If you want to improve your social skills, extend your comfort zone and ultimately overcome your shyness you are going to need to take action and meet new people.  The easiest way to do this is …

Find others who share you passion.

This has many advantages:

  1.  Conversation topics.  
You automatically have many conversation topics because everyone shares the same passion as you.   If you are like me and knowing what to say is sometimes a challenge having ready-made topics is a blessing.  Especially initially when you are still unsure about the situation. 

  2.  Strong knowledge, Strong confidence.  
Because this is a topic you are passionate about, there is no doubt that you will have a good knowledge in this area.   This can be very helpful in giving you the confidence you need to talk and share information with others.

  3.  Gets you talking. 
One thing I have noticed is that shy people, myself included, can become quite talkative when they are speaking on a topic they are very passionate about.    

  4. Common ground with others.  
Because everyone in the group shares the same passion or interest there is already a common ground.  This means there is a high chance you will have other things in common.  This is important for developing friendships

  5. You can share your passion. 
It is always fun to share your passion with other people who share your excitement.  

  
 So where can you find these groups?

You can look around your community for ideas of what groups exisit and which group would suite you best.  Here are some ideas;  - Sign up for a evening class.
- Volunteering your time for a charity you support.
- Join a community group.  This can range from signing up to play or coach a sports team, to joining a book group, to joining a fan  
- If you are a parent, or about to be; join a parents group.  These groups introduce you to others who are going throught he same experience as you.  Not only can you exchange tips and moral support, but you can develop some great friends. 
- Join a gym.

So if you are serious about overcoming shyness and getting rid of your social anixety you will need to take action and expand your confort zone.  The best way to do this is find a social group that shares your passions.  So have a look around your community or even search online to see what groups are available in your area.

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Here is great tip for overcoming shyness that was sent in by a reader.  They didn’t want to be named, but reported that they use this tip on a daily basis and it works well.  

The Tip.

Plan some conversation topics before you leave the house each morning.  Watch/listen or read the morning news to stay up-to-date with news and current affairs.   Think about some topic that you can use later in the day to start conversation.   This has several benefits:

1. 1.  Knowing the news and current affairs means you are able to contribute to conversations.
2. 2. You have conversation topics ideas.  After reading the news take notes of several topics that you could ask co-workers if they heard or what they think.
3. 3. You keep informed with what is going on in the world.

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Shy people are very smart. They can develop a whole system around their shyness and by finding ways to avoid situations that cause anxiety, and if that doesn’t work then finding ways to feel as safe as possible.

If reducing your social anxiety is something you really want to achieve then you need to stop avoiding social situations.

How?
First you need to understand how you avoid the situations.
   > Do you get someone else to do it for you?
   > Do you make an excuse?
   > Do you put up with a great inconvenience?

Then you need to know what you do to keep safe in social situations.
   > Saying very little.
   > Looking away.
   > Pretending to be busy.
   > Actually being busy, but only for the purpose to avoid people.
   > Standing or sitting to the side.

Next ask yourself what would like to do but avoid because of your shyness. Once you have established the end goal – work out some manageable steps to help you achieve it.   When you are first faced with this as a solution to reducing shyness or social anxiety it can feel overwhelming.  But don’t panic, this isn’t sink or swim.  Rather it is remove the safety net and replace it with steps that teach you to swim on your own. 

My greatest success in reducing shyness and anxiety has come from taking note of what I do in social situations that help me feel safe.  I can then taking step to minimise or remove these actions.

When faced with a social situation I found safety in keeping busy.   When attending parties I would always make myself busy in the kitchen, helping to prepare the food, get more supplies and help clean up.  This meant conversations were typically short and centered on preparation.   I rarely had to introduce myself to new people or join in long conversation.  But I wasn’t having that much fun.

 To overcome this I took the following steps:
   1. When arriving at the party stay with my friends. (don’t disappear to the kitchen)
   2. Stay with friend as they talk with others.
   3. Focus on the conversation, not ways to help (and therefore escape)
   4. Contribute to conversation with friends and others.
   5. Final Goal: Join conversations by myself and contribute.

This process took several months.  Once I stopped myself from being busy and focused on people and conversations - I got use to the situation and soon felt comfortable.   Taking away my safety net meant I had to learn to adapt, I did and felt much happier.

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Here is another great tip to help overcome shyness.  When you are in a situation where your shyness is stopping you from taking action (for example asking someone out).  Ask yourself;

“Will I regret not doing this?” 

 YES - Then do it!  It is far better to take the chance.  If it doesn’t work out as you planned, remember that it soon will be a distant memory or forgotten.  The positive thing is that you will have no regrets and can move on. 

NO - If you are not going to have regrets then there is no pressure.  However, keep in mind that each experience that pushes you out of your comfort zone wil help you overcome shyness.  

This is what I do when faced with situations and start to feel shy.  When I realise I will regret not taking action, I push myself.  And remember sometimes taking that risk does pay off

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Here is a great tip to help you overcome shyness (and you get fit at the same time, how’s that for a bonus).   We all know the many health benefits that exercise brings but exercise also has benefits for the mind such as:

1. 1. Reduces Stress.
2. 2. Helps clear you mind. 
3. 3. Helps  give you a more positive outlook.
4. 4. Increased confidence. 
5. 5. Success breeds success.  (exercise success can spill over to other elements of your life)
6. 6. Helps you sleep better.
7. 7. Gives you many opportunities to meet new people. (and gives you common ground to start a conversation) 

It doesn’t matter which type of exercise you choose.  Just the act of getting up and exercising gives you the feeling of accomplishment.  This really contributes to a feeling of ‘I did it’  and from this you get an increased in confidence.  And all this from some exercise! 

