One of the first steps in my quest to overcome shyness was to ring up a store and ask what time they closed.  When this was easy I rang and asked if they stocked a certain product followed by a query.   It didn’t take me long to then move on to face-to-face social challenges.  The thing that puzzled me is why I still had a strong dislike for phones.  When mobile phones became common I resisted as long as possible before finally giving in and buying one.  Even then I didn’t really use it, other than texting. 

I hate the phone ringing for three reasons.

1. It interrupts me.   If I am in the middle of doing something important, I dislike the interruption even more.  Once I am in the right flow of work I can get a lot done, interrupt that and it can take me long time to get that flow back.

2. It means I have to be quick thinking.  Often people ring to ask something.   This can be stressful, especially at work.  I hate answering questions without having time to get all the information and think about it.

3. After each call I need some time to regroup.  The social aspect of the phone drains my energy and I need time to get this energy back. (except calls from close family and friends.)

I honestly thought it was only me that had this aversion to phone calls, but research shows that many introverts feel the same way.  Introverts by nature don’t like interruptions.  This is a giant relief to know that at least I’m not alone.

How I deal with this.

1. Understanding that I felt this way was the first step.  Being able to say, hey I don’t like getting phone calls and feel okay with it, was very refreshing.

2. I had to find a way that people could contact me, and have it a method I would feel comfortable with.  So I now ask people to contact me via email.  If they ask for my phone number I give both my number and my email address and tell them that I check email more often than my phone.

3. Yes, I still have a mobile phone, but I no longer let it interrupt me.  I always felt funny turning the phone off, so instead I turn the ringer to silent and put it on the side table.  This way it only takes a glance at the phone to check to see if there are any messages.

4. When I do find myself returning calls, I do so at a time that suites me.  

5. When I am caught (usually at work) and get a phone call I often ask the person if it is ok to ring them back in 10 minutes with the answer.  I find this much easier (and less pressure) that trying to find the answer for them while they are on the one end of the phone.

I wanted to share this because for so long I thought it was me, some character fault.    But I was wrong, it was my introvert nature.  It was nothing wrong with me, just the way I am.  Understanding this really allowed me to accept it and find ways to deal with it.    So if you have a dislike for phone calls it may just be your introvert nature.  If this is the case some of the tips above might help.

Posted in Introvert vs Shyness, My Shyness, Tips and Tricks | 3 Comments »

As you strive to reduce shyness it is important to extend your comfort zone.  This means you will need to venture out and socialize with others.  But what if you have no social event to attend?

Usually when people talk of social events they mean parties, networking events, dinner parties, going out to dinner, work parties, concerts, charity events…  But when I first started making an effort to overcome my shyness I looked at just going to work as a social event.  I used morning tea as a chance to observe how my co-workers interacted.  Once this was comfortable I started to join in the conversation.  To start with my contribution was nothing more than a few words, but soon I would ask questions and express my opinion.  For several months this was all I could cope with. 

 When chatting during morning tea felt much easier I decided to try the same at the gym.  I first said hello to some of the other regulars, then I would make small talk.   Again, going to the gym and work during the week was plenty of socializing for me.  So I spent the weekends on my own or with very close family or friends.   Then one day I was invited to a party by one of the girls at the gym.  After a fair bit of anxiety I decided to attend and surprised myself by having a great time.   After that a couple of us would go out every other Friday night.   Being an introvert, this was plenty for me. 

So if you are reading this and thinking you don’t have any social events, look at where you currently interact with others.  School, work, going to the gym are all socializing opportunities.  These are the perfect place to start because you are already going there.  It doesn’t take much to become a more social person.  Smile, make eye contact and say hello and as this gets easier look for the next step. 

Posted in Tips and Tricks | 2 Comments »

I recently received an email asking for advice:

“I need some advice on what to do about my child, aged 4 ….  she hides behind me when we visit our new neighbors and doesn’t even say hello!   What should I do to help her talk and play with the new children in the neighborhood?”

My suggestion is to talk to your child before you go to visit your new friends.  Let her know that you are going to visit friends and that she will be expected to say hello and then goodbye because it would be rude not too.  Also let her know she is welcome to join the other children or sit beside you. This way she will know what to expect, and what is expected of her.  If she needs to sit with you during the visits then I believe this is ok, though I would suggest asking her if she would like to play with the other children, when you arrive.   Give her time and I believe that once she feels safe in the new environment she will leave your side and go play. 

Being shy is ok, being rude is not.  So expect your child to say hello.  She should be able to manage a quiet hello with your support.  Some children take longer to feel safe and comfortable in a new place.  I don’t consider this to be a problem; your support and some time will help this.

