Conversation Tip: Use their name.
One problem you may encounter as a shy person is that others may perceive you as being unfriendly. One simple way to negate this is to use the person’s name when greeting them and/or in the conversation. This can help present a friendlier image without stepping too far out of your comfort zone.
This works because people like to hear their own name; it makes them feel good to be acknowledged in a pleasant way by another person. So each time you greet someone use their name they will get a little self-confidence boost and this will reflect favourably on you as they will associated you with feeling good.
Consider the following:
Hi.
Hi, how are you?
Hi Jeff, how are you?
See you later.
Good to see you again.
Good to see you again Jeff. See you later.
The greetings and closing which include Jeff’s name are more personal and acknowledge Jeff in a positive way. The result is Jeff feels good and he associates you with this good feeling.
Of course you need to be careful not to overdo it as saying someone’s name in every sentence can be odd and creepy. A good rule of thumb is to say the person’s name when greeting them and then use the length of the conversation as a guide whether to say it again. A long conversation could end with “See you later Bob, good talking with you” whereas a shorter one “see you later”.
This is something I have generally avoided doing. For some reason I feel strange when using the person’s name in conversation. So it is taking some practice for it to feel natural. I began by just using the person’s name when greeting them, this felt very strange at first, but after some practice it now feels more natural. So now I am trying to use their name as conversation comes to a close. This is a little more tricky as I find myself thinking ‘was that conversation long enough to use their name again or not. Generally if I am unsure I stick with “good to see you again, bye.”
Next time you talk with someone take note if they say your name and how that feels. Using the person’s name in a conversation needs to be natural and relaxed but sometimes these skills aren’t quite as natural as we would like. This is something I have had to practice before it becomes natural so don’t let it put you off trying.
Posted: December 4th, 2008 under Tips and Tricks.
Comments
Comment from Linette
Time January 24, 2009 at 7:39 pm
Hi!
I came across your blog and just love it! I was very shy at one time, and still have feelings of inferiority around successful or wealthy people.
My problem is not me, however- it’s my son, who’s 17 and will not call his school friends to ask them to come over. He’s afraid of rejection, he finally admitted to me after months of me trying to coax him. Now, I fear I’ve overdone it.
But I’m trying to find some good conversation starters just to “call your pals.” You’ve got great tips here, which I will share with him bit by bit, but would really appreciate some on phone calling for the first time, to invite a friend over.
Thanks much!
Linette
Comment from Dee
Time January 30, 2009 at 12:22 am
Thanks qoope.
Linette – that would make a great topic, I will try to post something that might help asap.
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Comment from Blake
Time June 30, 2009 at 7:25 am
I noticed you have one Carnegie book in your sidebar- have you read ‘How to Win Friends and Influence People’? There’s a chapter devoted exclusively to this.
Even better still is to remember a person’s name. A lot of influential people benefit from consciously working to remember as many names as possible, then months or even years later, they can greet people by name.
Comment from Row
Time October 22, 2009 at 8:44 am
I’m sorry but I disagree that everybody enjoys hearing their own name. I’m not trying to be rude at all, but I wanted to point out how uncomfortable it can be instead.
I cringe almost every time I hear my own name. I don’t know why – my name’s Rowena and I have nothing against it; but for some reason I feel self-conscious. I have known several people (an ex included) who used to say my name all the time during a conversation and it was horrible! An acquaintance of mine always makes a point of using my name in greeting, but it takes him a few moments to remember what it is: “Hello..er…R..Rowena”. It would be far simpler just to say hello and have done with it.
I find I dislike using other people’s names too, most of the time. I’ll use it to attract a person’s attention, but then the conversation will generally continue without my mentioning their name. There seems no point in it – I can say what I need to say, and be friendly and polite without reminding them of what they are called. And can their be anything worse than an audience member trying to get chummy with the presented when asking them a question “Hi, Cilla, how are you? My question is…” It really makes me shudder!
The same goes for recounting what’s happened to me. There are those who tell of conversations they’ve had which include their own names “…And so then Jane says to me: “Well, Sarah, the way I see it…”". Why bother?
As I said before I don’t wish to undermine this article, and I’m not advocating being antisocial; but I did want to put the point across for the other side – us unfortunate individuals who would rather our names were used only when absolutely necessary!
Comment from qoope
Time December 8, 2008 at 9:49 am
Good post thanks a lot!