Developing social skills and overcoming shyness is not always easy. This is neither a bad thing nor something that should deter you but rather it simply shows that you will need to practice and stick with it.  You find this with any new skill you wish to acquire.   If you wanted to play your favorite song on the piano you wouldn’t expect to just sit down and play it without first learning and practicing it.  So why is it that so many of us think that learning and developing social skills should be different?

 One possible answer is that we are constantly being shown adverts for quick and easy fixes.  Need dinner now? Easy this will cook in 1 minute – need to lose 10 pounds?  Simple eat this or use this and so on and so on.  After a while it can appear that nearly everything has a simple, quick and easy solution.    But of course there are plenty of worthwhile things/skills that take time, patience and at time some discomfort to achieve. 

We can also get stuck thinking ‘if they can do it, why can’t I’.   Again this goes back to thinking it should be simple and so ignores the fact that the other person probably has practiced for years.   It also neglects to acknowledge that just because a person appears calm and confident does mean they feel this way on the inside.  The reality might be that they feel unsure and uncomfortable inside while being able to project calm and confidence on the outside – also a learnt skill.

Use this to your advantage.

Next time you think developing your social skills is too hard: 
1. Remind yourself that there is no quick fix – you have to experience new social settings and practice.  
2.  Those people that look at ease and full of confidence have already practiced and developed their social skills (or perhaps they aren’t as confident on the inside.)  Therefore, you are doing fine – you are taking positive steps to further develop your own social skills just as they already have or are currently doing.
3. Yes it will be tough and frustrating at times and you will have to push yourself a little. This is all part of learning a new skill.

To summarize, developing social skills and reduce shyness will be hard and frustrating at times.  This is normal and something we all experience.  The important thing is to keep going and not let it put you off.

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I love this tip for overcoming shyness for two reasons:

   1. It gives you conversation topics. 
   2. It is much easier to talk about things you love.

In most work places and schools/collages people gather the morning after to talk about their favorite TV shows.    It is therefore a matter of finding people that like the same shows as you and/or watching shows others discuss.  Now, I’m not suggesting watching a show you hate just to have something to talk about.  But if you notice people at work or school talking about a particular show, check it out. 

In my third job, I became good friends with two of the women because we all loved the show ‘Survivor’, each morning after the show we would share our thoughts and feelings on who left, who we liked, who we hated etc.   It may seem trivial to talk about a TV show, but this was a show I watched religiously, I loved it and felt confident and comfortable talking about it.  This, of course, lead to a greater comfort when talking to the other women about other subjects and soon our bond over survivor developed into a wonderful friendship.

Finding little conversation topics like this can be extremely helpful in overcoming your shyness.   And remember it is these little conversation topics that lead to the bigger ones. 

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Recently I wrote a guest post for a wonderful blog, Introvert blogs.  The aims to offer a starting point for introverts to overcome their shyness.  If you are an introvert, I encourage you to take a look at Lea Anns blog, it’s a wonderful first-hand look at being an introvert.  I truly appreciate blogs like this, it’s offers comfort that we are not alone. 

Overcoming shyness: tips for introverts.

Being shy isn’t a bad thing.  You can be shy and live a very happy and successful life.  But when shyness prevents you from doing things you would enjoy or you miss opportunities, then you need to decide whether to let shyness control your life, or will you take control of your shyness? 

As an introvert working to overcome shyness there are two main needs to consider:

1. As an introvert – time to reflect, regroup and be by yourself.
2. To overcome shyness – join social groups, attend social gatherings etc.

The easiest way I have found to meet both needs is to plan social events so they are evenly spread throughout the week.  For example, if I had a work function on Friday afternoon, I would not plan to go out on Friday Night.     Likewise, if I went out with friends on Saturday night, I would have stay home Saturday afternoon and probably Sunday morning too.  

Just how much time you need to regroup depends on you, what the event is, and who will be there etc.   When I first began to challenge my shyness I liked to have several days after some events to reflect and regroup.  Now I need much less.   You probably already have a good feel for how much alone time you need.  So plan social events to ensure you have enough time for yourself.