Please note:  My suggestions are based on my experience and readings only, you know your child best so if you have any concerns please speak with a professional.

Posted in Shy Children | 2 Comments »

It is much easier to worry when you are feeling run-down, stressed or overwhelmed. It makes sense then to, whenever possible, do what you can to prevent these feelings and help reduce worry. There are several ways you achieve this:

Keep energized.

1. Know how to relax.
When you feel worrying starting to creep up, taking some time to relax can help. Make a list of thing that relax you before the worry starts. Otherwise you might worry that you can’t relax! It doesn’t have to be complicated, simple things like closing your eyes and listening to some music, watch some TV, do some yoga, or have a bubble bath.

2. Rest.
Always allow enough time to get a full night sleep. Feeling fatigued makes all those little things seem a lot bigger and then the worry can creep in.

3. Eat well.
Eating a healthy diet, benefits not only your general health but helps keep you energized. Both of which helps your overall mood and helps keep that worry at bay.

4. Time for yourself.
This is especially important if you are an introvert. If you get busy and don’t give yourself time to rest and relax you will feel fatigued and that stress and worry can start to build. Often you will find that it doesn’t have to be a large amount of time, 30 minutes to read or a 20 minute walk maybe enough to help you re-balance your equilibrium.

Stay on top of things.

1. Keep an organized home.
As much as possible keep you home organized. Mark important dates on a calendar so you know what appointments are coming up. Make school/work lunches the night before are example of small tips that can help keep from that panic rush each morning. This is one thing that really helped me.

2. Get help when needed.
If there is too much to do, get help. Ask family, friends or hire someone to deal with those extra tasks that have crept in. Even something simple like hiring someone to deal with the garden and mow the lawn means one less thing for you to deal to, and can make a world of difference. Sometimes things build up, stress levels increase and so does that nagging worry. Ask for help, get back on top of things and reduce the worry.

3. Focus on one thing at a time.
Try to deal with one task at once. If possible complete tasks or make decisions as they arise. Once a task is dealt with, it should no longer worry you, unlike having 8 partly- completed tasks.

Separately these are all small things, but they can add together and really make a difference at keeping your life worry- free.

Posted in Stop Worrying | 1 Comment »

If you are shy, you are not alone.  In fact, I would go so far as to say, you are in very good company.    I was tempted to seek out a list of famous people who describe themselves as shy, but famous people aren’t the only ones who make good company.   Sometime you will be surprised to find out that people you wouldn’t suspect also experience shyness.

When I was about 8, a teacher talked to me about how she was very shy as a child and especially so through her teenage years.  She left home to attend university and after completing one year towards a business degree, realized she had chosen that career path because it would be easiest.   The problem was what she really wanted to do, was teach.   But being a teacher would mean talking in front of others, not just the students, but other teachers and parents also.   Obviously since she was my teacher at the time, you can guess that she followed her passion and became a teacher.   She told me how she would slowly push herself to talk to others, and then speak out in class.

I remember that talk because it meant a lot to me because:
   1. It showed me that shyness could be overcome.
   2. It showed me that other people were shy.
   3. It showed me that other people understood what it was like to be shy.

 Before this, I would look around and it seemed to me that nobody else felt like I did, that I was all alone.  So finding out that this wasn’t the case was simultaneously a huge relief and it gave me hope.

It is important to know that there are others who have been through the same things you have.   Who have experienced the same thoughts and feelings, and who have lived to tell.    The internet can be especially useful for this, for example; you can find blogs like this one, join message boards or read articles about shyness.  

Even though it has been  many years since I was 8, I am still surprised, at times, when I read or hear something that makes me think – that’s just like my shyness and once again I am reminded that there are a great number of people that experience shyness and that I am not alone.

Posted in My Shyness, Understanding Shyness | 1 Comment »

Years ago I was with a small group attending the filming of a TV show.  During a break, the floor manager came over and said if we wanted we could go and say hi to whoever we wanted.   This was such a surprise and good fortune, yet I didn’t take it.  I felt like an idiot and sat there even though I wanted nothing more than to go say hello.  The break ended and shooting started again.  It didn’t take long before I was thinking ‘why didn’t I go over and say’Hi’.  I knew the answer of course: fear.  Fear of being rejected or of looking stupid in front of someone I admired.

