Is shyness a choice?
I came across this blog post today. This blogger believes that shyness is a choice. I always have an initial defensiveness towards such claims because being shy is not something I would choose.
The post says:
“We might even be shy only in certain situations but we chose to be shy, because we have learned that it brings us safety.”
“Shyness is the result of picking up the idea that somehow interacting with people leads to an unfavorable outcome.”
This would make sense for those who develop shyness, for those who as a child are told to be quiet and punished for speaking their mind. But this doesn’t work for those that are born with a tendency towards shyness.
Shyness can be a learnt behaviour but research has also indicated that shyness maybe genetic. For myself, my parents and grandparents are all quite, reserved people. And I have been told that as a baby I would cry and hide from strangers. So was shyness a choice I made when I was 1 week old?
Shyness has a lot to do with how long it takes you to feel comfortable with new people. If you see me with my close friends and family I am not shy at all, I am chatty, outgoing and give options freely. But when I meet new people it takes me a while before I feel comfortable enough to open up to them. I agree that this is about feeling safe, but at the same time I think this is hard wired into us. Sure our experiences change how we feel about interacting with others. And I have found as I have got older my shyness has reduced. But I would argue that even if I experienced a zillion positive interactions I would still take some time to feel comfortable when meeting new people.
Do I think people chose to be shy? No I don’t. But I do believe that it is possible to reduce your shyness or manage it such a way that it has no negative impact on your life. Having a genetic element means only that you are predisposed towards being shy, it does not mean that you will be shy. Likewise to a person who has tendencies towards being overweight. It is perfectly possible for them to be thin if they chose to, but they do need to work at it.
July 6th, 2007 at 9:10 am
Like anything, it may be a combination. But one of my children was born naturally shy. She has been that way since birth, and requires extra comfort and encouragement to interact with others.
Not everyone is outgoing and bubbly.
July 6th, 2007 at 12:14 pm
Most kids are shy by nature. Can you blame them? They are just discovering the world.
But now that people are grown up and completely aware of themselves, one must take some sort of responsibility for one’s actions. Right?
When I wrote my “Shyness is a Choice” post I was aiming at the self aware individual who realizes that they are acting shy. If you realize that you are acting shy, you should be able to act “unshy”?
I guess by calling it a choice that implies that it’s easy, but I did not mean that either.
P.S. Thanks for stopping by my blog!
P.S.S. Shy does not equal Introverted
July 6th, 2007 at 3:08 pm
I agree that some are born shy and some develop shyness. Those that develop shyness as a safety device must then be able to reverse this.
Being an introvert is just who you are. That is not a choice.
Nice blog btw.
July 6th, 2007 at 4:36 pm
Alex, I really enjoyed your blog because I have been reaccessing my beliefs with regards to my shyness and your blog asked a question that I had not thought of.
This post was my first reaction.
Some people certainly seem to be born that way while others develop shyness as they grow. But you are right when the natural childhood shyness ends and we are standing as adults we do need to take responsibility for our actions.
I am still trying to understand where being an introvet ends and my being shy begins.
To Dana, I completely agree. Talking absolutes never really works because there is so many “depends” and “combinations”.
To Hamon, I agree with your comment and thanks for reading my blog
July 7th, 2007 at 2:05 am
Well I understand what it is like to develop a shyness towards people as a direct result of being bullied at school. I’m now in my mid 20’s and it’s still something I am working on. It’s not easy, but it a choice I make each day, to overcome it.
I’m glad I found your blog. I have added the rss feed.