Looking through the list below you may see symptoms that you have experienced. Sometimes people are aware that they are feeling uncomfortable, but are unable to define it more than that. It may help to know which symptoms you experience to help you know what area to target as you work to overcome shyness. Worry is something that use to trouble me a lot; working to reduce worry has had a positive impact on my shyness - less worry has led to less shyness. Another example is a friend who use to talk about her heart beating so loud she could hear it, this in turn made her shyness worse as she worried that others could also hear it. So as part of her plan to overcome shyness she learnt breathing techniques which helped keeping her heart from racing, therefore, removing the worry that others could hear it and ultimately reducing her shyness. So while this list can appear daunting, that isn’t the aim.  The aim is to recognize which symptoms you experience, then taking this knowledge to help you overcome shyness.
 

Outward symptoms. 

These are visible to others and often very hard to hide.  They can be broken into two groups, behavioural and physiological. 

Behavioural symptoms
- Not speaking or saying very little.
- Stuttering.
- Very little or no eye contact.
- Standing apart from others.
- Speaking in a low voice.

Physiological symptoms
- Blushing.
- Muscle tension.
- Sweating/ sweaty hands.
- Increase in heart rate .
- Feeling sick, upset stomach or butterflies. 
- Shaking.
- Dry mouth.

Inward symptoms.  

These are the symptoms that happen on the inside and they are easier to hide than outward symptoms.  

- Self consciousness.
- Negative thoughts (why did I do that for, I am useless etc.)
- Fear of being judged by others.
- Fear of being rejected or forgotten .
- Excessive worry.
- Feeling embarrassed.
- Anxiety.
- Low self-esteem.
- Sadness/depression.

Posted in Understanding Shyness, What is Shyness? | 3 Comments »

Are people born shy?  Simply put, a person cannot be born shy because newborns do not have a sense of self.  They are not aware that they are a separate person and since shyness requires us to have a sense of self, we cannot be born shy.

However, we are born with a temperament.  A temperament is the genetically based part of our personalities, with some of us being born with a more inhibited temperament than others. Studies have examined babies and how they react to stimulations, then look at how these children act as children.  They noticed that the babies that were more inhibited as babies were generally more inhibited as children.  Therefore, concluding that while we are not born shy, we may be born with a predisposition to shyness.

Our temperament may be genetic but it is also influenced by our environment so just because a person is predisposed to shyness doesn’t mean they will be a shy adult. And likewise some people develop shyness without being predisposed towards it. Our environment and life experiences can help reduce shyness, in part or in whole, increase it or create it.

The good news is that whatever the reason of your shyness, it can be overcome.  We know this because our environment and experiences have a large impact of our degree of shyness. As adults we have more control over our environment and at most ages we can set up and create our own positive experiences. 

*Please note I am not referring to extreme shyness, if you are at all concerned please see a medical profession.

Posted in Understanding Shyness | 3 Comments »

Shyness is feeling uncomfortable or apprehensive in social situations.  The discomfort may vary from mild to debilitating and can occur in a range of social situations.  For those that experience shyness regularly overcoming shyness can be a daunting task, but the good news is it can be done. 

Feeling shy often comes from feeling unsure how to belong or relate to a social group or person.  Because people feel uncertain about what to say or how to act they may experience feelings of discomfort and anxiety - shyness.  This is very common, especially when dealing with authority figures, potential partners, and people you have just met.  In these situations we may worry about saying or doing the wrong thing, feeling foolish, offending someone or ostracizing ourselves.  This fear can lead to people withdrawing and being more reserved that they otherwise might and overtime shyness can cause people to avoid social situations where this discomfort may occur.

Avoidance is not the answer and in fact can make the shyness worse.  The less we interact with people the less comfortable we are in social situations, which in turn can lead to more avoidance.  Getting out there and being willing to try new social situations is the key to overcoming shyness.  Willingness and some practice will lead to positive social experiences, increasing confidence and decreases apprehension and overall overcoming shyness.

