You don’t have to attend every social event you are invited to - but how do you choose which to attend and which to pass?    During the year I often find there are times when I have no social events to attend, and then there are times when there seem to be too many.   During these busy times there are often social events I pass.  The following is how I decide which social events to attend and which pass.

Do I want to go?

If yes this make the process very easy. 

If no, the best place to start is ask - do I have to go?

1. Do I need to attend for my career?    These events are must-attends for me, I try not to indulge myself thinking of why I shouldn’t go.  At one of my earlier work places the social club organized weekly quiz night which was optional, so I only went once.  Unlike the yearly client party, where the clients were all invited for a cocktail party.  I hated attending these, but it was not optional.  Thankfully they were only held once a year, so I only had to attend 2 before moving on to my next job. 

2. Am I expected/wanted at the event by someone close to me?  Another must-attend is if a close friends or family are holding an event/going to an event that is important to them and want your company or support.
 

If you don’t have to attend, there are a few other things to consider:

3. What other social events do you have coming up?  If you have a must-attend work-function Saturday, then skipping a cocktail party Friday night is ok.

4. What other social events have you attended recently?  The idea is to make sure you do not avoiding everything.  If your neighbor is holding a baby shower and you haven’t been out in a few weeks, then this is a good opportunity to socialize (and help overcome shyness.)  On the other hand if you have been to other social events recently a weekend at home and skipping one event is fine and gives you some time recharge.

5. How many people will you know?  Social events where there are a number of people you know are always far easier than social events where you only know one person.  I always prefer events where I know more people and I use these events as perfect opportunities to increase my conversation skills.

6. How many people will be there?  My introverted self always prefers small gatherings to large.   If you are starting to take small steps to overcome shyness, gatherings where there only a few people maybe an easier place to start. 

7. Can’t I escape?  If the social gathering was on a boat that would sail (that is, I would be stuck) I would be unlikely to go unless I had to.  I find it a great comfort to know I can pop in, make an appearance and then leave if I need to.  Even if I do end up staying a while, I feel considerably more comfortable knowing I can leave if I want.

8. General mood.   Sometimes I feel more prepared and willing to socialize and likewise sometimes I much prefer to stay home.  

9. Will you regret not going?   A school reunion is coming up, would you regret not going?  It would be far worse to have the regret because you didn’t go than going and having a few minutes of discomfort.

So when you find yourself wondering whether to go to a certain social event consider the factors above.  They should help you attend the most suited social events.

Posted in Tips and Tricks | 3 Comments »

 There are several simple things you can do each day to help deal with and overcome shyness.  These things alone won’t help overcome shyness rather they make it easier to deal with shyness and that ultimately will help you work towards overcoming it.  One of these simple things you can do is get enough sleep.  

Why sleep helps.

Getting enough sleep means you will have enough energy to deal with your day, and little (and bigger) problems are just easier to cope with.  Enough sleep really can make a big difference because it is harder to cope with things when we are tried.  Most people are already aware of this from their own experiences – When I’m tired things just seem harder.  If you have are dealing with people and shyness it can feel too much when you are tired.  Fully rested and you are more able to cope.

Recently I have been what I would describe as crazy-busy.  It is slowing now but I still find it hard to get enough sleep since I am often tempted to try and just do one more thing before bed.  The problem is once I’m tired I find everything much harder to do and cope with.  Simply stopping and going to bed a little earlier means I can function much more effectively the next day – which of course means I actually get more down.  But for some reason I still like to try and convince myself to do that extra thing before bed, or watch a DVD!  Sometimes a little reminder about how enough sleep can help you deal with things a little easier is the motivation I need to get to bed.

How much sleep?

Time magazine recently published an article claiming that anywhere between 6.5 - 7.5 hours of sleep each night is optimal.   This, of course, is a rough guide as each person and each day is slightly different and accordingly our sleep needs vary.

Posted in Tips and Tricks | 3 Comments »

Have you ever heard advice like “oh just don’t worry and get out there” or “don’t be shy, just chat with people”?   This advice use to bother me and leave me wondering what was wrong with me.  Why couldn’t I just ‘get out there’?  Advice like this can be common, so what do you do when people advise you to stop being shy?

The key to dealing with advice like this is to simply acknowledge that this person, however good their intentions, does not fully understand your situation.    Given this, they can only offer advice from their own perspective.   For them it is that easy, you just get up and go talk to someone.   But from my point of view that was not an easy thing to do.   If it was that easy I would already be doing it.  
Another way to think about it is ask ‘what if a person came to you and asked how to be more quiet and listen more than you talk?’  Well I don’t have that problem, it comes naturally.  There are no steps I have to take, I just do it.  So how would you answer?  Just listen more?  Stop talking as much?   It doesn’t mean anything is wrong with them, only that it’s different.

*Keep in mind that some people have overcome shyness and they may be able to help.  Likewise a trained professional maybe able to help as their training developed the skills and knowledge to understand different people.  But of course, these people are unlikely to just say “just stop being shy” without helping you/giving you ideas on how to actually do this.

