Conversations don’t usually start with deep and meaningful questions, nor are they, in reality the exchange of witty banter we are amused by on some television shows.  But in fact, most conversations and so-called small talk are nothing special or interesting, it’s just people talking. 

Recently I read of a person who was planning to write a screenplay.  To have realistic dialogue they recorded their workmates during the lunch break for a few days.  However when listening back they soon realized that this banter which was so entertaining, enjoyable and funny, was in fact very repetitive and at times boring.  Complaints about management were the same and the funny jokes were ones when “you had to be there”.

After reading this I made special note of all conversations, and while it has only been 10 days, I have noticed that if I was recording my conversations, I would have a similar result.  Over the last few days many conversations have centered around the passing of Sir Edmund Hillary and his upcoming funeral.  Along with many complaints of the weather; currently it is far too hot.  

If you were to record your small talk conversations, would also notice the repetition of topics? 

The key here is to remember that you don’t need to search for that perfect ‘one’ thing to say.   People talk about day-to-day stuff, news of interest and even the weather.   This is good news if you currently get stuck because you don’t know what to say.  A friendly smile and a sincere “how are you” is a great starting point.   Make a comment on recent news or weather and/or ask them their views and the conversation is flowing.   As you get to know the person, more conversation topics will naturally develop and the conversations will become more comfortable.

Starting conversations and engaging in small talk with strangers can seem daunting when you experience shyness or social anxiety.  But the best thing to remember is that you don’t need to find that perfect thing to say.  Start with the basics to help grow your conversational confidence.

Posted in Conversation Starters, Tips and Tricks | 2 Comments »

Over the past few days I have been busy transferring this blog to a new host.  Since it was the first time I attempted such a feat I tried to take some time to prepare.  It actually wasn’t as hard as I first feared and so far everything seems to be operating OK.  There are just a few things left to tweak.

Reconnecting the RSS feed did mean subscribers had the last 10 posts re-delivered to their reader. 

The two tips I can pass on if you are moving your Wordpress blog to a new host, is to back-up fully first. And second, after installing the new Wordpress blog but before importing all your data, change the permalink to whatever structure you use.  This way when you import your data it will be imported with the same permalink structure otherwise it gets the default. 

Posted in Ramblings | No Comments »

Self esteem is the how you feel about yourself, are you satisfied with who you are?  Shyness and self esteem can often be linked and like overcoming shyness, building self esteem can take some time (obviously it’s well worth it)  but here are 5 ideas you can incoropate into your life starting right now.  Some are ideas you can practice now, some you will need to wait for the next opportunity to practice but all will help you build your self- esteem. 

1. Do something you love.

If you do something you love something it creates an upward positive spiral.  You love it so you learn more/practice more.  This leads to increased knowledge and skill, which leads to increased confidence and self esteem.    
Doing things that make us happy improve our thoughts and feelings about our life makes so much sense, but often in ‘the real world’ we find ourselves dropping those things we love as other more practical needs get in the way.
So don’t stop doing something you love because it won’t make you enough money.  You don’t need to be following your passion into a career, as this isn’t always practical, but continue to follow it.  For example, if you enjoy writing songs, then write a night or at the weekends.  What is it that you love to do?

2. Take a walk.

I am always amazed at how the simple act of talking a walk makes me feel better.  Feeling better about things in general has a nice flow on affect.  That is, when you feel in a generally good mood things seem easier and you are more likely to have a positive outcome.   Simple steps in looking after your health; including eating well, daily exercise and getting enough sleep also helps with this.  If you are in a position to do so, after you finish reading this try going for a short walk and see how the rest of your day goes.

3. Accept all compliments.

Don’t push them aside and just dismiss them and don’t give excuses like “oh no it was easy, it was nothing”.  Just say thank you.   If you are not use to it, it will be feel strange to start with.  Keep saying ‘Thank you’ anyway and soon it won’t feel so strange.

4. Acknowledge your strengths and achievements.

The very fact that you are reading this and actively seeking to improve yourself is a positive.  Don’t ignore this strength, you are willing and open to self improvement and development.   Acknowledge this strength and then acknowledge another.   Even the things that seem small to you, they are only small to you because you do them so well.  Other people may strive to acquire those skills or traits, so don’t dismiss anything.  Look at yourself and acknowledge all your strengths.

5. Experience a positive outcome.

Nothing boosts your self esteem and confidence like a successful and positive experience.   The trick here is to take small steps, each step hopefully will prove to be a positive experience.  For example; if you are after the successful experience of asking someone on a date, start by talking to them.  You will be amazed at how a few comfortable and successful conversations can help boost your self esteem to the point you feel confident asking them out for coffee.  Using positive out comes takes more time to than the other points in this article, but you can still find (and do) the first step today.  In the example, you could say hello to that person today, maybe some small talk.  It doesn’t have to be all or nothing, you can progress towards your goal as fast or slow as you need. 

