1. Understand your social needs.

Different people have different social needs.  For some people staying home reading is a perfect night whereas others would find such solitude boring.  I use to look at a movies and television shows and the popular kids at school and assumed that I should enjoy going to parties each weekend, that I should enjoy socializing as much as possible.   But I didn’t like to go out all the time and felt like there was something wrong with me for not wanting to.   I wish someone had told me that it was okay to not want to go out each weekend.    In fact staying home and reading is a fine way to spend a Saturday night. 

I can still remember the exact weekend I found my balance.  I had made plans to go out with some friends and found myself dreading it.  We had been out the night before and I couldn’t understand why I just wanted to stay home.   After much deliberation I cancelled.  The second I cancelled I felt so much better, so much lighter.  I went to bed early that night and read for hours – it was paradise.   It was that evening that I realized that my social needs weren’t as large as most of my friends and later I realized that this is because I am an introvert.  This is neither better nor worse than my extroverted friends – it’s just different.   Where a night at home with a book would bore them, I loved it.  The key of course is to find your own balance.  Some people prefer to go out every opportunity whereas other people prefer to stay at home and read some nights and go out occasionally.  

Finding your balance.

The best place to start is to look at your current social activities and decide if you would prefer to interact more, less or about the same.   And don’t assume you should enjoy more social activity because that’s what everyone else does.  Ask yourself honestly. 

Keeping your balance.

Changing situations such as moving towns, going away to school, or friends moving etc. can mean your social needs are no longer being met.  I have moved a few times and both times I joined a local gym.  This helped me meet new people in an environment I felt comfortable in and resulted in my social balance being restored.  Everyone needs some time socializing and some time alone; the trick is to find what balance suites you best.  

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When I was about 8, a teacher talked to me about how she was very shy as a child and especially so through her teenage years.  She left home to attend university and after completing one year towards a business degree, realized she had chosen that career path because it would be easiest.   The problem was what she really wanted to do, was teach.   But being a teacher would mean talking in front of others, not just the students, but other teachers and parents also.   Obviously since she was my teacher at the time, you can guess that she followed her passion and became a teacher.   She told me how she would slowly push herself to talk to others, and then speak out in class.

I remember that talk because it meant a lot to me because:
   1. It showed me that shyness could be overcome.
   2. It showed me that other people were shy.
   3. It showed me that other people understood what it was like to be shy.

 Before this, I would look around and it seemed to me that nobody else felt like I did, that I was all alone.  So finding out that this wasn’t the case was simultaneously a huge relief and it gave me hope.

It is important to know that there are others who have been through the same things you have.   Who have experienced the same thoughts and feelings, and who have lived to tell.    The internet can be especially useful for this, for example; you can find blogs like this one, join message boards or read articles about shyness.  

Even though it has been  many years since I was 8, I am still surprised, at times, when I read or hear something that makes me think – that’s just like my shyness and once again I am reminded that there are a great number of people that experience shyness and that I am not alone.

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But don’t worry, this story has a happy ending (sort of) It is because of that one regret and missed chance that I have taken action since.  If hadn’t been for that one lost opportunity I wouldn’t have been so determined not to miss the next one.    If it hadn’t been for that one lost opportunity I would not have fully understood just how much regrets suck.    It was from that one event that I decided that I didn’t want any more regrets.   

The chance to meet that particular person has not happened again (yet), but I have said hello to a couple other celebrities I like.  Even though I was very nervous, as I approached them I was not focusing on the shyness.  The driving force had changed to knowing I had to do this or I would regret it. But it is not only these opportunites that I have taken, other situations where I know I will regret not doing something, I know take action.  It doesn’t always work out perfectly, but I know it is better than having that nagging regret.

If you don’t ask out that guy/girl you like and then they graduate/change job/move and you don’t see them again, don’t dwell too long, instead use it to motivate you to take action next time.    Next time ask them out.  I promise you that you will regret not asking considerably more than if you ask and get a ‘no’.

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The following diagram is mostly self-explanitory.  It shows that since high school my social comfort zone has increased while my desired social comfort zone has decreased slightly.

My hope is that this will help one person to know that shyness can be overcome.   A little practice and a little time are great helps in reducing your shyness.

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The results from last week.