Posted in Tips and Tricks | 3 Comments »

One of the first steps in my quest to overcome shyness was to ring up a store and ask what time they closed.  When this was easy I rang and asked if they stocked a certain product followed by a query.   It didn’t take me long to then move on to face-to-face social challenges.  The thing that puzzled me is why I still had a strong dislike for phones.  When mobile phones became common I resisted as long as possible before finally giving in and buying one.  Even then I didn’t really use it, other than texting. 

I hate the phone ringing for three reasons.

1. It interrupts me.   If I am in the middle of doing something important, I dislike the interruption even more.  Once I am in the right flow of work I can get a lot done, interrupt that and it can take me long time to get that flow back.

2. It means I have to be quick thinking.  Often people ring to ask something.   This can be stressful, especially at work.  I hate answering questions without having time to get all the information and think about it.

3. After each call I need some time to regroup.  The social aspect of the phone drains my energy and I need time to get this energy back. (except calls from close family and friends.)

I honestly thought it was only me that had this aversion to phone calls, but research shows that many introverts feel the same way.  Introverts by nature don’t like interruptions.  This is a giant relief to know that at least I’m not alone.

How I deal with this.

1. Understanding that I felt this way was the first step.  Being able to say, hey I don’t like getting phone calls and feel okay with it, was very refreshing.

2. I had to find a way that people could contact me, and have it a method I would feel comfortable with.  So I now ask people to contact me via email.  If they ask for my phone number I give both my number and my email address and tell them that I check email more often than my phone.

3. Yes, I still have a mobile phone, but I no longer let it interrupt me.  I always felt funny turning the phone off, so instead I turn the ringer to silent and put it on the side table.  This way it only takes a glance at the phone to check to see if there are any messages.

4. When I do find myself returning calls, I do so at a time that suites me.  

5. When I am caught (usually at work) and get a phone call I often ask the person if it is ok to ring them back in 10 minutes with the answer.  I find this much easier (and less pressure) that trying to find the answer for them while they are on the one end of the phone.

I wanted to share this because for so long I thought it was me, some character fault.    But I was wrong, it was my introvert nature.  It was nothing wrong with me, just the way I am.  Understanding this really allowed me to accept it and find ways to deal with it.    So if you have a dislike for phone calls it may just be your introvert nature.  If this is the case some of the tips above might help.

Posted in Introvert vs Shyness, My Shyness, Tips and Tricks | 3 Comments »

As you strive to reduce shyness it is important to extend your comfort zone.  This means you will need to venture out and socialize with others.  But what if you have no social event to attend?

Usually when people talk of social events they mean parties, networking events, dinner parties, going out to dinner, work parties, concerts, charity events…  But when I first started making an effort to overcome my shyness I looked at just going to work as a social event.  I used morning tea as a chance to observe how my co-workers interacted.  Once this was comfortable I started to join in the conversation.  To start with my contribution was nothing more than a few words, but soon I would ask questions and express my opinion.  For several months this was all I could cope with. 

 When chatting during morning tea felt much easier I decided to try the same at the gym.  I first said hello to some of the other regulars, then I would make small talk.   Again, going to the gym and work during the week was plenty of socializing for me.  So I spent the weekends on my own or with very close family or friends.   Then one day I was invited to a party by one of the girls at the gym.  After a fair bit of anxiety I decided to attend and surprised myself by having a great time.   After that a couple of us would go out every other Friday night.   Being an introvert, this was plenty for me. 

So if you are reading this and thinking you don’t have any social events, look at where you currently interact with others.  School, work, going to the gym are all socializing opportunities.  These are the perfect place to start because you are already going there.  It doesn’t take much to become a more social person.  Smile, make eye contact and say hello and as this gets easier look for the next step. 

Posted in Tips and Tricks | 2 Comments »

Years ago I was with a small group attending the filming of a TV show.  During a break, the floor manager came over and said if we wanted we could go and say hi to whoever we wanted.   This was such a surprise and good fortune, yet I didn’t take it.  I felt like an idiot and sat there even though I wanted nothing more than to go say hello.  The break ended and shooting started again.  It didn’t take long before I was thinking ‘why didn’t I go over and say’Hi’.  I knew the answer of course: fear.  Fear of being rejected or of looking stupid in front of someone I admired.

But don’t worry, this story has a happy ending (sort of) It is because of that one regret and missed chance that I have taken action since.  If hadn’t been for that one lost opportunity I wouldn’t have been so determined not to miss the next one.    If it hadn’t been for that one lost opportunity I would not have fully understood just how much regrets suck.    It was from that one event that I decided that I didn’t want any more regrets.   

The chance to meet that particular person has not happened again (yet), but I have said hello to a couple other celebrities I like.  Even though I was very nervous, as I approached them I was not focusing on the shyness.  The driving force had changed to knowing I had to do this or I would regret it. But it is not only these opportunites that I have taken, other situations where I know I will regret not doing something, I know take action.  It doesn’t always work out perfectly, but I know it is better than having that nagging regret.