So there you have it if you want to boost your self esteem and confidence here are 5 simple things you can do today to help. 
1. Do something you love.
2. Take a walk.
3. Accept compliments.
4. Acknowledge your strengths and achievements.
5. Experience positive outcomes.

Of course there are many other ways to help increase your self esteem and confidence, the topic of future articles, but the idea here is to give you a few simple things you can do start doing today to help boost your self esteem.

Posted in Tips and Tricks | 6 Comments »

I like New Year resolutions.  There is something about the first of the year, the ideal of a clean slate to start the year.  With a brand new year ahead what is it you will do to make sure it’s the best ever.    Setting New Year resolutions reminds me that I can take active steps to improve my life.     Of course you can set resolutions or goals that aim to improve your life at any time; your birthday, the start of spring, Monday, or right now.  But sometimes the start of a new year, gives us a new sense of hope and adventure.

Making goals that work.

If you like to set resolutions here are three easy tips to help ensure you stick to them and change your life for the better:

1. Set a specific goal.
General statements won’t produce nearly the same level of success that a specific goal will.  For example, one of my resolutions this year is to read at least 12 books.  Notice the goal isn’t to just ‘read more’.  I actually read a lot already, but it seems to have gone from novels, to papers, magazines and blogs etc.  I plan to set out to read 12 good novels this year.  I already have the first couple picked out. 
2. Make a plan.
That rush of motivation you feel on the first few days of the New Year doesn’t usually take long to fade.  If you haven’t made some sort of a plan your new year’s resolutions often leave with that motivation.   Making a plan also has the benefit of showing you how realistic the goals are. 
3. Don’t make too many resolutions.
I find sticking to one or two resolutions works best.  Trying to change 10 things in your life is too much.   I also try to have only one ‘big’ resolution and one smaller one increases your success rate.  And if you find one resolution or goal reached, acknowledge your achievements and move on to the next goal.
 
Remember the start of a New Year is a great time to set yourself some goals, though goal setting and planning does not need to be reserved for the New Year.    Making goals specific with a plan and keeping focus on one goal at a time can really help you achieve your resolutions.

Oh and Happy New Year!

Posted in Tips and Tricks | 2 Comments »

To feel comfortable and not shy in a variety of social situations, you need to challenge your current comfort zone.   This is the third comfort challenge you can use to help overcome shyness.  You can find the first one here and second comfort challenge here.

Before you read the next comfort challenge make sure you have tried the first two as they ease you into the idea of challenging your comfort zone.   

This comfort challenge is to get phone numbers.

 Head down to the mall and ask strangers for their phone number.  Now before you talk yourself out of it, understand that the goal is not to actually get phone numbers, but to ask for them.   Once you have successfully ask for a bunch of phone numbers and start to feel more comfortable with it, the confidence you gain will flow over to other social interaction. 

This challenge is from Tim Ferris’s book ‘The Four Hour Work Week’ and he gives you an example on how to ask, suggesting that you say you are off to meet friends and in a hurry but wanted to ask for their number.  And to finish with “you can give me a fake number if you like”.  I like this, because it gives the other person a safe out, but you still achieve your goal.

My experience.

I’m not if this counts as cheating or not, but I chose to challenge my comfort zone on Christmas eve.  I did this for two reasons, first people were in good moods (mostly) and people were in a hurry (mostly) so I thought they would be more likely to not ask too many questions.

Even though I feel my shyness is at a much more capable level, this challenge scared me.  I am female so I think that might have been part of it.  My theory is that if I was a male, I probably would have more practice in asking for numbers.  Also, because I didn’t actually want the numbers, I didn’t want to give people the wrong impression.   Ok, all that aside, how did I do? 

Even though Tim Ferris recommends asking at least 3 people in the first 5 minutes to get over the discomfort, I spent about 15 minutes looking at DVD’s and books first.   Then I decided to just do it or go home.  The first person I asked said his wife wouldn’t like it, and the second who I asked straight away after said he had no pen or paper, so I said I had a good memory.  Afterwards, I realized this might be good, just in case he wonders why I didn’t call, he would assume I forgot it.  After that I felt too funny asking for numbers giving the impression that I would call, knowing full well I wouldn’t.  So I switched to asking if they would be willing to be interviewed for my website.     Within the next 20 minutes I had asked 5 more people. 