Looking at people while I was listening to them wasn’t hard.  I quickly found nearly everyone looks around while they talk.  Looking people in the eye while talking was, as I expected a bit more of a challenge.  It took a strong conscious effort to do this and several times it put me off what I was saying.  But I stuck at it and it does become easier.   Though I still need practice when it’s a longer conversation where I am doing lots of talking.
Looking people in the eye as you pass them in the street gave me a few odd looks but many smiles.  I look non-threatening, (being a smallish female) so I didn’t get any “what you looking at?” accusations.  
To be honest I initially thought this exercise was somewhat a silly.  But after several days I did find that it made me feel more -I want to say powerful here, but that is just a little too strong a word – but certainly I felt more confident.  So I am pleased I tried this exercise and highly recommend it.

This weeks challenge: Learn to propose.

Don’t panic it’s not propose as in marry me proposing.  It is propose as in offer possible solutions instead of asking for options.   You are not allowed to say “I don’t know what do you think.” Possible lines are given to help you get started:

• Can I make a suggestion…?
• I propose…
• I’d like to propose…
• I’d like to suggest that…. what do you think?
• Let’s try… and then try something else if that doesn’t work”

This weeks challenge looks good.   I really like the sound of it because I know it’s going to work.  I think the biggest trick is going to be catching yourself saying “not sure, what do you think?”  And because it’s the way I work, I have written down those starters on post-its to help me remember them and most importantly to use them.   Once again I will report back next week on how it went.

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So how did I go from this, to starting a debate in class?  Well, after high school I went on to college and after several semesters I decided full time study was not for me and chose to worked part time while studying only part time.  After a few years of working I was taking a paper that involved some theory similar to what I was doing at work.  The tutor was saying one thing that I knew was wrong, so in a class of about 30 others I questioned her.  She stuck by her notes and I argued my point.  It’s not so much that I started a debate where before I was scared to speak.  But that I did so with no anxiety or nervousness. 

So how did this happen, what caused the change? 

The  key was that I expanded my comfort zone.  And I did this by getting a job.   The simple fact of getting a job and stepping outside my comfort zone was the main reason my shyness reduced.   Expanding my comfort zone resulted in my confidence being increased.  Part of this is due simply to having more life experience.  But mostly it was because the job meant I was now interacting with different people, clients and co-workers in many different situations.  To be honest this was quite scary initially, but that soon went away (and quicker that I had expected).

 Before the job I would have been scared to go and ask a stranger a question now it was no big deal.   Asking clients for the required information soon became just another task.   So when I was taking a required paper, and the tutor starts teaching something I knew was wrong, I felt very confident in speaking up. 

Your shyness.

So when are looking at your own shyness and wondering how to start to overcome one of the best pieces of advice I can give is to find something that you are passionate about and use that as a reason to interact with others.  A job is one of many options. What about joining a sports team, a community theatre group, or volunteer for a cause you feel passionate about.  Each can lead you to expand your comfort zone and reduce shyness in your life.

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1. I felt comfortable early.

A lot of my confidence was thanks to a teacher I had when I was 10 years old who made my class give several speeches that year.  I guess because at that point all the kids were friends and clichés had not yet been formed, giving a speech was ok, no big deal.  So later, at high school when I had to give a speech it was fine.  I didn’t panic like I did when called on in class.  Giving a speech was associated with feeling of comfort and a sense of ease.

2. I knew exactly what I was going to say.

We were required to write a speech and use note cards when giving it.  So this is what I did, after writing it out then transferring to note form and a few practices later, I had basically memorised the whole speech.  I knew exactly what I was going to say.  Unlike being called on in class, that was a panic situation because I never knew what to say.

3. Everyone was doing it.

This is best explained by the statement – safety in numbers.  Because everyone else was required to give a speech we were all in the same situation.  I was not alone, or being singled out. 

Well that’s great for me, but what about you? 

It might not be a school speech that you need to give.  Maybe it is a presentation at work, or something similar.  Either way, you can take the key tricks that helped me and use them to your advantage.

1. Work towards feeling comfortable.

If speeches or presentations fill you with fear, the best thing you can do is start to change the feeling of fear to one of comfort.  And the best way to do that is to practice in a safe environment.  As you give presentations in a relaxed and secure setting your confidence will increase and soon giving a presentation or speech will be associated with feelings of comfort. 