Once you have your time planned out you can get to work overcoming that shyness.   Just attending social gatherings is not enough.  You need to step out of your comfort zone, approach someone say hello, introduce yourself and have a conversation.  If this all sounds too much, don’t panic.  You can break this down and practice until you feel more comfortable and confident.

Planning what you are going to say can be very helpful.  I use to get stuck not knowing what to say because I was searching for the perfect response.    I didn’t realize that my comments didn’t have to be witty, clever and smart all the time.  Talking about the weather or some local news is fine.  Small talk helps to create a bond and acts as a vehicle to lead to deeper conversations and relationships.  

Once you have worked out a few things to say, the next step is where to practice.  The best place to start is in situations that are safe such as:

1. Close friends.  Rehearse what you are going to say with a good friend.  This is particularly good for job interviews and work related networking. 
2. The shopping center.  When you purchase something, look the sales clerk in the eyes as you greet and thank them.  Once this is comfortable add some small talk.   Ask questions about products, or ask another shopper their opinion on an item.  
3. The gym.  I use to do a lot of group classes, and there was good opportunities to have a small chat with someone before class and then during tracks. 

Once you feel more comfortable saying hi and making some small talk with strangers it’s time to develop those conversation skills a little more.  To do this try joining a group or club that interests you, volunteer work is also a good option.  Being with a group of people who share a similar interest or passion means conversation are much easier to start or join, allowing you to go beyond small talk and create a deeper relationship with people.   And don’t forget to always acknowledge your progress.  Don’t dismiss what you doing, this is a big deal, and it isn’t easy.   

Overcoming shyness as an introvert is similar to anyone overcoming shyness, but it does have the extra challenge of being social while meeting your introvert needs.    So plan your week so you know when you will have time to yourself and when you will be social.  In your social times stepping outside your comfort zone and talking with others all help to overcome shyness.  

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Overcoming shyness is all about feeling comfortable in an increasing range of situations.  Slowly extending where you feel comfortable is the easiest way to do this.  And to help further there are small comfort challenges you can try.  Learning to say no is number 4.   Because these challenges  aim to extend your comfort zone slowly it is best to start at with number one and move up from there.

Number one – Look people in the eye.
Number two – Learn to propose solutions or ideas.
Number three – Get phone numbers.

The main goal of all these comfort challenges is to feel more at ease doing something that before you may have felt anxious about.  Comfort challenge number 4 is no different.  The object here is to feel more comfortable saying no. 

So what do you do?

The challenge is to say no to everything that will not get you fired.   This comfort challenge was taken from Tim Ferris’s book “the four hour work week”.  Although this book is about working less and different ways to approach a work-life there are a number of comfort challenges that are perfect to help you overcome shyness.

Tips to help you say no.

1. Delay the answer.   If you say ‘yes’ to something and then later regret that decisions try delaying the answer.  This will give you some time to think it through, do you really want to, do you feel obligated?  To give yourself some time, try saying:
    a. ”Let me check my diary and I’ll get back to you later today”
    b. ”Let me check I’m free that morning and let you know tomorrow morning”
    c. ”I’m a bit busy at the moment, let me think about it and I’ll get back to you”

2. Give a brief reply.  If there is something that you don’t want to do, but aren’t busy should you lie?  I have found most success in giving a brief reply and if pressed for more details, to just say that I am busy.  Some examples of brief replies are:
    a. ” I won’t be able to attend, sorry”
    b. ”I’m sorry, but I can’t make it”

3. Why are you saying yes?  Before you let the word ‘yes” come out of your mouth, ask why you are saying yes.   If you are saying ‘yes’ for the wrong reasons then you need to challenge yourself to say ‘no’ instead.  Some possible wrong reasons include:
    a. Saying yes out of fear.  For example, fear that people won’t like you.
    b. Saying yes out of guilt. 
    c. Saying yes because of social pressure.  