If you don’t ask out that guy/girl you like and then they graduate/change job/move and you don’t see them again, don’t dwell too long, instead use it to motivate you to take action next time.    Next time ask them out.  I promise you that you will regret not asking considerably more than if you ask and get a ‘no’.

Posted in My Shyness, Tips and Tricks | 4 Comments »

I love this tip for overcoming shyness for two reasons:

   1. It gives you conversation topics. 
   2. It is much easier to talk about things you love.

In most work places and schools/collages people gather the morning after to talk about their favorite TV shows.    It is therefore a matter of finding people that like the same shows as you and/or watching shows others discuss.  Now, I’m not suggesting watching a show you hate just to have something to talk about.  But if you notice people at work or school talking about a particular show, check it out. 

In my third job, I became good friends with two of the women because we all loved the show ‘Survivor’, each morning after the show we would share our thoughts and feelings on who left, who we liked, who we hated etc.   It may seem trivial to talk about a TV show, but this was a show I watched religiously, I loved it and felt confident and comfortable talking about it.  This, of course, lead to a greater comfort when talking to the other women about other subjects and soon our bond over survivor developed into a wonderful friendship.

Finding little conversation topics like this can be extremely helpful in overcoming your shyness.   And remember it is these little conversation topics that lead to the bigger ones. 

Posted in Overcoming Shyness, Tips and Tricks | 3 Comments »

Even though you know you shouldn’t make social comparisons you probably still do.  But how fair is this on you, and your efforts to feel more comfortable in social situations.   If you still find yourself making social comparisons here are a few things to consider:

1. It’s not necessarily the comparison that should stop - only the unrealistic ones.  Do you seek out the most popular and charismatic person in the room and then compare yourself to them.  Or do you see a person on TV, talking about their latest movie and wish that you could talk with such ease and confidence?  This is hardly a fair comparison.
If you are going to compare yourself to others, at least make it a fair comparison.

2. Confident people are made, not born.   People are not born confident with the ability to talk comfortably with everyone; they learn and develop these skills.   Also remember that some people get help with what to say, and rehearse over and over to get it sounding just right.

3. Learn from these people.  Don’t compare yourself to the most socially confident people, instead watch how they act, what do they do, how do they stand, and what do they do when they are listening?  Observations like this can show you what skills to develop for yourself.

4. You can learn these skills too.   Practice looking people in the eye when you talk with them, stand tall and keep an open body posture.  Start doing this and practice, practice, practice until it becomes natural.

So if you are going to make social comparisons make them realistic.  Don’t compare yourself with someone who has a team of people behind them helping them know, how and what to say.  Don’t compare yourself with the person that has been practicing conversation skills for 20 years.   And even better establish what skills you need to develop so you too can become socially confident.

Posted in Tips and Tricks | 3 Comments »

We must remember that people with seemly perfect lives have problems too.

It’s important to remember this, especially if you compare yourself with other people.  You can’t make a fair comparison between your life, which you know every single issue, to that of someone where you only know the image they portray.  

Heath ledger certainly seemed to have a great life, his movie career was going from strength to strength and a string of beautiful women were connected to him.   Sure it sounds obvious but it can be easy to assume that celebrities have no problems, we often only see the glamour, their 3.5 million dollar houses etc.  But behind all of that you just don’t know. 

I’m not here to debate whether heaths death was suicide or accidental.  But reports suggest he was taking prescription sleeping pills and anti-anxiety medication, which shows that were things in his life he was having trouble coping with.   My thoughts are with his close friends and family and also his fans.  RIP Heath.

Posted in Tips and Tricks | 2 Comments »

Conversations don’t usually start with deep and meaningful questions, nor are they, in reality the exchange of witty banter we are amused by on some television shows.  But in fact, most conversations and so-called small talk are nothing special or interesting, it’s just people talking. 

Recently I read of a person who was planning to write a screenplay.  To have realistic dialogue they recorded their workmates during the lunch break for a few days.  However when listening back they soon realized that this banter which was so entertaining, enjoyable and funny, was in fact very repetitive and at times boring.  Complaints about management were the same and the funny jokes were ones when “you had to be there”.

After reading this I made special note of all conversations, and while it has only been 10 days, I have noticed that if I was recording my conversations, I would have a similar result.  Over the last few days many conversations have centered around the passing of Sir Edmund Hillary and his upcoming funeral.  Along with many complaints of the weather; currently it is far too hot.  

If you were to record your small talk conversations, would also notice the repetition of topics? 

The key here is to remember that you don’t need to search for that perfect ‘one’ thing to say.   People talk about day-to-day stuff, news of interest and even the weather.   This is good news if you currently get stuck because you don’t know what to say.  A friendly smile and a sincere “how are you” is a great starting point.   Make a comment on recent news or weather and/or ask them their views and the conversation is flowing.   As you get to know the person, more conversation topics will naturally develop and the conversations will become more comfortable.

Starting conversations and engaging in small talk with strangers can seem daunting when you experience shyness or social anxiety.  But the best thing to remember is that you don’t need to find that perfect thing to say.  Start with the basics to help grow your conversational confidence.

Posted in Conversation Starters, Tips and Tricks | 2 Comments »