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If you find yourself wishing you were more outgoing like your friend, then stop and ask yourself -  is this  helping you overcome your shyness?   Chances are it does not reduce your shyness nor help you feel more comfortable in social settings.  In fact there is a good change that it makes your shyness increase as you think ‘I could never do that’ or ‘ why can’t I be more outgoing’.  If these comparisons  don’t help, change them. 

Don’t compare, get tips.

Instead of wishing you were more outgoing, observe how outgoing people act.  What is their body posture and eye contact like? How do they move?  Taking away these tips is much better, because this gives you something to work on (not dwell on).

Remember  everyone has insecurities.

Even those that appear very confident have insecurites.  And because people don’t broadcast their insecurities, you can easily forget that they have them.  Don’t compare yourself (with insecurities) to someone’s social confident behaviour.  Consider the fact that even thought they appear confident, that might not be the case.

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Overcoming shyness is not an easy thing to do. It takes considerable amount of courage to challenge your current thinking and habits, and then to take steps to change them for the better. Take some time to treat yourself. It doesn’t need to cost a lot, or be a big deal. But make sure you take time to to pat yourself on the back, and acknowledge the great progress you are making. You know the end goal is worth it, but each step to take towards this goal is an achievement in itself.

A working example: Ok this one is easy (and short). I usually find myself a new song off iTunes after starting a new step, or when I attend a work function that I’d rather not.

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Music is a great tool to help overcome shyness, because it can be used change your mood.  It can relax you or make you want to get up and dance!   So depending on what social situations you are attending, music to help you prepare. 

Music can pump you up.   This is perfect if you are going to a party or for a night on the town.  If you are feeling anxious about unfamiliar settings and meeting new people, finding a few songs that can pump you up, can make all the difference.  Listening to these songs as you get ready and you find yourself saying “let’s go have fun!”  It’s definitely a great way to start the evening.  

Music can relax you.  Music can also be very relaxing.  If you have a work meeting after lunch that is causing anxiety, listen to some music during lunch.  A short walk listening to your relaxing music can be very successful in relaxing you (with a bonus of taking your mind off things for a while.)

If you don’t already have some song then you need to get some.  emusic have a great special where you can get 25 FREE Music Downloads for your iPod® or any MP3 player!
     

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As you work to overcome your shyness there will be times when you will need to push yourself to take action.  When you first start, you may decide that your first step will be small talk with co-workers.  Feeling shy the first time is most likely.  So you will need to push yourself - planning the opening remark in your head and taking a deep breath should be enough to push you through.   Once you get going and feel the success the next time won’t be so scary, soon it will not cause any apprehension, and then it will be no big deal.    Whether this step takes 10 days, or 30 days does not matter, it is far more important that proceeding at your own pace.  
 

Don’t force yourself.

Be careful that you don’t force yourself.  If the step forward is too big, or you have tried to move ahead too soon you can find yourself panicking and it can take some time to re-group and get back on track. 

This is best explained with an example, so I will use one from my own experience;   I had wanted to feel comfortable talking with my co-workers, so I started with small talk, then small conversations, and then I felt ready to join my co-workers at a bar after work with every intention to join in the conversations.  Once there, I started to panic and I wanted to leave.  I hadn’t considered that a change in location would also mean a change in conversation topics.   I took a few deep breaths to relax. I then realised that this step was too much for me right now.  But I also knew that if I was to force myself I would not be back next week and that it would take a long time before I was ready to give it another go.  So instead I added another step – feel comfortable in the new location.  So I did just that, and the following week I went again and feeling more comfortable was able to add a few comment.   Note that I didn’t run,  that I did have to push myself to stay, but I didn’t force myself to talk. 

If you find yourself with a similar feeling towards a new step, consider adding a new intermediate step.  Remember to move at your own pace and you will feel much more relaxed and comfortable with each new social setting. 

What to do when you just don’t want to practice.

Ask yourself why you don’t want to, is it fear based or a genuine need to be alone.  If your reasons are fear, then re-evaluate where you are, what step are you currently working on?  Have you moved to fast?  If your reasons are a genuine need to be by yourself, then take some time to do that.  Just make sure that you aren’t taking time off each day.         

Every now and then I don’t feel up to joining my co-workers.  So I go home and relax.  This is fine and I have found that I do join them more often than not.     

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When you find your shyness coming out, and you start to feel anxious you can get trapped in a mind –body –mind –body spiral.  Once your mind starts racing, your heart starts to race, your hands feel sweaty then your mind races more and on it goes.  If you find yourself in this situation you are most likely to find it easier to control the body, rather than the mind.

Relaxing the body. 

This site has a video that takes you through the steps of deep breathing.  Here and here are a few more site that have information on relaxing, in a more general sense.

Relaxing the mind.

While relaxing the body is often easier, have a simple phrase such as “I’m okay” that you can repeat to yourself, in case the positive thoughts are taken over by negative.   Step 5 talks about stopping any negative self talk, and this is a very important step, but keep in mind if your thoughts have been negative for 5, 10 or 20 years, it will take some time to adjust to your new positive thoughts.  And it is often in moments where you find your shyness coming out the most that all your good intentions of positive thoughts go out the window.   So  have a back-up plan, while you continue to work on those positive thoughts.

A working example:

Deep even breathing is what works best for me.  Try this now, and if you notice that your shoulders rise and fall then you need to practice so it isn’t noticeable, but that you still get the same calm feeling.   When I have an event coming up, I take time to relax at home first.  A nice cup of tea and some music, or listening to a podcast always helps.  These ideas work well for me, and I have had success using them.  Of course everyone being different means they might not be best for you, so I suggest trying a number of ideas to see what works and what doesn’t.

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