1. Give yourself a moment.

It is unfair to expect yourself to just brush off every rejection just like that. Some rejections will take time so always give yourself a moment. In this time you might wallow, think things over or lie on the bed and stare at the ceiling for a while.

2. Consider that it might just be the other person.

Always consider that the reason for the rejection might be nothing to do with you. Maybe the person was having a bad day and when they would usually say yes to going out for coffee, they were simply not in the mood. This is not so much a rejection rather that the other person had their own issues to sort out.

3. Treat yourself.

If you missed out on a job or someone you like didn’t like you back then do something special for yourself. It doesn’t have to be big, maybe a new DVD or a big bubble bath. Making yourself feel a little better in small simple ways does help to lift your mood.

4. Do something.

After you have taken some time to regroup be careful that you don’t dwell on the rejection longer than needed. Get up and do something. Doing something can take your mind off the rejection and give you a boast in confidence as tasks get completed.

5. Can you learn from it?

In some cases there is an opportunity to learn from the rejection and improve. Make sure you take these opportunities. If you missed out on a job because you miss a required skill, then investigate whether you can gain this skill. Knowing why you were rejected can help you avoid it in the future.

6. A no is better than not knowing.

If you tried asking out someone and they said no. After the rejection sting passes congratulate yourself for trying. It is the easier to not ask anyone out, that way you never get rejected – but you never get a yes either. Sometimes you have to get a few no’s to get to the yes. So don’t give up trying just because you got a no. To step out of your comfort zone and ask someone out is a big achievement and should be recognized as so.

Rejection isn’t easy, even when we have experienced it many times before. Take a moment and consider some of the other points mentioned above. But don’t let one rejection put you off.

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This works because people like to hear their own name; it makes them feel good to be acknowledged in a pleasant way by another person.    So each time you greet someone use their name they will get a little self-confidence boost  and this will reflect favourably on you as they will associated you with feeling  good. 

 Consider the following:
Hi.
Hi, how are you?
Hi Jeff, how are you? 
See you later.
Good to see you again.
Good to see you again Jeff.  See you later.

The greetings and closing which include Jeff’s name are more personal and acknowledge Jeff in a positive way.   The result is Jeff feels good and he associates you with this good feeling.

Of course you need to be careful not to overdo it as saying someone’s name in every sentence can be odd and creepy.  A good rule of thumb is to say the person’s name when greeting them and then use the length of the conversation as a guide whether to say it again.  A long conversation could end with “See you later Bob, good talking with you” whereas a shorter one “see you later”.  

This is something I have generally avoided doing.  For some reason I feel strange when using the person’s name in conversation.  So it is taking some practice for it to feel natural.  I began by just using the person’s name when greeting them, this felt very strange at first,  but after some practice it now feels more natural.  So now I am trying to use their name as conversation comes to a close.   This is a little more tricky as I find myself thinking ‘was that conversation long enough to use their name again or not.  Generally if I am unsure I stick with “good to see you again, bye.”  

Next time you talk with someone take note if they say your name and how that feels.    Using the person’s name in a conversation needs to be natural and relaxed but sometimes these skills aren’t quite as natural as we would like.  This is something I have had to practice before it becomes natural so don’t let it put you off trying.

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Do I want to go?

If yes this make the process very easy. 

If no, the best place to start is ask - do I have to go?

1. Do I need to attend for my career?    These events are must-attends for me, I try not to indulge myself thinking of why I shouldn’t go.  At one of my earlier work places the social club organized weekly quiz night which was optional, so I only went once.  Unlike the yearly client party, where the clients were all invited for a cocktail party.  I hated attending these, but it was not optional.  Thankfully they were only held once a year, so I only had to attend 2 before moving on to my next job. 

2. Am I expected/wanted at the event by someone close to me?  Another must-attend is if a close friends or family are holding an event/going to an event that is important to them and want your company or support.
 

If you don’t have to attend, there are a few other things to consider:

3. What other social events do you have coming up?  If you have a must-attend work-function Saturday, then skipping a cocktail party Friday night is ok.