Posted in Understanding Shyness | 2 Comments »

If you are shy, you are not alone.  In fact, I would go so far as to say, you are in very good company.    I was tempted to seek out a list of famous people who describe themselves as shy, but famous people aren’t the only ones who make good company.   Sometime you will be surprised to find out that people you wouldn’t suspect also experience shyness.

When I was about 8, a teacher talked to me about how she was very shy as a child and especially so through her teenage years.  She left home to attend university and after completing one year towards a business degree, realized she had chosen that career path because it would be easiest.   The problem was what she really wanted to do, was teach.   But being a teacher would mean talking in front of others, not just the students, but other teachers and parents also.   Obviously since she was my teacher at the time, you can guess that she followed her passion and became a teacher.   She told me how she would slowly push herself to talk to others, and then speak out in class.

I remember that talk because it meant a lot to me because:
   1. It showed me that shyness could be overcome.
   2. It showed me that other people were shy.
   3. It showed me that other people understood what it was like to be shy.

 Before this, I would look around and it seemed to me that nobody else felt like I did, that I was all alone.  So finding out that this wasn’t the case was simultaneously a huge relief and it gave me hope.

It is important to know that there are others who have been through the same things you have.   Who have experienced the same thoughts and feelings, and who have lived to tell.    The internet can be especially useful for this, for example; you can find blogs like this one, join message boards or read articles about shyness.  

Even though it has been  many years since I was 8, I am still surprised, at times, when I read or hear something that makes me think – that’s just like my shyness and once again I am reminded that there are a great number of people that experience shyness and that I am not alone.

Posted in My Shyness, Understanding Shyness | 1 Comment »

I received an email from Sam56 asking for some help:

“I’m shy and I really like this girl, how do I ask her out ….  I think she might like me too.  Thanks.”

Sam the best advice I can give you is just do it.  You said you think she likes you, so there is a good chance she will say yes,  but in the end of the day the worst that can happen is she says no.  This just means it wasn’t meant to be.  But if you don’t ask her out, you might spend a long time wondering “what if”.    So next time you are talking with her, ask her if she wants to go to the movies with you.   I would suggest having a rough plan of what you are going to say, but don’t get too caught up in details.  Let the conversation flow naturally.   And Good Luck and let us know how you go.

Sam56 thanks so much for your email :-)  

Posted in Tips and Tricks, Understanding Shyness | No Comments »

I came across this blog post today.  This blogger believes that shyness is a choice.   I always  have an initial defensiveness towards such claims because being shy is not something I would choose.  

  The post says:

“We might even be shy only in certain situations but we chose to be shy, because we have learned that it brings us safety.”

“Shyness is the result of picking up the idea that somehow interacting with people leads to an unfavorable outcome.”

This would make sense for those who develop shyness, for those who as a child are told to be quiet and punished for speaking their mind.  But this doesn’t work for those that are born with a tendency towards shyness.  

Shyness can be a learnt behaviour but research has also indicated that shyness maybe genetic.  For myself, my parents and grandparents are all quite, reserved people.  And I have been told that as a  baby I would cry and hide from strangers.    So was shyness a choice I made when I was 1 week old? 

Shyness has a lot to do with how long it takes you to feel comfortable with new people.   If you see me with my close friends and family I am not shy at all, I am chatty, outgoing and give options freely.  But when I meet new people it takes me a while before I feel comfortable enough to open up to them.      I agree that this is about feeling safe, but at the same time I think this is hard wired into us.    Sure our experiences change how we feel about interacting with others.  And I have found as I have got older my shyness has reduced.   But I would argue that even if I experienced a zillion positive interactions I would still take some time to feel comfortable when meeting new people. 