2. Plan.

You don’t need to go as far as I did and memorise the presentation.  But know what you are going to say, write a few notes if you need to.  Planning what you are going to say takes away a lot of the uncertainly and can do wonders for helping you feel more relaxed.

3. Be a team member.

Giving a work presentation is a lot like a school speech because people understand that it’s not an easy thing to do, so are on your side wanting you to succeed.   Work presentations where several people take turns presenting mean you are working as a team.  The focus is not on you as a single person, but on the team. 

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1. 1. My children.
2. 2. My life purpose.

Both my motivating factors are interconnected since I consider raising my children as part of my life purpose.  But in the past knowing that I was working this shyness stuff out now, to prevent it rubbing off on my future children was very motivating.   Because I know how hard dealing with shyness can be, and equally how challenging it can be to overcome – I wanted to do what I could to prevent any of my kids from having to deal with it also.

Life purpose as a motivator.

I have encounter people who find the idea of a life purpose to be ‘wishy-washy’ and other who suggested that life is its own reward.   But for me the idea of a life purpose is very motivating.  Once I understood what my life purpose was, I started to work out the steps I would need to take.  One of the challenges has been that if I am shy, then fulfilling this purpose is very hard, if not impossible. 

If, like me, your life purpose requires social interaction, then clearly, overcoming shyness is important.  Keeping this in mind can be powerful motivator.  Am I going to let shyness stand in my way?!?   Not a chance!! 

Your reasons for wanting to overcome shyness don’t have to be quite as dramatic as that; simply wanting to feel more comfortable in social settings is a perfect reason and motivator.   The key is to know why you want to overcome shyness – let this be your driving factor, let it be the thought that helps you stay at that party for 20 extra minutes.  

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Shyness leads me to forget names.
When faced with meeting new people I often get quite flustered.  This causes me to forget everything they said, including their name.  In fact I often forget what I said also!  

Shyness helps me remember names.
I often feel uncomfortable when talking with people I don’t know well.  Forgetting someone’s name would make me feel even more uncomfortable.  So I remember names.  

I long held the belief that shyness was the reason I was so good at remembering people’s names, and I assumed that other shy people were the same.  Of course now I realised that shyness can cause the opposite as well.  Shyness can affect us in different ways.  Always take into account how your shyness affects your life when taking steps to deal with it and/or overcome your shyness.

 If you experience shyness – do  you remember names or forget them?

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My journey with shyness

Over the past month I managed to catch the flu and then a bad cold.  They were not fun, and meant that I didn’t leave the house (other than for food)  for about a 10 days.   I thought 10 days wouldn’t affect my progress, but it did.  Before getting sick I had fallen into a comfortable stride with working to overcome my shyness.  After a break from that, it seemed too hard to start it up again, and  it suddenly felt easier to avoid people.  Logically I knew this wasn’t an option,  so I took 2 days to reflect, and remind myself how well I have been doing, and how much better it feels to be able to talk to people without feeling anxious.  I am now back on track.  There is a quote about the things that are hardest are also the most rewarding.  This isn’t easy, but it is rewarding.   

The overcoming shyness series.

The idea behind this series was to offer practical advice and steps on overcoming shyness.  Not just the theory.  

When I was a teenager and looked for resources to overcome my shyness, all I could find was ‘don’t worry, have confidence and be yourself’  but how do you actually do this?  That’s the part that was missing and what I most wanted to know.  Which is why I have included a working example throughout this series.

Part 1: Start from Acceptance.  If you are shy you are shy.  Try not to focus on whether it’s good or bad.  It is what it is.

Part 2: Manageable steps are the key.  Take small steps that you can manage.  You need to push yourself enough so that you make a change, but not too much that you give up.

Part 3: Have patience and a plan.  Have a plan allows you to keep the big picture in mind, but focus on the day-to-day steps and successes.

Part 4: Stop negative talk.  Take notice of what your thoughts are saying, and take steps to chance any negative talk to positive.

Part 5: Practice in a safe environment. Taking action and loads of practice is how you will overcome shyness.  Practice as much as you can, and do so in a safe environment to help build confidence.

Part 6: Learn to relax. Practice relaxation techniques at home, that you can use when your shyness starts to come out.

Only a few more parts, which I hope to get out this next week. 

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