After my last post which gives tricks to use when you forget someone’s name, a good friend and I got into a heated debate.   Like me, my friend is shy, and she believes her shyness leads her to forget people’s names.   Me on the other hand, I credit my shyness for my ability to remember names.  Here are our arguments:

Shyness leads me to forget names.
When faced with meeting new people I often get quite flustered.  This causes me to forget everything they said, including their name.  In fact I often forget what I said also!  

Shyness helps me remember names.
I often feel uncomfortable when talking with people I don’t know well.  Forgetting someone’s name would make me feel even more uncomfortable.  So I remember names.  

I long held the belief that shyness was the reason I was so good at remembering people’s names, and I assumed that other shy people were the same.  Of course now I realised that shyness can cause the opposite as well.  Shyness can affect us in different ways.  Always take into account how your shyness affects your life when taking steps to deal with it and/or overcome your shyness.

 If you experience shyness - do  you remember names or forget them?

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First, I would like to thank those of you who have taken the time to comment on this blog or email me.   One email said they were too shy to comment, but were very much appreciative of this blog.   I’m so happy to hear that my experience, past and present can help others.   

My journey with shyness

Over the past month I managed to catch the flu and then a bad cold.  They were not fun, and meant that I didn’t leave the house (other than for food)  for about a 10 days.   I thought 10 days wouldn’t affect my progress, but it did.  Before getting sick I had fallen into a comfortable stride with working to overcome my shyness.  After a break from that, it seemed too hard to start it up again, and  it suddenly felt easier to avoid people.  Logically I knew this wasn’t an option,  so I took 2 days to reflect, and remind myself how well I have been doing, and how much better it feels to be able to talk to people without feeling anxious.  I am now back on track.  There is a quote about the things that are hardest are also the most rewarding.  This isn’t easy, but it is rewarding.   

The overcoming shyness series.

The idea behind this series was to offer practical advice and steps on overcoming shyness.  Not just the theory.  

When I was a teenager and looked for resources to overcome my shyness, all I could find was ‘don’t worry, have confidence and be yourself’  but how do you actually do this?  That’s the part that was missing and what I most wanted to know.  Which is why I have included a working example throughout this series.

Part 1: Start from Acceptance.  If you are shy you are shy.  Try not to focus on whether it’s good or bad.  It is what it is.

Part 2: Manageable steps are the key.  Take small steps that you can manage.  You need to push yourself enough so that you make a change, but not too much that you give up.

Part 3: Have patience and a plan.  Have a plan allows you to keep the big picture in mind, but focus on the day-to-day steps and successes.

Part 4: Stop negative talk.  Take notice of what your thoughts are saying, and take steps to chance any negative talk to positive.

Part 5: Practice in a safe environment. Taking action and loads of practice is how you will overcome shyness.  Practice as much as you can, and do so in a safe environment to help build confidence.

Part 6: Learn to relax. Practice relaxation techniques at home, that you can use when your shyness starts to come out.

Only a few more parts, which I hope to get out this next week. 

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It is never nice to see a large list of negatives, especially when you have experienced most of them.  But I wanted to post a list of shyness symptoms to gain a clear understanding  of just how much shyness can affect you.  

Many of these symptoms are familiar to me, especially the behavioural ones.  I never know what to say when I met new people, or see people I don’t know well.  After a few short minutes of small talk (asking about their work or family)  I am standing there thinking ‘I don’t know what to say’.  I then avoid eye contact and try and get away from the situation as fast as possible.   

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Two separate and quite different events happened this week which have given me a very nice and comfortable sense of belonging.

Firstly, what a nice surprise it was to find that my blog had been tagged twice.   I was very surprised as I still consider this blog to be new, and hadn’t really expected it.  It really makes me feel like I am part of the blogging community.   And what a cool community it is, so many interesting blogs on every possible topic.  It is so easy to find yourself reading a blog well after you should be in bed!  And I have added about 23 blogs to my Google reader already.   If you don’t already have a blog, I highly recommend it.  

Secondly, I posted some facts about introverts.    I hadn’t realised how much being an introvert does affect what I do and how I deal with things.   It was quite the eye opener. It explains why I often turn my phone ringer off.  It explains why I need time to myself each day.    In a world where there are so many talkative, extroverts it is easy to feel like you are the odd one out.   But in fact, there are a lot of introverts out there.  It’s just, like me, they are doing their own thing.  

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If you are looking for a safe step towards overcoming shyness, I suggest you start a blog. 