4. What other social events have you attended recently?  The idea is to make sure you do not avoiding everything.  If your neighbor is holding a baby shower and you haven’t been out in a few weeks, then this is a good opportunity to socialize (and help overcome shyness.)  On the other hand if you have been to other social events recently a weekend at home and skipping one event is fine and gives you some time recharge.

5. How many people will you know?  Social events where there are a number of people you know are always far easier than social events where you only know one person.  I always prefer events where I know more people and I use these events as perfect opportunities to increase my conversation skills.

6. How many people will be there?  My introverted self always prefers small gatherings to large.   If you are starting to take small steps to overcome shyness, gatherings where there only a few people maybe an easier place to start. 

7. Can’t I escape?  If the social gathering was on a boat that would sail (that is, I would be stuck) I would be unlikely to go unless I had to.  I find it a great comfort to know I can pop in, make an appearance and then leave if I need to.  Even if I do end up staying a while, I feel considerably more comfortable knowing I can leave if I want.

8. General mood.   Sometimes I feel more prepared and willing to socialize and likewise sometimes I much prefer to stay home.  

9. Will you regret not going?   A school reunion is coming up, would you regret not going?  It would be far worse to have the regret because you didn’t go than going and having a few minutes of discomfort.

So when you find yourself wondering whether to go to a certain social event consider the factors above.  They should help you attend the most suited social events.

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Why sleep helps.

Getting enough sleep means you will have enough energy to deal with your day, and little (and bigger) problems are just easier to cope with.  Enough sleep really can make a big difference because it is harder to cope with things when we are tried.  Most people are already aware of this from their own experiences – When I’m tired things just seem harder.  If you have are dealing with people and shyness it can feel too much when you are tired.  Fully rested and you are more able to cope.

Recently I have been what I would describe as crazy-busy.  It is slowing now but I still find it hard to get enough sleep since I am often tempted to try and just do one more thing before bed.  The problem is once I’m tired I find everything much harder to do and cope with.  Simply stopping and going to bed a little earlier means I can function much more effectively the next day – which of course means I actually get more down.  But for some reason I still like to try and convince myself to do that extra thing before bed, or watch a DVD!  Sometimes a little reminder about how enough sleep can help you deal with things a little easier is the motivation I need to get to bed.

How much sleep?

Time magazine recently published an article claiming that anywhere between 6.5 – 7.5 hours of sleep each night is optimal.   This, of course, is a rough guide as each person and each day is slightly different and accordingly our sleep needs vary.

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2. Understand the importance of small step.

One of the first things I did to overcome shyness was to ring stores and ask what time they closed.  I’m pretty sure there are people that read that and can’t believe that someone would have trouble doing something so simple.  But this is where I started, with this simple and small step.  

I have found that sometimes we try to ignore things we hard, especially if we feel it is something we should be able to do. Don’t let this delay you taking action.  Remember  that other people have insecurities but don’t go around telling people and it is that first small step that will lead to the next and the next and the next.   It is these small steps that will lead to success.  So it doesn’t matter how small that first step is; it is only important that you are taking these steps. 

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The key to dealing with advice like this is to simply acknowledge that this person, however good their intentions, does not fully understand your situation.    Given this, they can only offer advice from their own perspective.   For them it is that easy, you just get up and go talk to someone.   But from my point of view that was not an easy thing to do.   If it was that easy I would already be doing it.  
Another way to think about it is ask ‘what if a person came to you and asked how to be more quiet and listen more than you talk?’  Well I don’t have that problem, it comes naturally.  There are no steps I have to take, I just do it.  So how would you answer?  Just listen more?  Stop talking as much?   It doesn’t mean anything is wrong with them, only that it’s different.

*Keep in mind that some people have overcome shyness and they may be able to help.  Likewise a trained professional maybe able to help as their training developed the skills and knowledge to understand different people.  But of course, these people are unlikely to just say “just stop being shy” without helping you/giving you ideas on how to actually do this.

