Overcoming shyness is all about feeling comfortable in an increasing range of situations.  Slowly extending where you feel comfortable is the easiest way to do this.  And to help further there are small comfort challenges you can try.  Learning to say no is number 4.   Because these challenges  aim to extend your comfort zone slowly it is best to start at with number one and move up from there.

Number one – Look people in the eye.
Number two – Learn to propose solutions or ideas.
Number three – Get phone numbers.

The main goal of all these comfort challenges is to feel more at ease doing something that before you may have felt anxious about.  Comfort challenge number 4 is no different.  The object here is to feel more comfortable saying no. 

So what do you do?

The challenge is to say no to everything that will not get you fired.   This comfort challenge was taken from Tim Ferris’s book “the four hour work week”.  Although this book is about working less and different ways to approach a work-life there are a number of comfort challenges that are perfect to help you overcome shyness.

Tips to help you say no.

1. Delay the answer.   If you say ‘yes’ to something and then later regret that decisions try delaying the answer.  This will give you some time to think it through, do you really want to, do you feel obligated?  To give yourself some time, try saying:
    a. ”Let me check my diary and I’ll get back to you later today”
    b. ”Let me check I’m free that morning and let you know tomorrow morning”
    c. ”I’m a bit busy at the moment, let me think about it and I’ll get back to you”

2. Give a brief reply.  If there is something that you don’t want to do, but aren’t busy should you lie?  I have found most success in giving a brief reply and if pressed for more details, to just say that I am busy.  Some examples of brief replies are:
    a. ” I won’t be able to attend, sorry”
    b. ”I’m sorry, but I can’t make it”

3. Why are you saying yes?  Before you let the word ‘yes” come out of your mouth, ask why you are saying yes.   If you are saying ‘yes’ for the wrong reasons then you need to challenge yourself to say ‘no’ instead.  Some possible wrong reasons include:
    a. Saying yes out of fear.  For example, fear that people won’t like you.
    b. Saying yes out of guilt. 
    c. Saying yes because of social pressure.  

4. What is your gut feeling?  Take a step back and listen to your gut instinct.  What is that you really want to do?  Usually you know you want to say ‘no,’ but feel obligated to say yes.  This is where practice is important, so you can say ‘no’ and be true to yourself.

5. Practice saying no.  This is the whole purpose of this comfort challenge, to practice saying ‘no’.   It does get easier with practice.
 

Posted in Overcoming Shyness | No Comments »

Even though you know you shouldn’t make social comparisons you probably still do.  But how fair is this on you, and your efforts to feel more comfortable in social situations.   If you still find yourself making social comparisons here are a few things to consider:

1. It’s not necessarily the comparison that should stop - only the unrealistic ones.  Do you seek out the most popular and charismatic person in the room and then compare yourself to them.  Or do you see a person on TV, talking about their latest movie and wish that you could talk with such ease and confidence?  This is hardly a fair comparison.
If you are going to compare yourself to others, at least make it a fair comparison.

2. Confident people are made, not born.   People are not born confident with the ability to talk comfortably with everyone; they learn and develop these skills.   Also remember that some people get help with what to say, and rehearse over and over to get it sounding just right.

3. Learn from these people.  Don’t compare yourself to the most socially confident people, instead watch how they act, what do they do, how do they stand, and what do they do when they are listening?  Observations like this can show you what skills to develop for yourself.

4. You can learn these skills too.   Practice looking people in the eye when you talk with them, stand tall and keep an open body posture.  Start doing this and practice, practice, practice until it becomes natural.

So if you are going to make social comparisons make them realistic.  Don’t compare yourself with someone who has a team of people behind them helping them know, how and what to say.  Don’t compare yourself with the person that has been practicing conversation skills for 20 years.   And even better establish what skills you need to develop so you too can become socially confident.

Posted in Tips and Tricks | 3 Comments »

Being love shy is very common.  Even those who don’t experience shyness in other situations can find themselves feeling a little shy when it comes to matters of the heart.  Meeting people and getting to know them doesn’t have to be so hard.  If you are shy and looking for love, here are a few ideas to make it that little bit easier.

1. Meeting people.
First off you have to get out there and meet people.  Going up and saying ‘hi’ can be a very daunting thing to do.  So one way to make this easier is place yourself in situations where there is common ground.    For example; take a course, do some volunteer work, join a local club or  sports group.  Meeting people in situations like this is great  because you have conversation topics given to you.  If you take a night course, you can talk about the topic, homework, how you found the subject, when they got interested in this topic etc. 

2. Getting to know people.
Developing the relationship in a deep friendship comes about as you spend time together and get to know each other.   Make this easier by being satisfied to take it as slow as you need.  If it takes you a little longer to let your guard down, then that is fine.  Even if that one person isn’t the one, you will gain confience just by talking with them. 

