Don’t Be Shy

You don’t have to attend every social event you are invited to – but how do you choose which to attend and which to pass?    During the year I often find there are times when I have no social events to attend, and then there are times when there seem to be too many.   During these busy times there are often social events I pass.  The following is how I decide which social events to attend and which pass.

Do I want to go?

If yes this make the process very easy. 

If no, the best place to start is ask - do I have to go?

1. Do I need to attend for my career?    These events are must-attends for me, I try not to indulge myself thinking of why I shouldn’t go.  At one of my earlier work places the social club organized weekly quiz night which was optional, so I only went once.  Unlike the yearly client party, where the clients were all invited for a cocktail party.  I hated attending these, but it was not optional.  Thankfully they were only held once a year, so I only had to attend 2 before moving on to my next job. 

2. Am I expected/wanted at the event by someone close to me?  Another must-attend is if a close friends or family are holding an event/going to an event that is important to them and want your company or support.
 

If you don’t have to attend, there are a few other things to consider:

3. What other social events do you have coming up?  If you have a must-attend work-function Saturday, then skipping a cocktail party Friday night is ok.

4. What other social events have you attended recently?  The idea is to make sure you do not avoiding everything.  If your neighbor is holding a baby shower and you haven’t been out in a few weeks, then this is a good opportunity to socialize (and help overcome shyness.)  On the other hand if you have been to other social events recently a weekend at home and skipping one event is fine and gives you some time recharge.

5. How many people will you know?  Social events where there are a number of people you know are always far easier than social events where you only know one person.  I always prefer events where I know more people and I use these events as perfect opportunities to increase my conversation skills.

6. How many people will be there?  My introverted self always prefers small gatherings to large.   If you are starting to take small steps to overcome shyness, gatherings where there only a few people maybe an easier place to start. 

7. Can’t I escape?  If the social gathering was on a boat that would sail (that is, I would be stuck) I would be unlikely to go unless I had to.  I find it a great comfort to know I can pop in, make an appearance and then leave if I need to.  Even if I do end up staying a while, I feel considerably more comfortable knowing I can leave if I want.

8. General mood.   Sometimes I feel more prepared and willing to socialize and likewise sometimes I much prefer to stay home.  

9. Will you regret not going?   A school reunion is coming up, would you regret not going?  It would be far worse to have the regret because you didn’t go than going and having a few minutes of discomfort.

So when you find yourself wondering whether to go to a certain social event consider the factors above.  They should help you attend the most suited social events.

 There are several simple things you can do each day to help deal with and overcome shyness.  These things alone won’t help overcome shyness rather they make it easier to deal with shyness and that ultimately will help you work towards overcoming it.  One of these simple things you can do is get enough sleep.  

Why sleep helps.

Getting enough sleep means you will have enough energy to deal with your day, and little (and bigger) problems are just easier to cope with.  Enough sleep really can make a big difference because it is harder to cope with things when we are tried.  Most people are already aware of this from their own experiences – When I’m tired things just seem harder.  If you have are dealing with people and shyness it can feel too much when you are tired.  Fully rested and you are more able to cope.

Recently I have been what I would describe as crazy-busy.  It is slowing now but I still find it hard to get enough sleep since I am often tempted to try and just do one more thing before bed.  The problem is once I’m tired I find everything much harder to do and cope with.  Simply stopping and going to bed a little earlier means I can function much more effectively the next day – which of course means I actually get more down.  But for some reason I still like to try and convince myself to do that extra thing before bed, or watch a DVD!  Sometimes a little reminder about how enough sleep can help you deal with things a little easier is the motivation I need to get to bed.

How much sleep?

Time magazine recently published an article claiming that anywhere between 6.5 – 7.5 hours of sleep each night is optimal.   This, of course, is a rough guide as each person and each day is slightly different and accordingly our sleep needs vary.

Overcoming shyness is a process and does take time.  But as I stand and look back over the years there are a few things I wish I knew when I was 15 that would have made the process a little easier.  This is part two of the advice I would give myself.  You can read part one here.

2. Understand the importance of small step.

One of the first things I did to overcome shyness was to ring stores and ask what time they closed.  I’m pretty sure there are people that read that and can’t believe that someone would have trouble doing something so simple.  But this is where I started, with this simple and small step.  

I have found that sometimes we try to ignore things we hard, especially if we feel it is something we should be able to do. Don’t let this delay you taking action.  Remember  that other people have insecurities but don’t go around telling people and it is that first small step that will lead to the next and the next and the next.   It is these small steps that will lead to success.  So it doesn’t matter how small that first step is; it is only important that you are taking these steps. 

Overcoming shyness is a process and does take time.  But as I stand and look back over the years there are a few things I wish I knew when I was 15 that would have made the process a little easier.

