Self esteem is the how you feel about yourself, are you satisfied with who you are?  Shyness and self esteem can often be linked and like overcoming shyness, building self esteem can take some time (obviously it’s well worth it)  but here are 5 ideas you can incoropate into your life starting right now.  Some are ideas you can practice now, some you will need to wait for the next opportunity to practice but all will help you build your self- esteem. 

1. Do something you love.

If you do something you love something it creates an upward positive spiral.  You love it so you learn more/practice more.  This leads to increased knowledge and skill, which leads to increased confidence and self esteem.    
Doing things that make us happy improve our thoughts and feelings about our life makes so much sense, but often in ‘the real world’ we find ourselves dropping those things we love as other more practical needs get in the way.
So don’t stop doing something you love because it won’t make you enough money.  You don’t need to be following your passion into a career, as this isn’t always practical, but continue to follow it.  For example, if you enjoy writing songs, then write a night or at the weekends.  What is it that you love to do?

2. Take a walk.

I am always amazed at how the simple act of talking a walk makes me feel better.  Feeling better about things in general has a nice flow on affect.  That is, when you feel in a generally good mood things seem easier and you are more likely to have a positive outcome.   Simple steps in looking after your health; including eating well, daily exercise and getting enough sleep also helps with this.  If you are in a position to do so, after you finish reading this try going for a short walk and see how the rest of your day goes.

3. Accept all compliments.

Don’t push them aside and just dismiss them and don’t give excuses like “oh no it was easy, it was nothing”.  Just say thank you.   If you are not use to it, it will be feel strange to start with.  Keep saying ‘Thank you’ anyway and soon it won’t feel so strange.

4. Acknowledge your strengths and achievements.

The very fact that you are reading this and actively seeking to improve yourself is a positive.  Don’t ignore this strength, you are willing and open to self improvement and development.   Acknowledge this strength and then acknowledge another.   Even the things that seem small to you, they are only small to you because you do them so well.  Other people may strive to acquire those skills or traits, so don’t dismiss anything.  Look at yourself and acknowledge all your strengths.

5. Experience a positive outcome.

Nothing boosts your self esteem and confidence like a successful and positive experience.   The trick here is to take small steps, each step hopefully will prove to be a positive experience.  For example; if you are after the successful experience of asking someone on a date, start by talking to them.  You will be amazed at how a few comfortable and successful conversations can help boost your self esteem to the point you feel confident asking them out for coffee.  Using positive out comes takes more time to than the other points in this article, but you can still find (and do) the first step today.  In the example, you could say hello to that person today, maybe some small talk.  It doesn’t have to be all or nothing, you can progress towards your goal as fast or slow as you need. 

So there you have it if you want to boost your self esteem and confidence here are 5 simple things you can do today to help. 
1. Do something you love.
2. Take a walk.
3. Accept compliments.
4. Acknowledge your strengths and achievements.
5. Experience positive outcomes.

Of course there are many other ways to help increase your self esteem and confidence, the topic of future articles, but the idea here is to give you a few simple things you can do start doing today to help boost your self esteem.

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I like New Year resolutions.  There is something about the first of the year, the ideal of a clean slate to start the year.  With a brand new year ahead what is it you will do to make sure it’s the best ever.    Setting New Year resolutions reminds me that I can take active steps to improve my life.     Of course you can set resolutions or goals that aim to improve your life at any time; your birthday, the start of spring, Monday, or right now.  But sometimes the start of a new year, gives us a new sense of hope and adventure.

Making goals that work.

If you like to set resolutions here are three easy tips to help ensure you stick to them and change your life for the better:

1. Set a specific goal.
General statements won’t produce nearly the same level of success that a specific goal will.  For example, one of my resolutions this year is to read at least 12 books.  Notice the goal isn’t to just ‘read more’.  I actually read a lot already, but it seems to have gone from novels, to papers, magazines and blogs etc.  I plan to set out to read 12 good novels this year.  I already have the first couple picked out. 
2. Make a plan.
That rush of motivation you feel on the first few days of the New Year doesn’t usually take long to fade.  If you haven’t made some sort of a plan your new year’s resolutions often leave with that motivation.   Making a plan also has the benefit of showing you how realistic the goals are. 
3. Don’t make too many resolutions.
I find sticking to one or two resolutions works best.  Trying to change 10 things in your life is too much.   I also try to have only one ‘big’ resolution and one smaller one increases your success rate.  And if you find one resolution or goal reached, acknowledge your achievements and move on to the next goal.
 
Remember the start of a New Year is a great time to set yourself some goals, though goal setting and planning does not need to be reserved for the New Year.    Making goals specific with a plan and keeping focus on one goal at a time can really help you achieve your resolutions.

Oh and Happy New Year!