4. What is your gut feeling?  Take a step back and listen to your gut instinct.  What is that you really want to do?  Usually you know you want to say ‘no,’ but feel obligated to say yes.  This is where practice is important, so you can say ‘no’ and be true to yourself.

5. Practice saying no.  This is the whole purpose of this comfort challenge, to practice saying ‘no’.   It does get easier with practice.
 

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To feel comfortable and not shy in a variety of social situations, you need to challenge your current comfort zone.   This is the third comfort challenge you can use to help overcome shyness.  You can find the first one here and second comfort challenge here.

Before you read the next comfort challenge make sure you have tried the first two as they ease you into the idea of challenging your comfort zone.   

This comfort challenge is to get phone numbers.

 Head down to the mall and ask strangers for their phone number.  Now before you talk yourself out of it, understand that the goal is not to actually get phone numbers, but to ask for them.   Once you have successfully ask for a bunch of phone numbers and start to feel more comfortable with it, the confidence you gain will flow over to other social interaction. 

This challenge is from Tim Ferris’s book ‘The Four Hour Work Week’ and he gives you an example on how to ask, suggesting that you say you are off to meet friends and in a hurry but wanted to ask for their number.  And to finish with “you can give me a fake number if you like”.  I like this, because it gives the other person a safe out, but you still achieve your goal.

My experience.

I’m not if this counts as cheating or not, but I chose to challenge my comfort zone on Christmas eve.  I did this for two reasons, first people were in good moods (mostly) and people were in a hurry (mostly) so I thought they would be more likely to not ask too many questions.

Even though I feel my shyness is at a much more capable level, this challenge scared me.  I am female so I think that might have been part of it.  My theory is that if I was a male, I probably would have more practice in asking for numbers.  Also, because I didn’t actually want the numbers, I didn’t want to give people the wrong impression.   Ok, all that aside, how did I do? 

Even though Tim Ferris recommends asking at least 3 people in the first 5 minutes to get over the discomfort, I spent about 15 minutes looking at DVD’s and books first.   Then I decided to just do it or go home.  The first person I asked said his wife wouldn’t like it, and the second who I asked straight away after said he had no pen or paper, so I said I had a good memory.  Afterwards, I realized this might be good, just in case he wonders why I didn’t call, he would assume I forgot it.  After that I felt too funny asking for numbers giving the impression that I would call, knowing full well I wouldn’t.  So I switched to asking if they would be willing to be interviewed for my website.     Within the next 20 minutes I had asked 5 more people. 

It did get easier especially when the focus changed to something I was more passionate about – this website.    I wouldn’t say I do it with no problems, but now that I’ve done it once and it worked out well, I do feel more comfortable about it.  I also got email/phone number from two people interested in sharing their shyness stories.  So we’ll see how that goes.

Overcoming shyness is all about extending your comfort zone.  Each time you do this you will experience some discomfort, but the trick is to make the discomfort enough that your comfort zone extends but not too much that you give up.  If this challenge seems too much right now, try the first or second comfort challenge or vary this one.  For example, ask people for the time or directions.

Good luck and let me know how you get on.
 

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 Chances are that as we get closer to Christmas, that your work functions are now behind you and you can focus on the parties/lunches/dinners with close family and friends.    In most of these cases I feel safe in assuming that these gatherings are not the type to bring on anxiety and shyness, or at least not the major culprits.   

So take a few moments to take notice and ask yourself the following:
1.  How comfortable and relaxed you feel.
2. Why do you feel this relaxed?
3. What is it that ‘works’ in this situation?

The idea is that if you are not shy or anxious in these situations, there is something about them that works.   It’s important for you to take a look at your own situation, as everyone is different.  But when I have asked these questions of myself my answers have been:
1. I feel comfortable.
2. I am not thinking about me, my focus is elsewhere.

Apply this knowledge to overcome shyness.