Do I think people chose to be shy?  No I don’t.  But I do  believe that it is possible to reduce your shyness or manage it such a way that it has no negative impact on your life.   Having a genetic element means only that you are predisposed towards being shy, it does not mean that you will be shy.  Likewise to a person who has tendencies towards being overweight.  It is perfectly possible for them to be thin if they chose to, but they do need to work at it.   

Posted in Understanding Shyness | 5 Comments »

Shyness can impact every aspect of your life, but it’s not all bad.  In fact there are many advantages to being shy.

Children:   Shy children are safer.   Children have a natural shyness that helps keep them safe until they are able to develop an ‘instinct’ towards people and situations.  Everyone has seen the small child that is too trusting of strangers and likes to talk  to each stranger as they walk past.   This natural shyness is outgrown by most children.  

Education and Career:  Less talkative people often develop very good listening and analytical skills.  They take the time to survey a situation or watch a person, to gain a stronger understand of what is really happening, this can be a strong advantage especially in negotiations.     Shy people are resourceful, independent and self-reflective which can lead to very creative and successful career.

Relationships:  Shy people make very loyal friends and partners.  The relationship may take longer to develop, but once a shy person feels comfortable they open up and a deep friendship will develop. 

There is also disadvantages of being shy. 

Posted in Understanding Shyness | No Comments »

Shyness can impact every aspect of your life.   

This research article discusses the negative impact of being shy in a world that favours talkative people.   Here is a quick summary:

Education and career:  Shy children are less likely to get involved in activities and to participate in class discussions.  This can lead to them being overlooked by the teacher or mistaken for not understanding the work.  Once in higher education shy people are more likely to choose courses and papers that match their level of shyness.  They avoid papers that involve a lot communication and favour subjects like accounting, computer science and electrical engineering.   Shy people then have more difficulty at job interviews, and are often passed over for job promotions in favour of a more outgoing peer.  

Relationships:  Many shy people often approach dating with trepidation, and are less likely to date around.

The Good News:  People can create an environment to be successful without overcoming shyness.  And in many cases shyness can be overcome or managed, by developing the right skills or simply by gaining confidence and out growing your shyness.

Posted in Understanding Shyness | 2 Comments »

There is often confusion as to whether people are shy or introvert and just what the difference is.   

An Introvert is not the same as shyness.  An introvert is more concerned with their own thoughts, ideas and feelings than with what is happening around them.  An introvert is energised being alone and often feel drained by spending time with others.  Introverts enjoy the solitude, but when it comes to social situations they have no problems interacting with others.   

Shy people on the other hand are uncomfortable in social settings, and often chose to avoid them due to this fact rather than personal preference.  

But as is life we often don’t fit in just one category.   It is possible for shy people to have a degree of introversion in them and likewise for an introvert to have some degree of shyness.

And not to forget that extroverts can also have a degree of shyness in them.  They can appear outgoing and popular but can still feel uncomfortable around others.   

So where do you stand?    I am shy with elements of introversion.   Social settings are uncomfortable for me so I avoid many gatherings based on that.  But at the same time I really do enjoy spending some time just with me. 

Posted in Introvert vs Shyness, Understanding Shyness | 5 Comments »

It is a common misconception that a shy person has low self-esteem. 

 This is not necessarily the case.   Just as is nothing wrong with being outgoing and chatty, there is nothing wrong with being quiet and shy.   In fact, there are a number of benefits to being shy or an introvert.  Firstly, those of us that are more quiet tend to be very good listeners.  This is a very positive trait and one that is necessary to be successful in many occupations.  Secondly, shy people are more observant to what is happening around them. In business being very perceptive can be an advantage. 

The trick is that it is important to not let shyness get in the way of achieving your goals.  Don’t let it stop you being the success you want.  If you are aiming to be the next Bill Gates (who himself has been reported to be shy) then let your shyness and quite nature be your advantage, not your disadvantage.  Learning to be an extrovert when it is needed is the key.

Posted in Understanding Shyness | 2 Comments »