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Here is a tip that works to help you take action and prevent your shyness overtaking you.   Keep your phone near you.  If you have a home office set up, keep you phone in this area.  It is best to be able to reach your phone without having to get up.   This works because now when you realise you need to make a call, you can just pick up the phone and call.  If you have to get up and walk to the phone, this gives you too much time to think and there is a good chance that your shyness will start and this may prevent you from making the call, or cause anxiety.

I discovered this by accident several years ago after I rearranged things and as a result moved the phone (cordless) to the next room.  I found that if I was sitting at my desk and decided that I needed to ring someone then having to actually get up and walk into the next room gave my shyness enough time to kick in and often I found excuses not to make the call.  Keeping the phone right next to my desk means that once I realise I need to call someone, I just pick it up and make the call.  This way I was already talking with someone before my shyness had time to realise what was going.

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Shyness can often leave you standing to the side wondering what to say or do.  Taking action may seem like a general (and useless) piece of advice but it isn’t as hard as it seems.  And it works!  Like most things as one step it is huge, but broken down into small steps, taking action to overcome shyness is do-able.

How to take action when you don’t know what to do?

Taking that first step is always the hardest, but once you get going it is much easier to keep going.  So the main challenge is taking that first step.  Being shy means there are often times when you are unsure what to do.  Taking action still applies in these situations.  If you don’t know what to do, think of two or three options.  I have found that usually there are several options running in my head, I just get stuck knowing what to choose so use to do none.   Once you have a few options, just pick one.  It doesn’t matter what one, it is far more important that you do something.   

Example:  You are at a party and most people are strangers.  Think of some options, you come up with the options: 

1. Go home. 
2. Go and introduce yourself to new people. 
3. Get a soda. 
4. Talk with the friend you came with.

Now quickly scan through these options and discard any that are not practical and then just randomly choose one option from what’s left.  Looking at the example  and you might decide that option one, go home is best used as a plan B or C.    Option 2, go and introduce yourself might be too much at the moment.  So it’s down to option 3 and 4.  Say you pick option 3.  Well now a decision is made so you can take action.   Walk over and get a soda, as you pick it up you might make small talk with other person.  And off you go having a great night.  If not and you are still standing alone, now you can try option 4 and find your friend. 

No action = increase in fear.

If you are shy and in an uncomfortable social situation you need to take action, no matter how small.  If you don’t take any action, you will most likely stand there and think, and there is a good chance that those thoughts will be critical.  Thinking too much also leads to a small deal quickly becoming a HUGE deal.  Lack of action can lead to increase in fear, which leads to less action.  It can be a vicious downward spiral.

Bonus tips.

If you know you are attending a social event, pre-plan some options.  The other thing I have noticed is that situations often repeat.  This means that if your shyness means that you think of what to say or do afterwards, remember them because the situation may come up again. 

Taking action will keep the fear and shyness away (or at least reduce it.) So find a few options and take action.  Usually, if you have three options, it doesn’t really matter what option you do first.  Just do one.  The first is always hardest, so once you have taken one small step, keep moving.

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Music is a wonderful way to energise you, cheer you up, or relax you.   This quick tip aims to show you how to find songs that you can use to help you deal with shyness and the negative feelings that are sometimes associated with overcoming it.
 
Find the song:
1. Find some songs you like, listen to them and note how each song makes you feel. 
2. Narrow it down to 2 or 3 songs that make you feel great and that relax you.  And have at least one song that gets you dancing.
3. If no songs provoke those feelings – you need to train the songs.  Do this by choosing a song or two and listen to them several times after a great day.  While listening close your eyes and relax.  Soon these songs will be associated with feeling good and relaxed.
4. Once you have your songs (or trained them) use them to relax you when needed.   For example, just before going out listen to your relaxing songs then the get up and dance song. 

Using music can be very powerful so make sure you have a few songs that work for you.  Dealing with shyness can be tough sometimes, having a method to relax and feel better on stand-by can make a big difference.

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In the overcoming shyness series I discuss how extending your comfort zone is the key to overcoming shyness.   Comfort challenges is a perfect way to achieve this.   I stumbled across this idea in the book I just started reading;  The 4-Hour Workweek.   The book’s blub talks about how to escape 9-5, working less and living more so finding ideas that could translate to help overcome shyness was a nice surprise.

The comfort challenge is a wonderful idea that I am going to pick up and expand on for overcoming shyness.  The first comfort challenge in the book is to look people in the eye.  When you talk with others, or when you pass people in the street – look them in the eye until they break eye contact.  It’s not a staring contest so remember to blink. 

Looking people in the eye while listening is fine, but I know that when I talk I often look away.  So this will be the main challenge for me.   I will report back in several days on what happened.