One advantage about being shy is that you are probably a great listener, really listening to others is the perfect way to get to know them better.  Just remember to share a little of yourself too. 

3. Asking someone out.
Asking someone if they would like to have a coffee can be a natural development of a friendship.   So if you have had several conversations then this makes the asking out much easier. 

But if you want to ask out a person that you see often but don’t really get to talk to, such as someone at work, school, or that works in a shop/café etc that you visit regularly.  In these cases it can be harder to get to know them without asking them out.  There is only so much you can say while you buy another cup of coffee.   In these situations I would suggest asking yourself – will you regret it if you don’t ask this person out.   If you would regret it, then you know it is worth the risk of rejection.  However, take your time, say hello a few times, and engage in small talk when you get the chance.   Asking if they would like to get a cup of coffee is a gentle way to ask someone out.  It doesn’t feel as big a step as asking them out to dinner and so is a good starting place.  

4. Faith in love.
Not so much a tip to make it easier, but it is important to have faith in love.   Have faith that the love you desire will find you. 
 

But what about the possibility of being rejected?
If you were a director looking for an actor to play a role in your new movie, chances are when you go to cast the role you already have a clear idea on the type of person you want to play the role.   There are always those times that someone comes in, that is not what you were initially thinking, but gets the part.  But in most cases you, the director will find someone who matches the mental picture in your head and they get the part.

Although not the most perfect analogy, there are similarities when choosing a partner in life.  While you are ‘looking’ you probably have a few ideas on what you what you would like the person to be like.  And likewise, other people also have ideas.   Add this together with all the other little things that are important like, common values and ideals and you can see that there are reasons why people aren’t suited.  This is not any one’s fault; it just is what it is.  

However, if you have experienced rejection then you know how much it sucks, take the time you need to recover.  Don’t be discouraged,  now you are one more step closer to finding the right person.

If you’re shy and looking for love, don’t be hard on yourself.   You may need to take your time to get to know people.   Get out there and join groups of people with a common interest and/or goals.  This will give you a good foundation to get to know people.   And remember to keep faith in love.
 

Posted in Shyness and Relationships | 1 Comment »

Do any of these sound familiar:

• I’m worried that people won’t like me.
• I’m worried that I will say the wrong thing.
• I’m worried people won’t talk to me.
• I’m worried I will make a mistake.
• I’m worried I won’t do a good enough job.

If you are worried and experience shyness, sometimes one can increase the other.  For example; I’m worried that I won’t know what to say at the party, so I don’t talk to anyone and am now timid and shy all night.  And I’m shy about talking in front of groups and worry that I miss many opportunities.

Of course there are situations where worry and shyness are not connected.  But you will often find that when you are feeling particularly shy, worry is also present.  The good news is that preventing, or reducing one can have the follow on effect of reducing the other.  For example, finding a successful method to stop your worrying can mean you feel more confident and less shy at that party.

Time, shyness and worry.

In my experience the greatest impact worry has on shyness occurs when you have the time to worry.    For example, a job interview, first date, party, or presentation etc. scheduled for next week.  You may worry that you won’t know what to say, who to talk to etc.  These pestering worrying thoughts can eat away at your confidence and increase your shyness.  This is obviously not what we want. 

The best solution here is obviously to reduce or even better stop any waiting time.  Of course this isn’t always practical or possible.  In these cases some solutions that have worked for me include:

1. Delay feeling shy,
2. Watching my thoughts,
3. Using the 5 common ways to reduce worry. 

Posted in Stop Worrying | 2 Comments »

There are a number of things that can help to stop or reduce worry, the post how to stop worry examines 5 different methods.   But there is one thing I have found that has lead to the most worry conquering success.

It’s the thought that makes the worry.

It’s the thought that something unpleasant will happen that makes you worry.   If you leave this thought alone and don’t challenge it, it will slowly but surely increase in size. 
But now that you know the secret, how do you use it to your advantage?

1. Stop the worry before it grows.

Catch the thought, stop the worrying thought and think about something else.  It is far easier if you already have a “happy thought” in mind.  Learning to catch your thoughts takes time, when you first start you may find yourself worrying for a some time before you catch it. 

It can become such a habit that you worry without realizing and it can take a while to get to the point where you can stop those worries quickly.  But before this point you can still be successful at reducing your worries just by switching thoughts as soon as you realize that you are worrying.   This will also lead to you being able to catch worries quicker.

2. Is there anything you can do now, to stop or reduce the waiting time?

Sometimes there is the chance to take action NOW that can stop a worry from building and developing.   At high school when ever there were speeches or group presentations due, I always asked if I could go first.  Some people looked at me like I was mad, but I knew that once I had finished I could sit back and enjoy everyone’s speech.  If I was at the end of the speaking order I would sit and worry and not enjoy any of the other speeches.   Just by reducing the waiting time, reduced the worry time.

