In high school I was incredibly shy, the thought of being called on in class and having to answer a question filled me with panic.  With the exception of giving speeches, I did not talk in class. 

So how did I go from this, to starting a debate in class?  Well, after high school I went on to college and after several semesters I decided full time study was not for me and chose to worked part time while studying only part time.  After a few years of working I was taking a paper that involved some theory similar to what I was doing at work.  The tutor was saying one thing that I knew was wrong, so in a class of about 30 others I questioned her.  She stuck by her notes and I argued my point.  It’s not so much that I started a debate where before I was scared to speak.  But that I did so with no anxiety or nervousness. 

So how did this happen, what caused the change? 

The  key was that I expanded my comfort zone.  And I did this by getting a job.   The simple fact of getting a job and stepping outside my comfort zone was the main reason my shyness reduced.   Expanding my comfort zone resulted in my confidence being increased.  Part of this is due simply to having more life experience.  But mostly it was because the job meant I was now interacting with different people, clients and co-workers in many different situations.  To be honest this was quite scary initially, but that soon went away (and quicker that I had expected).

 Before the job I would have been scared to go and ask a stranger a question now it was no big deal.   Asking clients for the required information soon became just another task.   So when I was taking a required paper, and the tutor starts teaching something I knew was wrong, I felt very confident in speaking up. 

Your shyness.

So when are looking at your own shyness and wondering how to start to overcome one of the best pieces of advice I can give is to find something that you are passionate about and use that as a reason to interact with others.  A job is one of many options. What about joining a sports team, a community theatre group, or volunteer for a cause you feel passionate about.  Each can lead you to expand your comfort zone and reduce shyness in your life.

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In the overcoming shyness series I discuss how extending your comfort zone is the key to overcoming shyness.   Comfort challenges is a perfect way to achieve this.   I stumbled across this idea in the book I just started reading;  The 4-Hour Workweek.   The book’s blub talks about how to escape 9-5, working less and living more so finding ideas that could translate to help overcome shyness was a nice surprise.

The comfort challenge is a wonderful idea that I am going to pick up and expand on for overcoming shyness.  The first comfort challenge in the book is to look people in the eye.  When you talk with others, or when you pass people in the street – look them in the eye until they break eye contact.  It’s not a staring contest so remember to blink. 

Looking people in the eye while listening is fine, but I know that when I talk I often look away.  So this will be the main challenge for me.   I will report back in several days on what happened.

Tim Ferris has a website and blog here, take a look.  Tim has loads of great ideas that can help your everyday life. 

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At the time I never understood why, but when I was in high school I was great at speeches.   In a couple of classes we had to give a speech, sometimes the topics were given other times we were free to choose.  But either way I would do a great job.    Now you have to realise that I was at my shyest during high school.  I never spoke in class unless directly ask, and even then I would mumble something and hope they would give up and ask someone else.  But still, speeches were fine.
So even though I was incredibly shy, how come speeches were no problem?

1. I felt comfortable early.

A lot of my confidence was thanks to a teacher I had when I was 10 years old who made my class give several speeches that year.  I guess because at that point all the kids were friends and clichés had not yet been formed, giving a speech was ok, no big deal.  So later, at high school when I had to give a speech it was fine.  I didn’t panic like I did when called on in class.  Giving a speech was associated with feeling of comfort and a sense of ease.

2. I knew exactly what I was going to say.

We were required to write a speech and use note cards when giving it.  So this is what I did, after writing it out then transferring to note form and a few practices later, I had basically memorised the whole speech.  I knew exactly what I was going to say.  Unlike being called on in class, that was a panic situation because I never knew what to say.

3. Everyone was doing it.

This is best explained by the statement – safety in numbers.  Because everyone else was required to give a speech we were all in the same situation.  I was not alone, or being singled out. 

Well that’s great for me, but what about you? 

It might not be a school speech that you need to give.  Maybe it is a presentation at work, or something similar.  Either way, you can take the key tricks that helped me and use them to your advantage.

1. Work towards feeling comfortable.

If speeches or presentations fill you with fear, the best thing you can do is start to change the feeling of fear to one of comfort.  And the best way to do that is to practice in a safe environment.  As you give presentations in a relaxed and secure setting your confidence will increase and soon giving a presentation or speech will be associated with feelings of comfort. 