But don’t worry, this story has a happy ending (sort of) It is because of that one regret and missed chance that I have taken action since.  If hadn’t been for that one lost opportunity I wouldn’t have been so determined not to miss the next one.    If it hadn’t been for that one lost opportunity I would not have fully understood just how much regrets suck.    It was from that one event that I decided that I didn’t want any more regrets.   

The chance to meet that particular person has not happened again (yet), but I have said hello to a couple other celebrities I like.  Even though I was very nervous, as I approached them I was not focusing on the shyness.  The driving force had changed to knowing I had to do this or I would regret it. But it is not only these opportunites that I have taken, other situations where I know I will regret not doing something, I know take action.  It doesn’t always work out perfectly, but I know it is better than having that nagging regret.

If you don’t ask out that guy/girl you like and then they graduate/change job/move and you don’t see them again, don’t dwell too long, instead use it to motivate you to take action next time.    Next time ask them out.  I promise you that you will regret not asking considerably more than if you ask and get a ‘no’.

Posted in My Shyness, Tips and Tricks | 4 Comments »

I love this tip for overcoming shyness for two reasons:

   1. It gives you conversation topics. 
   2. It is much easier to talk about things you love.

In most work places and schools/collages people gather the morning after to talk about their favorite TV shows.    It is therefore a matter of finding people that like the same shows as you and/or watching shows others discuss.  Now, I’m not suggesting watching a show you hate just to have something to talk about.  But if you notice people at work or school talking about a particular show, check it out. 

In my third job, I became good friends with two of the women because we all loved the show ‘Survivor’, each morning after the show we would share our thoughts and feelings on who left, who we liked, who we hated etc.   It may seem trivial to talk about a TV show, but this was a show I watched religiously, I loved it and felt confident and comfortable talking about it.  This, of course, lead to a greater comfort when talking to the other women about other subjects and soon our bond over survivor developed into a wonderful friendship.

Finding little conversation topics like this can be extremely helpful in overcoming your shyness.   And remember it is these little conversation topics that lead to the bigger ones. 

Posted in Overcoming Shyness, Tips and Tricks | 3 Comments »

Recently I wrote a guest post for a wonderful blog, Introvert blogs.  The aims to offer a starting point for introverts to overcome their shyness.  If you are an introvert, I encourage you to take a look at Lea Anns blog, it’s a wonderful first-hand look at being an introvert.  I truly appreciate blogs like this, it’s offers comfort that we are not alone. 

Overcoming shyness: tips for introverts.

Being shy isn’t a bad thing.  You can be shy and live a very happy and successful life.  But when shyness prevents you from doing things you would enjoy or you miss opportunities, then you need to decide whether to let shyness control your life, or will you take control of your shyness? 

As an introvert working to overcome shyness there are two main needs to consider:

1. As an introvert – time to reflect, regroup and be by yourself.
2. To overcome shyness – join social groups, attend social gatherings etc.

The easiest way I have found to meet both needs is to plan social events so they are evenly spread throughout the week.  For example, if I had a work function on Friday afternoon, I would not plan to go out on Friday Night.     Likewise, if I went out with friends on Saturday night, I would have stay home Saturday afternoon and probably Sunday morning too.  

Just how much time you need to regroup depends on you, what the event is, and who will be there etc.   When I first began to challenge my shyness I liked to have several days after some events to reflect and regroup.  Now I need much less.   You probably already have a good feel for how much alone time you need.  So plan social events to ensure you have enough time for yourself.

Once you have your time planned out you can get to work overcoming that shyness.   Just attending social gatherings is not enough.  You need to step out of your comfort zone, approach someone say hello, introduce yourself and have a conversation.  If this all sounds too much, don’t panic.  You can break this down and practice until you feel more comfortable and confident.

Planning what you are going to say can be very helpful.  I use to get stuck not knowing what to say because I was searching for the perfect response.    I didn’t realize that my comments didn’t have to be witty, clever and smart all the time.  Talking about the weather or some local news is fine.  Small talk helps to create a bond and acts as a vehicle to lead to deeper conversations and relationships.  

Once you have worked out a few things to say, the next step is where to practice.  The best place to start is in situations that are safe such as:

1. Close friends.  Rehearse what you are going to say with a good friend.  This is particularly good for job interviews and work related networking. 
2. The shopping center.  When you purchase something, look the sales clerk in the eyes as you greet and thank them.  Once this is comfortable add some small talk.   Ask questions about products, or ask another shopper their opinion on an item.  
3. The gym.  I use to do a lot of group classes, and there was good opportunities to have a small chat with someone before class and then during tracks. 