If you are a big worrier take a few moments to look at the real reason you worry.  Before you let the uncertainly worry you take a step back and look at the situation, ask; is there anything I can do now to stop or reduce the waiting?  If you still have to wait, watch your thoughts closely, catch any worry thoughts and replace them with happy, sitting on a warm beach reading and relaxing thoughts. 

Posted in Stop Worrying | 1 Comment »

Worry is that feeling of being concerned, uneasy or troubled about something, usually relating to a possible future event.   People can worry about just about anything.  But what it really comes down to is that we worry because we are scared of the uncertainly in our lives, or the not knowing what will or won’t happen.    In fact you have probably found that the actual event happening or not is easier to cope with.  

Endless worry can consume our lives and rob us of our happiness.  But staying “Don’t worry” does very little to help, so how can you stop or reduce your worries?   

Ways to reduce your worries.

The most successful method to reduce worries will vary between people.   So the best thing you can do to is try many different approaches and tricks until you find one (or several) that works.   The following is a list of ideas that can be used to reduce or stop worry.

1. Stay rested.
Coping with life’s little bumps is considerably easier when you are well rested.  Being tired can make everything seem that little harder.   I’m sure you have heard the saying, or some variation of “Things will look brighter in the morning”.  The key reason things look better is that you are rested and now better able to cope with things. 

2. Keep busy.
If you find that idle time means those small worries gnaw away at you, keeping busy may be the solution.  Keep your mind busy and your thoughts on the task at hand.  Taking action, even if it not related to your current worrying topic, does help.  That feeling of accomplishment helps boost confidence and self esteem.

3. Have something to look forward to.
It’s amazing how having some to look forward to can improve your overall mood and keep you mind off worrying.   It doesn’t have to be anything big, it can as simple as a weekly movie night with some friends, or your favorite TV show is commencing a new season, or you finished a project.  The key is to have something to look forward to, something that is not too far into the future and something that you can get excited about and look forward to.   

4. Postpone the worry.
If you are worried about something that might happen on Monday then put off worrying about it to Tuesday or Wednesday.  You can try writing down your worry with the intention to revisit it after a week.  This allows a whole week to pass, and there is a good chance that what you would have worried about never happened.

5. Replace worry.
Simply saying “stop worrying” doesn’t work.   Left alone with nothing much to think about those worrying thoughts can reappear quickly.  Keeping busy can help here, but even so there are times when you rest or pause.  The trick here is to monitor your thoughts and when a worry starts to creep in block it with a positive thought.   And rather than scrambling to find a stuible positive thought, have on ready.  Take a moment now to think of a positive thought.  Keep this thought tucked away and next time you notice you are worrying, replace the worry with your positive thought.

Reducing life consuming worries.

Those larger life consuming worries often need a little extra help:

6. Get an action plan.
If there is a worry that is eating away at you, taking action can help stop the worry from consuming your life.  Work out the worst possible outcome and then in your mind accept that outcome. Now you can start to make a plan, as calm as possible try to think of possible actions that will improve this worst case scenario.   Taking action like this not only improves the outcome but also helps to reduce the worry because your thoughts are now on taking action rather than just the worry.

7. Think: “What are the chances of it actually happening?”
Once you start worrying about something it can quickly grow.  It can often be challenging to keep small worries from becoming huge.  One way to achieve this is working out the real odds.  For example if you worry a great deal about flying, know that plans land and take off safely, every second somewhere in the world.  Flying is actually very safe.  I wouldn’t suggest looking up any statistics about a current worry, as that is only going to feed it.  But after that worry is put to rest, it can be helpful for next time if you know that the chance of that thing actually happening is quite low.

Worrying is not fun, but you can take steps to stop or reduce your worries.   Try several of the methods until you find one that works.  If you already use a method that works for you, I would love to hear it so please leave a comment or send me an email.   This post was written as participation of the blog writing project over at Dailyblog tips.

Posted in Stop Worrying | 18 Comments »

We must remember that people with seemly perfect lives have problems too.

It’s important to remember this, especially if you compare yourself with other people.  You can’t make a fair comparison between your life, which you know every single issue, to that of someone where you only know the image they portray.  

Heath ledger certainly seemed to have a great life, his movie career was going from strength to strength and a string of beautiful women were connected to him.   Sure it sounds obvious but it can be easy to assume that celebrities have no problems, we often only see the glamour, their 3.5 million dollar houses etc.  But behind all of that you just don’t know. 

I’m not here to debate whether heaths death was suicide or accidental.  But reports suggest he was taking prescription sleeping pills and anti-anxiety medication, which shows that were things in his life he was having trouble coping with.   My thoughts are with his close friends and family and also his fans.  RIP Heath.