Tim Ferris has a website and blog here, take a look.  Tim has loads of great ideas that can help your everyday life. 

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Shyness can cause the ‘I don’t know what to say’ problem.  Where you are in a situation where you want to talk with the other person but don’t know what to say.  Either you have a total blank and no clue about what to talk about or you think they will think you are stupid so you say nothing and this awkward pause develops.

One idea to try is just to say what you think.   I have found that sometimes shyness will stop you from saying the small things because you are looking for that perfect thing to say.  Stop looking for it, there is no perfect thing to say, just say what you think. 

 Working example. 

This past week I had a conversation with a neighbour, an older women who I often saw out walking her dogs.   But this time, instead of saying nothing, I commented on how beautiful her two dogs were.   She stopped and smiled and told me the dogs names and we chatted for about 10 minutes.  If I waited to think of the perfect thing to say, I may never had said anything. 

Overcoming shyness is best achieved by taking baby steps and small conversations like this can be wonderful for increasing your confidence.  Just keep in mind that some people won’t be interested in stopping for a chat and this can be due to a number of reason that have nothing to do with you. 

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Here is a quick conversation tip.   If you are feeling shy when talking with someone and worried that you might be coming across as unfriendly this trick will help.  What you do is say -‘I like you’ with your eyes.    That’s it, say ‘I like you’ in your head while looking the other person in the eyes.  It is effectively another way to smile with your eyes, but tells you exactly how to do it.

So next time you are concerned your shyness may come across as unfriendliness trying saying “I like you” in your thoughts, while looking the other person in the eyes.

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A new neighbour or new co-worker is a wonderfully easy opportunity to make a new friend. It’s easy because you already have common ground, a reason to approach them and a reason for an exit.  And because you will see this new neighbour or co-worker regularly it is easier to naturally allow a friendship to develop.

If you are shy, you may be use to stepping back when new people arrive in your neighbourhood and workplace. Try taking an active role in approaching them and starting the development of a friendship.  

The first approach

After the moving van has left, give your new neighbour a day to sort themselves out. Then the next time you see them wave and walk over to say hi. If the opportunity for this doesn’t happen, knock on their door and welcome them to the neighbourhood.

In the work place it is most likely that you will get formally introduced. If not approach them “Hi, I’m Dee” is simple and does the trick.

Conversation.

Conversation topics are given to you. If the person is new to the neighbourhood you can ask them how well they know the area, where they moved from, etc. If you have children you could enquire if they have children and their age. Simple things like rubbish collection days, neighbourhood support groups (if there are any) are all topics.

New co-workers often have questions regarding office procedure and appreciate someone there to show them the ropes. Thinking back to the times I started a new job, I know I certainly appreciated those who went out of their way to help me get settled in.

Conversation Exit.

If you are talking with a new neighbour then excusing yourself so they can get back to unpacking or so you can get back to what you were doing is fine. You can also invite them over for a coffee if you feel so inclined.

For a new co-worker excuse yourself so you can get back to your work and give them an open invitation should they need any help.

Even when I was considerably shyer I always took the opportunity to say hi and welcome new neighbours and co-workers.  It prevents the awkwardness later of not knowing a person you work with, but more importantly it sets in place a good friendship. 

This post is part of the writing project at the writers manifesto.

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Today, 15 October is the day bloggers unite to raise awareness and this year the chosen topic is the environment. So the challenge is to write a post on an environmental - shyness issue so I present to you:

5 ways to be more social while saving the environment.

1. Ditch your car.

Walk instead of taking your car, or if that isn’t possible - take public transport. Not only are you helping to reduce the impact on the environment but you now have many opportunities to meet and talk with people. Even if it’s just a few hello’s and some small talk it all helps you feel more comfortable in different social situations.

2. Join a Group.

Join a community group that works towards helping the environment. Not only are you helping the environment but you will get to meet others who have the same goals as you.

3. Spread the message.

Find an environment issue that is important to you. This gives you a number of conversation topics. Don’t lecture people, but instead offer practical advice that can help others.

4. Unplug appliances not in use.

Ok so this has very little to do with social skills and shyness but it is such a simple little thing you can do. Get in the habit of turning off appliance that are not being used. Leaving your TV, DVD and stereo on stand-by still uses power. Turn these items off at the wall to save energy resources (and to reduced your power bill)

5. Reduce packaging.

I have recently discovered that buying local products means a lot less packaging. And less packaging means less rubbish, which is great news for the environment. The social benefit is that you can chat with the producer. One of my recent discoveries is a wonderful small shop that sells homemade soaps. Great for gifts and each time I visit the shop I have a chat with the women who makes the soaps.

So there you have it 5 4 ways that you can help the environment and become more social to help overcome shyness.

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