I have found blogging has helped with my shyness already.   I started my blog just a few weeks ago, and after a bit of reservation I begain to join some blogging communities and started to make a few comments on others blogs.    In the past I would stand on the sidelines wanting to join in, but not knowing how.  This time I just jumped right in and  I have been pleasantly surprised at the response.  

And it flows on to “real life”.   I have already noticed myself being more talkative in face-to-face situations.  It’s only a small step, but I was very pleased today when I found myself in a conversation with two people I only just met.  I was still somewhat nervous, but I definitely contributed more to the conversation than I would have in the past.

Get your own blog.

If you have ever thought about starting a blog, I highly recommend it.  You can write about a specific subject or topics depending where your thoughts are for that day.   There are many sites where you can sign up for a free blog.  Blogger and wordpress are two popular choices.  But if you are like me and always liked the idea of your own domain name, you can get a free domain with $6.95 hosting package.  This way you get your own domain name, hosting and as a nice bonus, helpful customer service. 

Then join some (or all) of the blogging communities out there, and don’t forget to add me as a friend.

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There are  times when telling people you are shy could work in your favour.   When I started my first university course, I felt very uncomfortable and my shyness took over.  I soon realised that I was coming across as being unfriendly.   This of course was the last thing I wanted, so I told two classmates that I was shy and that it took time for me to feel comfortable in situations like this.   They informed a few others and everyone was very nice about it, a few others even admitting feeling the same.   It was a risk, but one that paid off.  (And I even found myself speaking up in tutorials, that was a big first back then).

But likewise there are situations where where telling people you are shy would put you at a disadvantage.  This is espeically so in a business environment. The risk you take in telling someone you are shy is that it sets up their expectations of you. This can be a hard thing to overcome especially so in a professional environment when others can take advantage of that fact.  

So it does depend on the situation and the people involvedl.  It is also important to remember that taking steps to overcome your shyness is always better than telling people you are shy, and then using it as an excuse to not get involved.

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I feel a bit silly to admit this but I find it quite hard to leave comments on other people’s blogs.

There are two main comment types:
1. Contribution comments.  where you introduce a new idea, debate, or agree with a point in the blog.  These types of comments are usually ok.  
2. Conversational comments.   These are more general comments. For example,  you like the  look of a blog or  a post idea in general, but don’t have anything specific to say about it.   

It’s the second kind I have most trouble with.    My main concern is that the comment would come across as being insincere.  So I try rewording it and then often delete it altogether and just move on to read the next post. 

Its only a small step but I am committing myself to leaving more comments.    

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Social Fitness

Desired general state of wellness in which the degree of social participation is determined by personal preference rather than by discomfort and fears of negative evaluation.        
                                                        - www.shyness.com

I was discussing this idea in a previous blog but didn’t realise there was a term for it.   But there you go, Social Fitness is what I am slowly, but surely working towards. 

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One a scale of 1 – 10; How shy are you?  1 being painfully, unable to speak to people shy and 10 being not shy at all.   I would put myself as a 3.5 (4 on a good day)  To be honest my goal in this isn’t to be a 10 instead it is more about getting to be a 7 when my shyness no longer has any negative effect on my life. 

 There are a lot of situations and social settings that I avoid.    Meeting new people is very hard, I feel uncomfortable asking them a lot of personal questions, and just as uncomfortable sharing my stories.  It takes me longer than most people to warm to someone and be at a point  where I feel comfortable sharing personal information.    

A lot of non-shy people don’t understand  that shyness can be mistaken for  being  a snob, arrogant, being rude or just plain unfriendly.   I have had this happen several times and all it does is make the shyness worse.   It’s hard to explain being shy to someone who has never experienced these feelings.

I enjoy my own company so have no desire to be a social butterfly, it would just be nice to not have a sinking feeling when you need to meet someone new and have a conversation with them.   

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When I was a child I was very shy.  I didn’t like meeting new people or doing new things, it was all too scary and uncomfortable because i never knew what to say or do.   After leaving school I joined the work force where I had to interact with many new people.  This was very scary at first, but I soon started to feel more relaxed in such settings.  

I’m still not sure how to describe my shyness, it varys depending on the situation and who I am with.  It is definitely much better than what it was, but I certainly have some ways to go.  

So as I enter my 30’s  I wanted to start this blog, to explore my thoughts on shyness and how it affects your life, and of course ways that you can help reduce your shyness.

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