Stop Avoiding What You Want.
Shy people are very smart. They can develop a whole system around their shyness and by finding ways to avoid situations that cause anxiety, and if that doesn’t work then finding ways to feel as safe as possible.
If reducing your social anxiety is something you really want to achieve then you need to stop avoiding social situations.
How?
First you need to understand how you avoid the situations.
> Do you get someone else to do it for you?
> Do you make an excuse?
> Do you put up with a great inconvenience?
Then you need to know what you do to keep safe in social situations.
> Saying very little.
> Looking away.
> Pretending to be busy.
> Actually being busy, but only for the purpose to avoid people.
> Standing or sitting to the side.
Next ask yourself what would like to do but avoid because of your shyness. Once you have established the end goal – work out some manageable steps to help you achieve it. When you are first faced with this as a solution to reducing shyness or social anxiety it can feel overwhelming. But don’t panic, this isn’t sink or swim. Rather it is remove the safety net and replace it with steps that teach you to swim on your own.
My greatest success in reducing shyness and anxiety has come from taking note of what I do in social situations that help me feel safe. I can then taking step to minimise or remove these actions.
When faced with a social situation I found safety in keeping busy. When attending parties I would always make myself busy in the kitchen, helping to prepare the food, get more supplies and help clean up. This meant conversations were typically short and centered on preparation. I rarely had to introduce myself to new people or join in long conversation. But I wasn’t having that much fun.
To overcome this I took the following steps:
1. When arriving at the party stay with my friends. (don’t disappear to the kitchen)
2. Stay with friend as they talk with others.
3. Focus on the conversation, not ways to help (and therefore escape)
4. Contribute to conversation with friends and others.
5. Final Goal: Join conversations by myself and contribute.
This process took several months. Once I stopped myself from being busy and focused on people and conversations – I got use to the situation and soon felt comfortable. Taking away my safety net meant I had to learn to adapt, I did and felt much happier.
Posted: August 31st, 2007 under Overcoming Shyness.
Comments
Comment from captain lifecruiser
Time September 2, 2007 at 4:39 am
I think that this is applicable on other behaviour /habits too actually. To confront it and deal with it even if it scares the sh*t (excuse me) out of you right there.
I also think that it’s the parents duty to watch out for these kind of things for the kid and help BEFORE it get a real habit. To support in the beginning and help overcoming it, because habits learned from the childhood stick much harder and is more difficult to get rid off.
Comment from fishwithoutbicycle
Time September 2, 2007 at 12:27 pm
What a great blog you have. I used to be very shy myself until I moved to New York and had to overcome it to make friends. I still have my moments though 
Comment from Anna
Time September 2, 2007 at 12:27 pm
I do this all the time – keep busy in order to avoid interacting with people. It’s not that I can’t talk to people, because I can. It just takes me a while to warm up. Then there are times when I’m talking and enjoying myself, and then I feel guilty because I think I should be helping instead.
Comment from Dee
Time September 3, 2007 at 4:43 am
@ RennyBA You’re welcome, thanks for visiting my blog
@captain Lifecruiser Your right this can be applied to a lot of different situations. And parents of shy children do need to be supportive.
@ fishwithoutbicycle That’s great that you overcame your shyness. Even if you do still have moments. Sometimes a change in situation can be a big motivator – like in your case.
@ Anna I also need time to warm up. That’s great that you talk with others with ease.
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Time September 10, 2007 at 7:20 pm
[...] Don’t Be Shy presents Stop Avoiding What You Want [...]
Comment from Anonymous
Time September 11, 2007 at 1:27 am
Whoa, I’ve been doing this “staying in the kicthen” stuff all the time! Good thing you’re pointing out what this is really about.
Comment from Alexandra
Time December 30, 2007 at 7:20 pm
God knows how long I’ve been avoiding people and fun… I always put a barrier to every person I know, I’ve become an ice queen who shows no care for others, but deep inside I do care and I do know what I have to do to overcome this fear, everything you wrote seems so easy yet so hard to do… but hey! you did it, so I can do it too, everyone can! I really hope for the day I can stop “hiding from the sun” and start enjoying my life… I just wanna say congratulations and thanks for your advices, shyness is a real joykiller.
Comment from RennyBA
Time September 2, 2007 at 3:47 am
First of all, thanks for the add on BlogCatalog!
This is really a great blog and your write about this delicate subject in an excellent way.
Me, myself, I’m consider a Schmoozy but that doesn’t mean I’m not shy from time to time. I have a lot to learn from you still!