2. Plan.

You don’t need to go as far as I did and memorise the presentation.  But know what you are going to say, write a few notes if you need to.  Planning what you are going to say takes away a lot of the uncertainly and can do wonders for helping you feel more relaxed.

3. Be a team member.

Giving a work presentation is a lot like a school speech because people understand that it’s not an easy thing to do, so are on your side wanting you to succeed.   Work presentations where several people take turns presenting mean you are working as a team.  The focus is not on you as a single person, but on the team. 

Posted in My Shyness, Overcoming Shyness | 4 Comments »

Shyness can cause the ‘I don’t know what to say’ problem.  Where you are in a situation where you want to talk with the other person but don’t know what to say.  Either you have a total blank and no clue about what to talk about or you think they will think you are stupid so you say nothing and this awkward pause develops.

One idea to try is just to say what you think.   I have found that sometimes shyness will stop you from saying the small things because you are looking for that perfect thing to say.  Stop looking for it, there is no perfect thing to say, just say what you think. 

 Working example. 

This past week I had a conversation with a neighbour, an older women who I often saw out walking her dogs.   But this time, instead of saying nothing, I commented on how beautiful her two dogs were.   She stopped and smiled and told me the dogs names and we chatted for about 10 minutes.  If I waited to think of the perfect thing to say, I may never had said anything. 

Overcoming shyness is best achieved by taking baby steps and small conversations like this can be wonderful for increasing your confidence.  Just keep in mind that some people won’t be interested in stopping for a chat and this can be due to a number of reason that have nothing to do with you. 

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What do overcoming shyness and increasing the number of push-ups you can do have in common?  Well quite a lot it turns out.

1. You have to be the one to do it.

If you want overcome shyness and improve your people skills you have to be the one to do it.    You have to be the one to do the work. You can’t get a friend to do it for you and you can’t hire someone or outsource it.  You and only you can improve the current situation. 

2. You actually have to do something.

Action must be taken in order to make improvements.  Reading up on tips and techniques is fine and can help motivate you, but you must take action.  Reading about proper push-up technique is fine, but unless you are down on the floor practicing those push-ups you will never improve.  Likewise when your goal is to reduce your shyness, reading up on tips, tricks and advice is fine, but it is more important that you get out there and interact with people in different situations because it is this action that will contribute the most to your success in overcoming shyness.

3. It doesn’t matter where you start from only that you do something.

So what if you can only do 2 push ups now.  If you are down on the floor practicing each day very soon you will be doing 10 then 20 and pretty soon you will be doing 40 a day.  The key is not to focus on where you start from but where you are going. 
 

4. Small chances can have big impact.

Spend 5 small minutes a day doing push up will see you go from doing 2 to 10 in a week then 20 the next week.  Likewise taking small action to overcome shyness can easily have a big impact on your overall confidence and comfort in social situations. 

5. Everyone starts at the beginning.

When you see someone do 100 push-ups with ease it is easy to forget that they work hard to get there and at some point they were only doing 10.  Remember that they had to work hard and practice regularly.   So don’t get discouraged when you see someone at who with seemingly little effort gets along well with everyone.  They had to learn social skills too.  Practice and practice some more and soon you will feel comfortable and confident in social situations too.

6. It can be hard.

People don’t like to hear that something can be hard.  Most people like the easy way, but when it comes to some things, such as overcoming shyness, it can be hard at times.  Acknowledge that it can be hard and take pride in your improvements.  If overcoming shyness is something that you desire then you will know that even if it’s hard - it is always worth it.

7. It can be done.

Overcoming shyness is a perfectly realistic goal.   So is increasing the number of push-ups you can comfortably do.  Both take time and practice – but can be achieved.  Sometimes it can be hard to vision yourself without your shyness impacting your life.  In these moments do your best to remember that you can overcome shyness.  It can be done. 
 

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When you are dealing with, and working towards overcoming shyness it is important to watch your thoughts.  Think about an up-coming social event, ask yourself - have you already decided if you are going to enjoy yourself.  It’s true that we often decide if we are going to enjoy a  social situation before we experience it.   If you think you will have an awful time, then you will find and focus on  all those little things that make the evening suck.  And of course it is then no surprise that you will have a terrible time.

