1. A little distraction.

If you are anything like me you will sit there and go over events in your head, each time becoming more frustrated with yourself. Even though you know that this will not help, you can’t help thinking about what went wrong, or what you should have done.
So what can you do? You need to find something else to do, something simple that you enjoy but something that takes your thoughts off shyness.
Things that work for me include:

1. A walk while listening to a podcast. I find just walking, or just listening to music means my mind will wonder back to shyness frustrations. But a podcast that makes me think works well.

2. Hire a DVD – comedy works best.

3. Read. I usually have one book I am reading, getting a hot drink and reading for a hour or so is very relaxing and takes my mind off things.
All three get my mind thinking about something else and help calm and relax me.

TIP: Take time now to think of a few activities that would distract you, because trying to think of something when you are upset and frustrated and be hard and just add to your frustration.

2. A little understanding

Give yourself a break –just like you would anyone else. Think about it, how would you react to someone who was scared to go up and talk to a stranger, keeping in mind that they had very little practice and possibly some bad experience when it came to this. Would you expect them to just do it and magically feel comfortable and confident? I’m guessing not, you would give them a break and understand that trying new things is scary and it takes time to be comfortable. So to start with give yourself a break and stop any negative thoughts in your head.

3. A little reminder

Shyness is something you can reduce and overcome. This isn’t permanent, over time as you gain more experience and try different things your confidence will increase and then one day you will find yourself looking back at how shy you use to be.
To be honest this is doesn’t work as well when you are younger (teens/early 20’s) but as you gain some more experience and look back you can see how far you have come. So even if you still have a little to go, you know it is possible. For those younger shy people, I know it can be hard at times to see overcoming shyness is a real possibility – I remember thinking I would be the exception, that it would never happen for me – but it has, so all I do is say if I could do it, so can anyone.

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 One possible answer is that we are constantly being shown adverts for quick and easy fixes.  Need dinner now? Easy this will cook in 1 minute – need to lose 10 pounds?  Simple eat this or use this and so on and so on.  After a while it can appear that nearly everything has a simple, quick and easy solution.    But of course there are plenty of worthwhile things/skills that take time, patience and at time some discomfort to achieve. 

We can also get stuck thinking ‘if they can do it, why can’t I’.   Again this goes back to thinking it should be simple and so ignores the fact that the other person probably has practiced for years.   It also neglects to acknowledge that just because a person appears calm and confident does mean they feel this way on the inside.  The reality might be that they feel unsure and uncomfortable inside while being able to project calm and confidence on the outside – also a learnt skill.

Use this to your advantage.

Next time you think developing your social skills is too hard: 
1. Remind yourself that there is no quick fix – you have to experience new social settings and practice.  
2.  Those people that look at ease and full of confidence have already practiced and developed their social skills (or perhaps they aren’t as confident on the inside.)  Therefore, you are doing fine – you are taking positive steps to further develop your own social skills just as they already have or are currently doing.
3. Yes it will be tough and frustrating at times and you will have to push yourself a little. This is all part of learning a new skill.

To summarize, developing social skills and reduce shyness will be hard and frustrating at times.  This is normal and something we all experience.  The important thing is to keep going and not let it put you off.

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2. Understand the importance of small step.

One of the first things I did to overcome shyness was to ring stores and ask what time they closed.  I’m pretty sure there are people that read that and can’t believe that someone would have trouble doing something so simple.  But this is where I started, with this simple and small step.  

I have found that sometimes we try to ignore things we hard, especially if we feel it is something we should be able to do. Don’t let this delay you taking action.  Remember  that other people have insecurities but don’t go around telling people and it is that first small step that will lead to the next and the next and the next.   It is these small steps that will lead to success.  So it doesn’t matter how small that first step is; it is only important that you are taking these steps. 

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   1. It gives you conversation topics. 
   2. It is much easier to talk about things you love.

In most work places and schools/collages people gather the morning after to talk about their favorite TV shows.    It is therefore a matter of finding people that like the same shows as you and/or watching shows others discuss.  Now, I’m not suggesting watching a show you hate just to have something to talk about.  But if you notice people at work or school talking about a particular show, check it out. 

In my third job, I became good friends with two of the women because we all loved the show ‘Survivor’, each morning after the show we would share our thoughts and feelings on who left, who we liked, who we hated etc.   It may seem trivial to talk about a TV show, but this was a show I watched religiously, I loved it and felt confident and comfortable talking about it.  This, of course, lead to a greater comfort when talking to the other women about other subjects and soon our bond over survivor developed into a wonderful friendship.

Finding little conversation topics like this can be extremely helpful in overcoming your shyness.   And remember it is these little conversation topics that lead to the bigger ones. 

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Number one – Look people in the eye.
Number two – Learn to propose solutions or ideas.
Number three – Get phone numbers.

The main goal of all these comfort challenges is to feel more at ease doing something that before you may have felt anxious about.  Comfort challenge number 4 is no different.  The object here is to feel more comfortable saying no. 

So what do you do?