It did get easier especially when the focus changed to something I was more passionate about – this website.    I wouldn’t say I do it with no problems, but now that I’ve done it once and it worked out well, I do feel more comfortable about it.  I also got email/phone number from two people interested in sharing their shyness stories.  So we’ll see how that goes.

Overcoming shyness is all about extending your comfort zone.  Each time you do this you will experience some discomfort, but the trick is to make the discomfort enough that your comfort zone extends but not too much that you give up.  If this challenge seems too much right now, try the first or second comfort challenge or vary this one.  For example, ask people for the time or directions.

Good luck and let me know how you get on.
 

Posted in Overcoming Shyness | No Comments »

Whatever you celebrate this holiday season, I wish you all the best. Have fun and stay safe :-)  

A song from one of my favourite Christmas Movies, ‘A Muppet Chirstmas Carol’.

Posted in Ramblings | 2 Comments »

 Chances are that as we get closer to Christmas, that your work functions are now behind you and you can focus on the parties/lunches/dinners with close family and friends.    In most of these cases I feel safe in assuming that these gatherings are not the type to bring on anxiety and shyness, or at least not the major culprits.   

So take a few moments to take notice and ask yourself the following:
1.  How comfortable and relaxed you feel.
2. Why do you feel this relaxed?
3. What is it that ‘works’ in this situation?

The idea is that if you are not shy or anxious in these situations, there is something about them that works.   It’s important for you to take a look at your own situation, as everyone is different.  But when I have asked these questions of myself my answers have been:
1. I feel comfortable.
2. I am not thinking about me, my focus is elsewhere.

Apply this knowledge to overcome shyness.

The question then becomes how can I take this and use it in other social situations.
Your reasons from step one might be different to mine, buy I will use mine as an example:

1. Feel comfortable.
The best way I have found to deal with this is to slowly extend the situations I feel comfortable in.  I do this by challenging my comfort zone and establishing an end goal and breaking it down into manageable steps. 

2. Focus elsewhere.
The best way I have found to deal with this is practice.  It helps when you are in a situation where you can talk with others about things you are passionate about.  Otherwise, find things to focus on and take a genuine interest in others and what they have to say. 

Taking a look at the social situations that you feel at easy and totally comfortable in, can give you great insight as to what is working for you.  Then take what works and apply it to other social situations. 

Posted in Overcoming Shyness | 2 Comments »

Recently I received an email asking “how much has my shyness reduced since my teenage years”.    I have talked about my shyness throughout this blog, in particular this post talks about how I reduced my shyness.

The following diagram is mostly self-explanitory.  It shows that since high school my social comfort zone has increased while my desired social comfort zone has decreased slightly.

My hope is that this will help one person to know that shyness can be overcome.   A little practice and a little time are great helps in reducing your shyness.

Posted in My Shyness | 1 Comment »

Recently I read “Don’t make me think” by Steve Krug and while this is a book on website usability testing it included good reminder that applies well when you are working to overcome shyness.   The idea is that everyone is muddling through – the only difference is that people muddle through on different levels.    A good example is using the internet.  You may be a beginner or intermediate or more advanced.  But on some level everyone muddles through.  No one knows all the best answers to all the possible problems.  But this not necessary to have fun and gain a benefit from using it – which ever your level.  And let’s not forget that as you gain more practice you get better and more comfortable using the internet.

So it is important that as you work to reduce your shyness you remember that other people aren’t perfect.  They too are stumbling their way through social situations.  In fact, usually when someone looks confident in a certain situation the reason is that they have experienced this type of situation many times before.  They have already had practice, and so may now muddle through, albeit on a different level.   Take action and try different social situations and you will soon be muddling through on a higher level too.

Gaining the most for social situations doesn’t have to mean that you have to be the life of the party.  You can have a good experience and fun time by talking with just a few people.  And then the next time you will feel a little more comfortable, so starting the conversations will be a little easier.  And each time after that, it will be a little easier and comfortable. 

Conclusion:
1. Remember that everyone is muddling through.  No-one knows the perfect answer to every situation.
2. You can still have a good time at whatever level you are on.   With each social experience you will feel a little more comfortable, so keep at it.

Posted in Overcoming Shyness | 1 Comment »

While not strictly on topic of shyness. I recommend you watch the following video. This is a lecture by Randy Pausch. (You may remember his talk on “how to achieve your childhood dreams“) Randy is dying from cancer so his talk on getting the most of your time is very poignant.

There are many very practical suggestions as to how you can manage your time more effectively. But more than that, the reminder that we do have limited time on earth, and the importance of human relationship and interaction.

Posted in Inspiration | 1 Comment »