The question then becomes how can I take this and use it in other social situations.
Your reasons from step one might be different to mine, buy I will use mine as an example:

1. Feel comfortable.
The best way I have found to deal with this is to slowly extend the situations I feel comfortable in.  I do this by challenging my comfort zone and establishing an end goal and breaking it down into manageable steps. 

2. Focus elsewhere.
The best way I have found to deal with this is practice.  It helps when you are in a situation where you can talk with others about things you are passionate about.  Otherwise, find things to focus on and take a genuine interest in others and what they have to say. 

Taking a look at the social situations that you feel at easy and totally comfortable in, can give you great insight as to what is working for you.  Then take what works and apply it to other social situations. 

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Recently I read “Don’t make me think” by Steve Krug and while this is a book on website usability testing it included good reminder that applies well when you are working to overcome shyness.   The idea is that everyone is muddling through – the only difference is that people muddle through on different levels.    A good example is using the internet.  You may be a beginner or intermediate or more advanced.  But on some level everyone muddles through.  No one knows all the best answers to all the possible problems.  But this not necessary to have fun and gain a benefit from using it – which ever your level.  And let’s not forget that as you gain more practice you get better and more comfortable using the internet.

So it is important that as you work to reduce your shyness you remember that other people aren’t perfect.  They too are stumbling their way through social situations.  In fact, usually when someone looks confident in a certain situation the reason is that they have experienced this type of situation many times before.  They have already had practice, and so may now muddle through, albeit on a different level.   Take action and try different social situations and you will soon be muddling through on a higher level too.

Gaining the most for social situations doesn’t have to mean that you have to be the life of the party.  You can have a good experience and fun time by talking with just a few people.  And then the next time you will feel a little more comfortable, so starting the conversations will be a little easier.  And each time after that, it will be a little easier and comfortable. 

Conclusion:
1. Remember that everyone is muddling through.  No-one knows the perfect answer to every situation.
2. You can still have a good time at whatever level you are on.   With each social experience you will feel a little more comfortable, so keep at it.

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Shyness can be overcome, but  before you set out to completely conquer your shyness, pause first to ask yourself what are your overall goals.

Why goal setting is critical.

If you don’t know what your overall goal is, it makes getting there quite a challenge.   There are many many different social situations that exist.  Do you have the desire to feel comfortable in each and every one?  Or do you really just want to feel comfortable in the day-to-day social situations, such as talking with co-workers and feeling at ease when meeting new people.   

What sacrifice are you willing to make?

How much you are willing to sacrifice has a big impact on how realistic your goals are.  If you want to go from very shy to social butterfly then unless you are willing to make great sacrifice, your goals are not very realistic.  And as we know, unrealistic goals are doomed to fail. 

When you are overcoming shyness sacrifices generally boil down to feeling uncomfortable.  Putting yourself out there, taking action and placing yourself in new social situations.  The amount of time and energy you and discomfort you are willing to experience need to match the overall goal to make it do-able.

Age helps the goals.

It is critical to point out that experience comes with age.   There is no way to short cut this.  So some of the shyness you may experience now will fade as you natural age and experience more.  Speaking from personal experience I can say that there were things that bothered me in my teenage years that are a non-issue now.  

Well if age helps overcome shyness, why set goals?

You still need to set goals because age will only reduce some of your shyness.  Which means that you still need to take action. 

But generally as you age you naturally encounter different social settings.   Some of these activities will, of course, be uncomfortable at first, but the strong need to do them (such as contact agents to find a house or apartment) means you will have the motivation to take action and soon you will feel much more comfortable.  Some of this comfort will spill over into other areas of your social life, but you will still need to get out there and take action to feel totally at ease in those social situations.  Goal setting comes in here.  For example, you may wish to feel comfortable asking someone out, now some of your shyness maybe reduce due to age and experience, but unless you get out there, take action and some risks by asking people out, then you will never feel totally comfortable with doing this.
 

So as you work towards overcoming your shyness, take a moment to think about what you want the outcome to look like.  Having a overall goal can be a motivating factor in itself.  Remember that life experience will help you overcome shyness but you still need to take action.