Posted in Tips and Tricks | 2 Comments »

After posting 50 ways to start a conversation I have received several questions via email.  The questions are listed below with answers.  If you have any further ideas, comments or questions, please email me or leave a comment.

What if I can’t remember them?

The main goal of the conversation starters is to help you avoid a social situation where you are standing there thinking “I don’t know what to say”.  You can be successful in doing this without memorizing all the conversation starters.

Different situations will suite different conversation starters.  When you have a social event coming up, scan the news for a few conversation ideas, take a look at the conversation starter list, and/or think of a few yourself.  Then jot them on a post-it or likewise and say them out loud just before you leave.   Just having 3 or 4 conversation starters in your mind should help avoid the anxiety that comes from not knowing what to say.

What do I do after starting the conversation?

Feeling confident making conversation in different social settings is all about practice.  The more conversations you have, even given a few set-backs, it will get easier and your confidence and comfort will grow.  But until you reach that point, planning a few questions to ask is a great way to ease you into the situation.

 Keeping the conversation flowing is not nearly as easy to plan and is where practice certainly helps.  One way to keep the conversation flowing is by finding cues on what to ask next by listening to what they say. If they mention a job, ask what they like best.   If they mention children, ask how old they are, their names etc.  If they mention a holiday, ask what they enjoyed most, where did they stay, see, do etc.

And remember you are not the only person in this conversation, they will ask you questions too.   You can do a lot to help the conversation by avoiding quick answers.  Adding a little more to your answers shows that you are interested in having a conversation, while short answers can give the idea that you aren’t.  The other benefit of giving answers that hold a little bit more information is that the other person now has extra information and is able to ask you more questions and keep the conversation flowing.

What if I say the wrong thing and offend someone?

There is always a risk of that when dealing with anyone.   No one is expecting you to know every little detail about their lives.  If you know of a sensitive issue, the obviously don’t bring up that topic.  But in most cases when you are meeting someone for the first time, you don’t know their past, their current situation and that is why you are talking – to get to know each other, to find things in common.

 Everyone has insecurities and sensitive issues in their lives, no-one expects you to know those of complete strangers, so if you do ask something that makes the other person feel uncomfortable,  remember it was an accident and don’t beat yourself up about it.

These questions relate to the post 50 ways to start a conversation.

Thanks to those who took the time to email me, I very much appreciate it.
 

Posted in Conversation Starters | 2 Comments »

Conversations don’t usually start with deep and meaningful questions, nor are they, in reality the exchange of witty banter we are amused by on some television shows.  But in fact, most conversations and so-called small talk are nothing special or interesting, it’s just people talking. 

Recently I read of a person who was planning to write a screenplay.  To have realistic dialogue they recorded their workmates during the lunch break for a few days.  However when listening back they soon realized that this banter which was so entertaining, enjoyable and funny, was in fact very repetitive and at times boring.  Complaints about management were the same and the funny jokes were ones when “you had to be there”.

After reading this I made special note of all conversations, and while it has only been 10 days, I have noticed that if I was recording my conversations, I would have a similar result.  Over the last few days many conversations have centered around the passing of Sir Edmund Hillary and his upcoming funeral.  Along with many complaints of the weather; currently it is far too hot.  

If you were to record your small talk conversations, would also notice the repetition of topics? 

The key here is to remember that you don’t need to search for that perfect ‘one’ thing to say.   People talk about day-to-day stuff, news of interest and even the weather.   This is good news if you currently get stuck because you don’t know what to say.  A friendly smile and a sincere “how are you” is a great starting point.   Make a comment on recent news or weather and/or ask them their views and the conversation is flowing.   As you get to know the person, more conversation topics will naturally develop and the conversations will become more comfortable.

Starting conversations and engaging in small talk with strangers can seem daunting when you experience shyness or social anxiety.  But the best thing to remember is that you don’t need to find that perfect thing to say.  Start with the basics to help grow your conversational confidence.

Posted in Conversation Starters, Tips and Tricks | 2 Comments »

Over the past few days I have been busy transferring this blog to a new host.  Since it was the first time I attempted such a feat I tried to take some time to prepare.  It actually wasn’t as hard as I first feared and so far everything seems to be operating OK.  There are just a few things left to tweak.

Reconnecting the RSS feed did mean subscribers had the last 10 posts re-delivered to their reader. 

The two tips I can pass on if you are moving your Wordpress blog to a new host, is to back-up fully first. And second, after installing the new Wordpress blog but before importing all your data, change the permalink to whatever structure you use.  This way when you import your data it will be imported with the same permalink structure otherwise it gets the default. 

Posted in Ramblings | No Comments »