The challenge is to say no to everything that will not get you fired.   This comfort challenge was taken from Tim Ferris’s book “the four hour work week”.  Although this book is about working less and different ways to approach a work-life there are a number of comfort challenges that are perfect to help you overcome shyness.

Tips to help you say no.

1. Delay the answer.   If you say ‘yes’ to something and then later regret that decisions try delaying the answer.  This will give you some time to think it through, do you really want to, do you feel obligated?  To give yourself some time, try saying:
    a. ”Let me check my diary and I’ll get back to you later today”
    b. ”Let me check I’m free that morning and let you know tomorrow morning”
    c. ”I’m a bit busy at the moment, let me think about it and I’ll get back to you”

2. Give a brief reply.  If there is something that you don’t want to do, but aren’t busy should you lie?  I have found most success in giving a brief reply and if pressed for more details, to just say that I am busy.  Some examples of brief replies are:
    a. ” I won’t be able to attend, sorry”
    b. ”I’m sorry, but I can’t make it”

3. Why are you saying yes?  Before you let the word ‘yes” come out of your mouth, ask why you are saying yes.   If you are saying ‘yes’ for the wrong reasons then you need to challenge yourself to say ‘no’ instead.  Some possible wrong reasons include:
    a. Saying yes out of fear.  For example, fear that people won’t like you.
    b. Saying yes out of guilt. 
    c. Saying yes because of social pressure.  

4. What is your gut feeling?  Take a step back and listen to your gut instinct.  What is that you really want to do?  Usually you know you want to say ‘no,’ but feel obligated to say yes.  This is where practice is important, so you can say ‘no’ and be true to yourself.

5. Practice saying no.  This is the whole purpose of this comfort challenge, to practice saying ‘no’.   It does get easier with practice.
 

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Before you read the next comfort challenge make sure you have tried the first two as they ease you into the idea of challenging your comfort zone.   

This comfort challenge is to get phone numbers.

 Head down to the mall and ask strangers for their phone number.  Now before you talk yourself out of it, understand that the goal is not to actually get phone numbers, but to ask for them.   Once you have successfully ask for a bunch of phone numbers and start to feel more comfortable with it, the confidence you gain will flow over to other social interaction. 

This challenge is from Tim Ferris’s book ‘The Four Hour Work Week’ and he gives you an example on how to ask, suggesting that you say you are off to meet friends and in a hurry but wanted to ask for their number.  And to finish with “you can give me a fake number if you like”.  I like this, because it gives the other person a safe out, but you still achieve your goal.

My experience.

I’m not if this counts as cheating or not, but I chose to challenge my comfort zone on Christmas eve.  I did this for two reasons, first people were in good moods (mostly) and people were in a hurry (mostly) so I thought they would be more likely to not ask too many questions.

Even though I feel my shyness is at a much more capable level, this challenge scared me.  I am female so I think that might have been part of it.  My theory is that if I was a male, I probably would have more practice in asking for numbers.  Also, because I didn’t actually want the numbers, I didn’t want to give people the wrong impression.   Ok, all that aside, how did I do? 

Even though Tim Ferris recommends asking at least 3 people in the first 5 minutes to get over the discomfort, I spent about 15 minutes looking at DVD’s and books first.   Then I decided to just do it or go home.  The first person I asked said his wife wouldn’t like it, and the second who I asked straight away after said he had no pen or paper, so I said I had a good memory.  Afterwards, I realized this might be good, just in case he wonders why I didn’t call, he would assume I forgot it.  After that I felt too funny asking for numbers giving the impression that I would call, knowing full well I wouldn’t.  So I switched to asking if they would be willing to be interviewed for my website.     Within the next 20 minutes I had asked 5 more people. 

It did get easier especially when the focus changed to something I was more passionate about – this website.    I wouldn’t say I do it with no problems, but now that I’ve done it once and it worked out well, I do feel more comfortable about it.  I also got email/phone number from two people interested in sharing their shyness stories.  So we’ll see how that goes.

Overcoming shyness is all about extending your comfort zone.  Each time you do this you will experience some discomfort, but the trick is to make the discomfort enough that your comfort zone extends but not too much that you give up.  If this challenge seems too much right now, try the first or second comfort challenge or vary this one.  For example, ask people for the time or directions.

Good luck and let me know how you get on.
 

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So take a few moments to take notice and ask yourself the following:
1.  How comfortable and relaxed you feel.
2. Why do you feel this relaxed?
3. What is it that ‘works’ in this situation?

The idea is that if you are not shy or anxious in these situations, there is something about them that works.   It’s important for you to take a look at your own situation, as everyone is different.  But when I have asked these questions of myself my answers have been:
1. I feel comfortable.
2. I am not thinking about me, my focus is elsewhere.

Apply this knowledge to overcome shyness.

The question then becomes how can I take this and use it in other social situations.
Your reasons from step one might be different to mine, buy I will use mine as an example:

1. Feel comfortable.
The best way I have found to deal with this is to slowly extend the situations I feel comfortable in.  I do this by challenging my comfort zone and establishing an end goal and breaking it down into manageable steps. 