Don’t let your expectations ruin the event.

I have been guilty of this many times, and chances are you have too. Your expectations based on experience with past events that are similar in nature, coupled with what we think about the other people attending all help us decide whether we will have fun. Being aware that you judge an event before attending it is the first step because often we do this without realising.

Decide to have a good time.

One way is to keep an open mind. Look for the good and bad, see how you feel then make a decision. But even better is to decide that you will have a good time. Just like you decide you are going to have an awful time, decide that you will have a good time.

Don’t think about it, just do it.

Once you have decided to have a good time; that is enough. At the social event don’t over think it. Do something, join a conversation, introduce yourself to someone etc. Take action and take your mind off whether you are having a good time. You will surprise yourself later by realising that you did have a good time.

This really can work, decide you will have a good time and then do just that. Remember it is critical that you don’t over analysis it, just do it.

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I’m sure you have heard this advice before – “fake it to make it”.  But how do you actually fake it and does it help you overcome shyness and be more social.

How to fake it.

The idea is that you pretend to be the confident, chatty person you want to be and soon enough you will be this person.   It is suggested to picture how you would act if you were outgoing and chatty, what would you do and say, how would you act.  If you are unsure or can’t picture yourself like this, think of a friend who is.  Think how they talk and interact with others.

What it gets right.

The thing I like about this advice is that it means you actually get out there and do something, talk to some people, interact.  All this practice is what really helps.  The more you interact with people in a variety of situations the more it becomes normal, and well… easy to do. 

What it gets wrong.

‘Fake it to make it’ doesn’t work as a complete method to overcome shyness because it’s not you.   If you head into a party trying to be someone you’re not there is a high chance you will be found out. And if this doesn’t happen, people might think this is who you are.   

Secondly, trying to act like your extrovert, outgoing, chatty, friend when you are a quiet person who takes time to get to know people is a humongous leap, not a small step.  No wonder it’s hard to keep up. 

Ok, yes I tried this….

I was invited to a party where I would know about 2 people but most others there worked together.   While getting ready I decided to fake it, I thought of someone I knew and thought about how they would act in this situation, what would they say and do.  On arriving at the party I was introduced to a group of people and gave a hearty greeting and introduced myself.  But I was soon standing there wondering what to say.   I actually found it harder, because there was an image to live up to, and since it wasn’t my image – it was impossible to meet.  The people must have wondered what happened, an enthusiastic greeting, introduction, and ‘how are you’ – then nothing.   Afterwards I decided that I would have been better off planning some questions to ask and conversation topics.

Take action,meet new people, and attend social events but instead of trying to be someone else, try taking small steps to be a better you. 

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One of the biggest challenges I’ve faced while working to overcome shyness is that I am shy and an introvert.  So I need time alone each day to regroup and reflect.  But my goal to overcome shyness requires that I talk and interact with other people.  It is a balancing act.  I need to give myself the time alone, but without using it as an excuse to avoid interacting with others. 

There are 6 things that I have found the most helpful to overcoming shyness while remaining true to my introvert personality.

1. Plan some time alone.

When I have a work function or am attending a party where I won’t know most of the people.  I plan time alone after the event, even if it’s just Sunday morning reading the paper with a coffee.  I always find knowing that I have this time helps.  When I don’t have this planned I try and find it during the event.  

2. Have lunch alone.

After working from 8-1pm dealing with co-workers and clients I really need and appreciate leaving the office for lunch.  Just taking that time away from every one helped me regroup, relax and gain some energy to get through to 5pm.   On the odd day that I had lunch with everyone (usually due to thunderstorms) I felt so tired and drained from about 3pm and it was a real struggle to get to 5pm.

3. Turn the phone off.

 I don’t like being interrupted.  And I especially don’t like being interrupted when I am having alone time.  So the easiest way to do this is simply turn the phone off.  People can still leave a message, and I do check my phone often to return any calls.  But this way I don’t get interrupted.   For a long time I thought it was just me, but after researching character traits of introverts I discovered that introverts don’t like interruptions. 