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Usually when people talk of social events they mean parties, networking events, dinner parties, going out to dinner, work parties, concerts, charity events…  But when I first started making an effort to overcome my shyness I looked at just going to work as a social event.  I used morning tea as a chance to observe how my co-workers interacted.  Once this was comfortable I started to join in the conversation.  To start with my contribution was nothing more than a few words, but soon I would ask questions and express my opinion.  For several months this was all I could cope with. 

 When chatting during morning tea felt much easier I decided to try the same at the gym.  I first said hello to some of the other regulars, then I would make small talk.   Again, going to the gym and work during the week was plenty of socializing for me.  So I spent the weekends on my own or with very close family or friends.   Then one day I was invited to a party by one of the girls at the gym.  After a fair bit of anxiety I decided to attend and surprised myself by having a great time.   After that a couple of us would go out every other Friday night.   Being an introvert, this was plenty for me. 

So if you are reading this and thinking you don’t have any social events, look at where you currently interact with others.  School, work, going to the gym are all socializing opportunities.  These are the perfect place to start because you are already going there.  It doesn’t take much to become a more social person.  Smile, make eye contact and say hello and as this gets easier look for the next step. 

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But don’t worry, this story has a happy ending (sort of) It is because of that one regret and missed chance that I have taken action since.  If hadn’t been for that one lost opportunity I wouldn’t have been so determined not to miss the next one.    If it hadn’t been for that one lost opportunity I would not have fully understood just how much regrets suck.    It was from that one event that I decided that I didn’t want any more regrets.   

The chance to meet that particular person has not happened again (yet), but I have said hello to a couple other celebrities I like.  Even though I was very nervous, as I approached them I was not focusing on the shyness.  The driving force had changed to knowing I had to do this or I would regret it. But it is not only these opportunites that I have taken, other situations where I know I will regret not doing something, I know take action.  It doesn’t always work out perfectly, but I know it is better than having that nagging regret.

If you don’t ask out that guy/girl you like and then they graduate/change job/move and you don’t see them again, don’t dwell too long, instead use it to motivate you to take action next time.    Next time ask them out.  I promise you that you will regret not asking considerably more than if you ask and get a ‘no’.

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   1. It gives you conversation topics. 
   2. It is much easier to talk about things you love.

In most work places and schools/collages people gather the morning after to talk about their favorite TV shows.    It is therefore a matter of finding people that like the same shows as you and/or watching shows others discuss.  Now, I’m not suggesting watching a show you hate just to have something to talk about.  But if you notice people at work or school talking about a particular show, check it out. 

In my third job, I became good friends with two of the women because we all loved the show ‘Survivor’, each morning after the show we would share our thoughts and feelings on who left, who we liked, who we hated etc.   It may seem trivial to talk about a TV show, but this was a show I watched religiously, I loved it and felt confident and comfortable talking about it.  This, of course, lead to a greater comfort when talking to the other women about other subjects and soon our bond over survivor developed into a wonderful friendship.

Finding little conversation topics like this can be extremely helpful in overcoming your shyness.   And remember it is these little conversation topics that lead to the bigger ones. 

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1. It’s not necessarily the comparison that should stop – only the unrealistic ones.  Do you seek out the most popular and charismatic person in the room and then compare yourself to them.  Or do you see a person on TV, talking about their latest movie and wish that you could talk with such ease and confidence?  This is hardly a fair comparison.
If you are going to compare yourself to others, at least make it a fair comparison.

2. Confident people are made, not born.   People are not born confident with the ability to talk comfortably with everyone; they learn and develop these skills.   Also remember that some people get help with what to say, and rehearse over and over to get it sounding just right.

3. Learn from these people.  Don’t compare yourself to the most socially confident people, instead watch how they act, what do they do, how do they stand, and what do they do when they are listening?  Observations like this can show you what skills to develop for yourself.

4. You can learn these skills too.   Practice looking people in the eye when you talk with them, stand tall and keep an open body posture.  Start doing this and practice, practice, practice until it becomes natural.

So if you are going to make social comparisons make them realistic.  Don’t compare yourself with someone who has a team of people behind them helping them know, how and what to say.  Don’t compare yourself with the person that has been practicing conversation skills for 20 years.   And even better establish what skills you need to develop so you too can become socially confident.

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