1. Understand your social needs.

Different people have different social needs.  For some people staying home reading is a perfect night whereas others would find such solitude boring.  I use to look at a movies and television shows and the popular kids at school and assumed that I should enjoy going to parties each weekend, that I should enjoy socializing as much as possible.   But I didn’t like to go out all the time and felt like there was something wrong with me for not wanting to.   I wish someone had told me that it was okay to not want to go out each weekend.    In fact staying home and reading is a fine way to spend a Saturday night. 

I can still remember the exact weekend I found my balance.  I had made plans to go out with some friends and found myself dreading it.  We had been out the night before and I couldn’t understand why I just wanted to stay home.   After much deliberation I cancelled.  The second I cancelled I felt so much better, so much lighter.  I went to bed early that night and read for hours – it was paradise.   It was that evening that I realized that my social needs weren’t as large as most of my friends and later I realized that this is because I am an introvert.  This is neither better nor worse than my extroverted friends – it’s just different.   Where a night at home with a book would bore them, I loved it.  The key of course is to find your own balance.  Some people prefer to go out every opportunity whereas other people prefer to stay at home and read some nights and go out occasionally.  

Finding your balance.

The best place to start is to look at your current social activities and decide if you would prefer to interact more, less or about the same.   And don’t assume you should enjoy more social activity because that’s what everyone else does.  Ask yourself honestly. 

Keeping your balance.

Changing situations such as moving towns, going away to school, or friends moving etc. can mean your social needs are no longer being met.  I have moved a few times and both times I joined a local gym.  This helped me meet new people in an environment I felt comfortable in and resulted in my social balance being restored.  Everyone needs some time socializing and some time alone; the trick is to find what balance suites you best.  

Have you ever heard advice like “oh just don’t worry and get out there” or “don’t be shy, just chat with people”?   This advice use to bother me and leave me wondering what was wrong with me.  Why couldn’t I just ‘get out there’?  Advice like this can be common, so what do you do when people advise you to stop being shy?

The key to dealing with advice like this is to simply acknowledge that this person, however good their intentions, does not fully understand your situation.    Given this, they can only offer advice from their own perspective.   For them it is that easy, you just get up and go talk to someone.   But from my point of view that was not an easy thing to do.   If it was that easy I would already be doing it.  
Another way to think about it is ask ‘what if a person came to you and asked how to be more quiet and listen more than you talk?’  Well I don’t have that problem, it comes naturally.  There are no steps I have to take, I just do it.  So how would you answer?  Just listen more?  Stop talking as much?   It doesn’t mean anything is wrong with them, only that it’s different.

*Keep in mind that some people have overcome shyness and they may be able to help.  Likewise a trained professional maybe able to help as their training developed the skills and knowledge to understand different people.  But of course, these people are unlikely to just say “just stop being shy” without helping you/giving you ideas on how to actually do this.

As you strive to reduce shyness it is important to extend your comfort zone.  This means you will need to venture out and socialize with others.  But what if you have no social event to attend?

Usually when people talk of social events they mean parties, networking events, dinner parties, going out to dinner, work parties, concerts, charity events…  But when I first started making an effort to overcome my shyness I looked at just going to work as a social event.  I used morning tea as a chance to observe how my co-workers interacted.  Once this was comfortable I started to join in the conversation.  To start with my contribution was nothing more than a few words, but soon I would ask questions and express my opinion.  For several months this was all I could cope with. 

 When chatting during morning tea felt much easier I decided to try the same at the gym.  I first said hello to some of the other regulars, then I would make small talk.   Again, going to the gym and work during the week was plenty of socializing for me.  So I spent the weekends on my own or with very close family or friends.   Then one day I was invited to a party by one of the girls at the gym.  After a fair bit of anxiety I decided to attend and surprised myself by having a great time.   After that a couple of us would go out every other Friday night.   Being an introvert, this was plenty for me. 

So if you are reading this and thinking you don’t have any social events, look at where you currently interact with others.  School, work, going to the gym are all socializing opportunities.  These are the perfect place to start because you are already going there.  It doesn’t take much to become a more social person.  Smile, make eye contact and say hello and as this gets easier look for the next step. 

I recently received an email asking for advice:

“I need some advice on what to do about my child, aged 4 ….  she hides behind me when we visit our new neighbors and doesn’t even say hello!   What should I do to help her talk and play with the new children in the neighborhood?”

My suggestion is to talk to your child before you go to visit your new friends.  Let her know that you are going to visit friends and that she will be expected to say hello and then goodbye because it would be rude not too.  Also let her know she is welcome to join the other children or sit beside you. This way she will know what to expect, and what is expected of her.  If she needs to sit with you during the visits then I believe this is ok, though I would suggest asking her if she would like to play with the other children, when you arrive.   Give her time and I believe that once she feels safe in the new environment she will leave your side and go play. 

Being shy is ok, being rude is not.  So expect your child to say hello.  She should be able to manage a quiet hello with your support.  Some children take longer to feel safe and comfortable in a new place.  I don’t consider this to be a problem; your support and some time will help this.

Please note:  My suggestions are based on my experience and readings only, you know your child best so if you have any concerns please speak with a professional.