4. Spread out large events.

For me this basically meant that I would only go out once per weekend.   That is, going out to work events, or  parties.   Sometimes events are planned that you are expected/need to attend.  When this happens I avoid agreeing to attend other social outings that weekend.    Going to the movies, the gym, shopping etc. are separate and mentioned in points 5 and 6.

5. Go to the gym.

I use to love going to the gym, I made some really good friends there.  We use to chat before and after classes but in between chatting we would exercise.  So it was like chat for 15 minutes, exercise for 6, chat for 1, exercise 5, chat 1, exercise 5 and so on until the end of class where we would chat again.  I found this suited both my aim to overcome shyness and my introvert nature of liking time alone.  It was the best of both worlds.  

6. Go shopping.

 Similar idea to the gym.  Walking around even with loads of other people about I am alone buy myself.  But can stop and talk with people when you feel like it

If you are an introvert and also desire to overcome shyness remember to acknowledge your introvert side and allow yourself to take the time you need.  The thing to remember is not use it as an excuse to avoid interacting with others

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In an attempt to upgrade this blog to wordpress version 2.3 I seem to have lost all my categories.  I’m not sure why or how, fingers crossed everything else seems to be working ok though.

While I try and fix this,  you can use the search function or have a look some of these top posts:

From the Overcoming shyness series.

Part 1: Start from Acceptance.  If you are shy you are shy.  Try not to focus on whether it’s good or bad.  It is what it is.

Part 2: Manageable steps are the key.  Take small steps that you can manage.  You need to push yourself enough so that you make a change, but not too much that you give up.

Part 3: Have patience and a plan.  Have a plan allows you to keep the big picture in mind, but focus on the day-to-day steps and successes.

Part 4: Stop negative talk.  Take notice of what your thoughts are saying, and take steps to chance any negative talk to positive.

Part 5: Practice in a safe environment. Taking action and loads of practice is how you will overcome shyness.  Practice as much as you can, and do so in a safe environment to help build confidence.

Part 6: Learn to relax. Practice relaxation techniques at home, that you can use when your shyness starts to come out.

Part 7: Proceed at your own pace.  As you work to overcome your shyness there will be times when you will need to push yourself to take action.  But always work at your own pace. 

Part 8: Reward yourself.  Take some time to treat yourself. It doesn’t need to cost a lot, or be a big deal. But make sure you take time to to pat yourself on the back, and acknowledge the great progress you are making.

Part 9: Stop comparisons. If you find yourself wishing you were more outgoing like your friend, then stop and ask yourself -  is this  helping you overcome your shyness?

Quick Tips.

1. 1. Delay your shyness
2. 2. Use music to overcome shyness
3. 3. Use exercise
4. 4. Will I regret not doing this?
5. 5. Plan conversation topics
6. 6. Find a really good book

Posted in Overcoming Shyness | 4 Comments »

Sometimes it can help to remember why you want to overcome shyness.   A gentle reminder of why it is worth persevering even when it’s hard.  I have two motivating factors that are substantially bigger than all the rest. They are:

1. 1. My children.
2. 2. My life purpose.

Both my motivating factors are interconnected since I consider raising my children as part of my life purpose.  But in the past knowing that I was working this shyness stuff out now, to prevent it rubbing off on my future children was very motivating.   Because I know how hard dealing with shyness can be, and equally how challenging it can be to overcome – I wanted to do what I could to prevent any of my kids from having to deal with it also.

Life purpose as a motivator.

I have encounter people who find the idea of a life purpose to be ‘wishy-washy’ and other who suggested that life is its own reward.   But for me the idea of a life purpose is very motivating.  Once I understood what my life purpose was, I started to work out the steps I would need to take.  One of the challenges has been that if I am shy, then fulfilling this purpose is very hard, if not impossible. 

If, like me, your life purpose requires social interaction, then clearly, overcoming shyness is important.  Keeping this in mind can be powerful motivator.  Am I going to let shyness stand in my way?!?   Not a chance!! 

Your reasons for wanting to overcome shyness don’t have to be quite as dramatic as that; simply wanting to feel more comfortable in social settings is a perfect reason and motivator.   The key is to know why you want to overcome shyness – let this be your driving factor, let it be the thought that helps you stay at that party for 20 extra minutes.  

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