Once you feel more comfortable saying hi and making some small talk with strangers it’s time to develop those conversation skills a little more.  To do this try joining a group or club that interests you, volunteer work is also a good option.  Being with a group of people who share a similar interest or passion means conversation are much easier to start or join, allowing you to go beyond small talk and create a deeper relationship with people.   And don’t forget to always acknowledge your progress.  Don’t dismiss what you doing, this is a big deal, and it isn’t easy.   

Overcoming shyness as an introvert is similar to anyone overcoming shyness, but it does have the extra challenge of being social while meeting your introvert needs.    So plan your week so you know when you will have time to yourself and when you will be social.  In your social times stepping outside your comfort zone and talking with others all help to overcome shyness.  

Posted in Introvert vs Shyness, Overcoming Shyness | 1 Comment »

Overcoming shyness is all about feeling comfortable in an increasing range of situations.  Slowly extending where you feel comfortable is the easiest way to do this.  And to help further there are small comfort challenges you can try.  Learning to say no is number 4.   Because these challenges  aim to extend your comfort zone slowly it is best to start at with number one and move up from there.

Number one – Look people in the eye.
Number two – Learn to propose solutions or ideas.
Number three – Get phone numbers.

The main goal of all these comfort challenges is to feel more at ease doing something that before you may have felt anxious about.  Comfort challenge number 4 is no different.  The object here is to feel more comfortable saying no. 

So what do you do?

The challenge is to say no to everything that will not get you fired.   This comfort challenge was taken from Tim Ferris’s book “the four hour work week”.  Although this book is about working less and different ways to approach a work-life there are a number of comfort challenges that are perfect to help you overcome shyness.

Tips to help you say no.

1. Delay the answer.   If you say ‘yes’ to something and then later regret that decisions try delaying the answer.  This will give you some time to think it through, do you really want to, do you feel obligated?  To give yourself some time, try saying:
    a. ”Let me check my diary and I’ll get back to you later today”
    b. ”Let me check I’m free that morning and let you know tomorrow morning”
    c. ”I’m a bit busy at the moment, let me think about it and I’ll get back to you”

2. Give a brief reply.  If there is something that you don’t want to do, but aren’t busy should you lie?  I have found most success in giving a brief reply and if pressed for more details, to just say that I am busy.  Some examples of brief replies are:
    a. ” I won’t be able to attend, sorry”
    b. ”I’m sorry, but I can’t make it”

3. Why are you saying yes?  Before you let the word ‘yes” come out of your mouth, ask why you are saying yes.   If you are saying ‘yes’ for the wrong reasons then you need to challenge yourself to say ‘no’ instead.  Some possible wrong reasons include:
    a. Saying yes out of fear.  For example, fear that people won’t like you.
    b. Saying yes out of guilt. 
    c. Saying yes because of social pressure.  

4. What is your gut feeling?  Take a step back and listen to your gut instinct.  What is that you really want to do?  Usually you know you want to say ‘no,’ but feel obligated to say yes.  This is where practice is important, so you can say ‘no’ and be true to yourself.

5. Practice saying no.  This is the whole purpose of this comfort challenge, to practice saying ‘no’.   It does get easier with practice.
 

Posted in Overcoming Shyness | No Comments »

Even though you know you shouldn’t make social comparisons you probably still do.  But how fair is this on you, and your efforts to feel more comfortable in social situations.   If you still find yourself making social comparisons here are a few things to consider:

1. It’s not necessarily the comparison that should stop - only the unrealistic ones.  Do you seek out the most popular and charismatic person in the room and then compare yourself to them.  Or do you see a person on TV, talking about their latest movie and wish that you could talk with such ease and confidence?  This is hardly a fair comparison.
If you are going to compare yourself to others, at least make it a fair comparison.

2. Confident people are made, not born.   People are not born confident with the ability to talk comfortably with everyone; they learn and develop these skills.   Also remember that some people get help with what to say, and rehearse over and over to get it sounding just right.

3. Learn from these people.  Don’t compare yourself to the most socially confident people, instead watch how they act, what do they do, how do they stand, and what do they do when they are listening?  Observations like this can show you what skills to develop for yourself.

4. You can learn these skills too.   Practice looking people in the eye when you talk with them, stand tall and keep an open body posture.  Start doing this and practice, practice, practice until it becomes natural.

So if you are going to make social comparisons make them realistic.  Don’t compare yourself with someone who has a team of people behind them helping them know, how and what to say.  Don’t compare yourself with the person that has been practicing conversation skills for 20 years.   And even better establish what skills you need to develop so you too can become socially confident.

Posted in Tips and Tricks | 3 Comments »