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Shyness can often leave you standing to the side wondering what to say or do.  Taking action may seem like a general (and useless) piece of advice but it isn’t as hard as it seems.  And it works!  Like most things as one step it is huge, but broken down into small steps, taking action to overcome shyness is do-able.

How to take action when you don’t know what to do?

Taking that first step is always the hardest, but once you get going it is much easier to keep going.  So the main challenge is taking that first step.  Being shy means there are often times when you are unsure what to do.  Taking action still applies in these situations.  If you don’t know what to do, think of two or three options.  I have found that usually there are several options running in my head, I just get stuck knowing what to choose so use to do none.   Once you have a few options, just pick one.  It doesn’t matter what one, it is far more important that you do something.   

Example:  You are at a party and most people are strangers.  Think of some options, you come up with the options: 

1. Go home. 
2. Go and introduce yourself to new people. 
3. Get a soda. 
4. Talk with the friend you came with.

Now quickly scan through these options and discard any that are not practical and then just randomly choose one option from what’s left.  Looking at the example  and you might decide that option one, go home is best used as a plan B or C.    Option 2, go and introduce yourself might be too much at the moment.  So it’s down to option 3 and 4.  Say you pick option 3.  Well now a decision is made so you can take action.   Walk over and get a soda, as you pick it up you might make small talk with other person.  And off you go having a great night.  If not and you are still standing alone, now you can try option 4 and find your friend. 

No action = increase in fear.

If you are shy and in an uncomfortable social situation you need to take action, no matter how small.  If you don’t take any action, you will most likely stand there and think, and there is a good chance that those thoughts will be critical.  Thinking too much also leads to a small deal quickly becoming a HUGE deal.  Lack of action can lead to increase in fear, which leads to less action.  It can be a vicious downward spiral.

Bonus tips.

If you know you are attending a social event, pre-plan some options.  The other thing I have noticed is that situations often repeat.  This means that if your shyness means that you think of what to say or do afterwards, remember them because the situation may come up again. 

Taking action will keep the fear and shyness away (or at least reduce it.) So find a few options and take action.  Usually, if you have three options, it doesn’t really matter what option you do first.  Just do one.  The first is always hardest, so once you have taken one small step, keep moving.

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Last week I talked about how you can overcome shyness by challenging your comfort zone.    The first challenge came from the book “The 4 hour work week” by Tim Ferris.  The challenge was to look people in the eye and let them be the ones to look away.   Look them in the eye when talking or listening, and even as you pass people in the street.

The results from last week.

Looking at people while I was listening to them wasn’t hard.  I quickly found nearly everyone looks around while they talk.  Looking people in the eye while talking was, as I expected a bit more of a challenge.  It took a strong conscious effort to do this and several times it put me off what I was saying.  But I stuck at it and it does become easier.   Though I still need practice when it’s a longer conversation where I am doing lots of talking.
Looking people in the eye as you pass them in the street gave me a few odd looks but many smiles.  I look non-threatening, (being a smallish female) so I didn’t get any “what you looking at?” accusations.  
To be honest I initially thought this exercise was somewhat a silly.  But after several days I did find that it made me feel more -I want to say powerful here, but that is just a little too strong a word – but certainly I felt more confident.  So I am pleased I tried this exercise and highly recommend it.

This weeks challenge: Learn to propose.

Don’t panic it’s not propose as in marry me proposing.  It is propose as in offer possible solutions instead of asking for options.   You are not allowed to say “I don’t know what do you think.” Possible lines are given to help you get started:

• Can I make a suggestion…?
• I propose…
• I’d like to propose…
• I’d like to suggest that…. what do you think?
• Let’s try… and then try something else if that doesn’t work”

This weeks challenge looks good.   I really like the sound of it because I know it’s going to work.  I think the biggest trick is going to be catching yourself saying “not sure, what do you think?”  And because it’s the way I work, I have written down those starters on post-its to help me remember them and most importantly to use them.   Once again I will report back next week on how it went.

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