2. Focus elsewhere.
The best way I have found to deal with this is practice.  It helps when you are in a situation where you can talk with others about things you are passionate about.  Otherwise, find things to focus on and take a genuine interest in others and what they have to say. 

Taking a look at the social situations that you feel at easy and totally comfortable in, can give you great insight as to what is working for you.  Then take what works and apply it to other social situations. 

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So it is important that as you work to reduce your shyness you remember that other people aren’t perfect.  They too are stumbling their way through social situations.  In fact, usually when someone looks confident in a certain situation the reason is that they have experienced this type of situation many times before.  They have already had practice, and so may now muddle through, albeit on a different level.   Take action and try different social situations and you will soon be muddling through on a higher level too.

Gaining the most for social situations doesn’t have to mean that you have to be the life of the party.  You can have a good experience and fun time by talking with just a few people.  And then the next time you will feel a little more comfortable, so starting the conversations will be a little easier.  And each time after that, it will be a little easier and comfortable. 

Conclusion:
1. Remember that everyone is muddling through.  No-one knows the perfect answer to every situation.
2. You can still have a good time at whatever level you are on.   With each social experience you will feel a little more comfortable, so keep at it.

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Why goal setting is critical.

If you don’t know what your overall goal is, it makes getting there quite a challenge.   There are many many different social situations that exist.  Do you have the desire to feel comfortable in each and every one?  Or do you really just want to feel comfortable in the day-to-day social situations, such as talking with co-workers and feeling at ease when meeting new people.   

What sacrifice are you willing to make?

How much you are willing to sacrifice has a big impact on how realistic your goals are.  If you want to go from very shy to social butterfly then unless you are willing to make great sacrifice, your goals are not very realistic.  And as we know, unrealistic goals are doomed to fail. 

When you are overcoming shyness sacrifices generally boil down to feeling uncomfortable.  Putting yourself out there, taking action and placing yourself in new social situations.  The amount of time and energy you and discomfort you are willing to experience need to match the overall goal to make it do-able.

Age helps the goals.

It is critical to point out that experience comes with age.   There is no way to short cut this.  So some of the shyness you may experience now will fade as you natural age and experience more.  Speaking from personal experience I can say that there were things that bothered me in my teenage years that are a non-issue now.  

Well if age helps overcome shyness, why set goals?

You still need to set goals because age will only reduce some of your shyness.  Which means that you still need to take action. 

But generally as you age you naturally encounter different social settings.   Some of these activities will, of course, be uncomfortable at first, but the strong need to do them (such as contact agents to find a house or apartment) means you will have the motivation to take action and soon you will feel much more comfortable.  Some of this comfort will spill over into other areas of your social life, but you will still need to get out there and take action to feel totally at ease in those social situations.  Goal setting comes in here.  For example, you may wish to feel comfortable asking someone out, now some of your shyness maybe reduce due to age and experience, but unless you get out there, take action and some risks by asking people out, then you will never feel totally comfortable with doing this.
 

So as you work towards overcoming your shyness, take a moment to think about what you want the outcome to look like.  Having a overall goal can be a motivating factor in itself.  Remember that life experience will help you overcome shyness but you still need to take action.

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How to take action when you don’t know what to do?

Taking that first step is always the hardest, but once you get going it is much easier to keep going.  So the main challenge is taking that first step.  Being shy means there are often times when you are unsure what to do.  Taking action still applies in these situations.  If you don’t know what to do, think of two or three options.  I have found that usually there are several options running in my head, I just get stuck knowing what to choose so use to do none.   Once you have a few options, just pick one.  It doesn’t matter what one, it is far more important that you do something.   

Example:  You are at a party and most people are strangers.  Think of some options, you come up with the options: 

1. Go home. 
2. Go and introduce yourself to new people. 
3. Get a soda. 
4. Talk with the friend you came with.

Now quickly scan through these options and discard any that are not practical and then just randomly choose one option from what’s left.  Looking at the example  and you might decide that option one, go home is best used as a plan B or C.    Option 2, go and introduce yourself might be too much at the moment.  So it’s down to option 3 and 4.  Say you pick option 3.  Well now a decision is made so you can take action.   Walk over and get a soda, as you pick it up you might make small talk with other person.  And off you go having a great night.  If not and you are still standing alone, now you can try option 4 and find your friend. 

No action = increase in fear.

If you are shy and in an uncomfortable social situation you need to take action, no matter how small.  If you don’t take any action, you will most likely stand there and think, and there is a good chance that those thoughts will be critical.  Thinking too much also leads to a small deal quickly becoming a HUGE deal.  Lack of action can lead to increase in fear, which leads to less action.  It can be a vicious downward spiral.

Bonus tips.

If you know you are attending a social event, pre-plan some options.  The other thing I have noticed is that situations often repeat.  This means that if your shyness means that you think of what to say or do afterwards, remember them because the situation may come up again. 

Taking action will keep the fear and shyness away (or at least reduce it.) So find a few options and take action.  Usually, if you have three options, it doesn’t really matter what option you do first.  Just do one.  The first is always hardest, so once you have taken one small step, keep moving.

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