It is much easier to worry when you are feeling run-down, stressed or overwhelmed. It makes sense then to, whenever possible, do what you can to prevent these feelings and help reduce worry. There are several ways you achieve this:

Keep energized.

1. Know how to relax.
When you feel worrying starting to creep up, taking some time to relax can help. Make a list of thing that relax you before the worry starts. Otherwise you might worry that you can’t relax! It doesn’t have to be complicated, simple things like closing your eyes and listening to some music, watch some TV, do some yoga, or have a bubble bath.

2. Rest.
Always allow enough time to get a full night sleep. Feeling fatigued makes all those little things seem a lot bigger and then the worry can creep in.

3. Eat well.
Eating a healthy diet, benefits not only your general health but helps keep you energized. Both of which helps your overall mood and helps keep that worry at bay.

4. Time for yourself.
This is especially important if you are an introvert. If you get busy and don’t give yourself time to rest and relax you will feel fatigued and that stress and worry can start to build. Often you will find that it doesn’t have to be a large amount of time, 30 minutes to read or a 20 minute walk maybe enough to help you re-balance your equilibrium.

Stay on top of things.

1. Keep an organized home.
As much as possible keep you home organized. Mark important dates on a calendar so you know what appointments are coming up. Make school/work lunches the night before are example of small tips that can help keep from that panic rush each morning. This is one thing that really helped me.

2. Get help when needed.
If there is too much to do, get help. Ask family, friends or hire someone to deal with those extra tasks that have crept in. Even something simple like hiring someone to deal with the garden and mow the lawn means one less thing for you to deal to, and can make a world of difference. Sometimes things build up, stress levels increase and so does that nagging worry. Ask for help, get back on top of things and reduce the worry.

3. Focus on one thing at a time.
Try to deal with one task at once. If possible complete tasks or make decisions as they arise. Once a task is dealt with, it should no longer worry you, unlike having 8 partly- completed tasks.

Separately these are all small things, but they can add together and really make a difference at keeping your life worry- free.

If you are shy, you are not alone.  In fact, I would go so far as to say, you are in very good company.    I was tempted to seek out a list of famous people who describe themselves as shy, but famous people aren’t the only ones who make good company.   Sometime you will be surprised to find out that people you wouldn’t suspect also experience shyness.

When I was about 8, a teacher talked to me about how she was very shy as a child and especially so through her teenage years.  She left home to attend university and after completing one year towards a business degree, realized she had chosen that career path because it would be easiest.   The problem was what she really wanted to do, was teach.   But being a teacher would mean talking in front of others, not just the students, but other teachers and parents also.   Obviously since she was my teacher at the time, you can guess that she followed her passion and became a teacher.   She told me how she would slowly push herself to talk to others, and then speak out in class.

I remember that talk because it meant a lot to me because:
   1. It showed me that shyness could be overcome.
   2. It showed me that other people were shy.
   3. It showed me that other people understood what it was like to be shy.

 Before this, I would look around and it seemed to me that nobody else felt like I did, that I was all alone.  So finding out that this wasn’t the case was simultaneously a huge relief and it gave me hope.

It is important to know that there are others who have been through the same things you have.   Who have experienced the same thoughts and feelings, and who have lived to tell.    The internet can be especially useful for this, for example; you can find blogs like this one, join message boards or read articles about shyness.  

Even though it has been  many years since I was 8, I am still surprised, at times, when I read or hear something that makes me think – that’s just like my shyness and once again I am reminded that there are a great number of people that experience shyness and that I am not alone.

Years ago I was with a small group attending the filming of a TV show.  During a break, the floor manager came over and said if we wanted we could go and say hi to whoever we wanted.   This was such a surprise and good fortune, yet I didn’t take it.  I felt like an idiot and sat there even though I wanted nothing more than to go say hello.  The break ended and shooting started again.  It didn’t take long before I was thinking ‘why didn’t I go over and say’Hi’.  I knew the answer of course: fear.  Fear of being rejected or of looking stupid in front of someone I admired.

But don’t worry, this story has a happy ending (sort of) It is because of that one regret and missed chance that I have taken action since.  If hadn’t been for that one lost opportunity I wouldn’t have been so determined not to miss the next one.    If it hadn’t been for that one lost opportunity I would not have fully understood just how much regrets suck.    It was from that one event that I decided that I didn’t want any more regrets.   

The chance to meet that particular person has not happened again (yet), but I have said hello to a couple other celebrities I like.  Even though I was very nervous, as I approached them I was not focusing on the shyness.  The driving force had changed to knowing I had to do this or I would regret it. But it is not only these opportunites that I have taken, other situations where I know I will regret not doing something, I know take action.  It doesn’t always work out perfectly, but I know it is better than having that nagging regret.

If you don’t ask out that guy/girl you like and then they graduate/change job/move and you don’t see them again, don’t dwell too long, instead use it to motivate you to take action next time.    Next time ask them out.  I promise you that you will regret not asking considerably more than if you ask and get a ‘no’.