Overcoming shyness is a process and does take time.  But as I stand and look back over the years there are a few things I wish I knew when I was 15 that would have made the process a little easier.

1. Understand your social needs.

Different people have different social needs.  For some people staying home reading is a perfect night whereas others would find such solitude boring.  I use to look at a movies and television shows and the popular kids at school and assumed that I should enjoy going to parties each weekend, that I should enjoy socializing as much as possible.   But I didn’t like to go out all the time and felt like there was something wrong with me for not wanting to.   I wish someone had told me that it was okay to not want to go out each weekend.    In fact staying home and reading is a fine way to spend a Saturday night. 

I can still remember the exact weekend I found my balance.  I had made plans to go out with some friends and found myself dreading it.  We had been out the night before and I couldn’t understand why I just wanted to stay home.   After much deliberation I cancelled.  The second I cancelled I felt so much better, so much lighter.  I went to bed early that night and read for hours – it was paradise.   It was that evening that I realized that my social needs weren’t as large as most of my friends and later I realized that this is because I am an introvert.  This is neither better nor worse than my extroverted friends – it’s just different.   Where a night at home with a book would bore them, I loved it.  The key of course is to find your own balance.  Some people prefer to go out every opportunity whereas other people prefer to stay at home and read some nights and go out occasionally.  

Finding your balance.

The best place to start is to look at your current social activities and decide if you would prefer to interact more, less or about the same.   And don’t assume you should enjoy more social activity because that’s what everyone else does.  Ask yourself honestly. 

Keeping your balance.

Changing situations such as moving towns, going away to school, or friends moving etc. can mean your social needs are no longer being met.  I have moved a few times and both times I joined a local gym.  This helped me meet new people in an environment I felt comfortable in and resulted in my social balance being restored.  Everyone needs some time socializing and some time alone; the trick is to find what balance suites you best.  

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One of the first steps in my quest to overcome shyness was to ring up a store and ask what time they closed.  When this was easy I rang and asked if they stocked a certain product followed by a query.   It didn’t take me long to then move on to face-to-face social challenges.  The thing that puzzled me is why I still had a strong dislike for phones.  When mobile phones became common I resisted as long as possible before finally giving in and buying one.  Even then I didn’t really use it, other than texting. 

I hate the phone ringing for three reasons.

1. It interrupts me.   If I am in the middle of doing something important, I dislike the interruption even more.  Once I am in the right flow of work I can get a lot done, interrupt that and it can take me long time to get that flow back.

2. It means I have to be quick thinking.  Often people ring to ask something.   This can be stressful, especially at work.  I hate answering questions without having time to get all the information and think about it.

3. After each call I need some time to regroup.  The social aspect of the phone drains my energy and I need time to get this energy back. (except calls from close family and friends.)

I honestly thought it was only me that had this aversion to phone calls, but research shows that many introverts feel the same way.  Introverts by nature don’t like interruptions.  This is a giant relief to know that at least I’m not alone.

How I deal with this.

1. Understanding that I felt this way was the first step.  Being able to say, hey I don’t like getting phone calls and feel okay with it, was very refreshing.

2. I had to find a way that people could contact me, and have it a method I would feel comfortable with.  So I now ask people to contact me via email.  If they ask for my phone number I give both my number and my email address and tell them that I check email more often than my phone.

3. Yes, I still have a mobile phone, but I no longer let it interrupt me.  I always felt funny turning the phone off, so instead I turn the ringer to silent and put it on the side table.  This way it only takes a glance at the phone to check to see if there are any messages.

4. When I do find myself returning calls, I do so at a time that suites me.  

5. When I am caught (usually at work) and get a phone call I often ask the person if it is ok to ring them back in 10 minutes with the answer.  I find this much easier (and less pressure) that trying to find the answer for them while they are on the one end of the phone.

I wanted to share this because for so long I thought it was me, some character fault.    But I was wrong, it was my introvert nature.  It was nothing wrong with me, just the way I am.  Understanding this really allowed me to accept it and find ways to deal with it.    So if you have a dislike for phone calls it may just be your introvert nature.  If this is the case some of the tips above might help.

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If you are shy, you are not alone.  In fact, I would go so far as to say, you are in very good company.    I was tempted to seek out a list of famous people who describe themselves as shy, but famous people aren’t the only ones who make good company.   Sometime you will be surprised to find out that people you wouldn’t suspect also experience shyness.

When I was about 8, a teacher talked to me about how she was very shy as a child and especially so through her teenage years.  She left home to attend university and after completing one year towards a business degree, realized she had chosen that career path because it would be easiest.   The problem was what she really wanted to do, was teach.   But being a teacher would mean talking in front of others, not just the students, but other teachers and parents also.   Obviously since she was my teacher at the time, you can guess that she followed her passion and became a teacher.   She told me how she would slowly push herself to talk to others, and then speak out in class.

I remember that talk because it meant a lot to me because:
   1. It showed me that shyness could be overcome.
   2. It showed me that other people were shy.
   3. It showed me that other people understood what it was like to be shy.

 Before this, I would look around and it seemed to me that nobody else felt like I did, that I was all alone.  So finding out that this wasn’t the case was simultaneously a huge relief and it gave me hope.

It is important to know that there are others who have been through the same things you have.   Who have experienced the same thoughts and feelings, and who have lived to tell.    The internet can be especially useful for this, for example; you can find blogs like this one, join message boards or read articles about shyness.  

Even though it has been  many years since I was 8, I am still surprised, at times, when I read or hear something that makes me think – that’s just like my shyness and once again I am reminded that there are a great number of people that experience shyness and that I am not alone.

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Years ago I was with a small group attending the filming of a TV show.  During a break, the floor manager came over and said if we wanted we could go and say hi to whoever we wanted.   This was such a surprise and good fortune, yet I didn’t take it.  I felt like an idiot and sat there even though I wanted nothing more than to go say hello.  The break ended and shooting started again.  It didn’t take long before I was thinking ‘why didn’t I go over and say’Hi’.  I knew the answer of course: fear.  Fear of being rejected or of looking stupid in front of someone I admired.

But don’t worry, this story has a happy ending (sort of) It is because of that one regret and missed chance that I have taken action since.  If hadn’t been for that one lost opportunity I wouldn’t have been so determined not to miss the next one.    If it hadn’t been for that one lost opportunity I would not have fully understood just how much regrets suck.    It was from that one event that I decided that I didn’t want any more regrets.   

The chance to meet that particular person has not happened again (yet), but I have said hello to a couple other celebrities I like.  Even though I was very nervous, as I approached them I was not focusing on the shyness.  The driving force had changed to knowing I had to do this or I would regret it. But it is not only these opportunites that I have taken, other situations where I know I will regret not doing something, I know take action.  It doesn’t always work out perfectly, but I know it is better than having that nagging regret.

If you don’t ask out that guy/girl you like and then they graduate/change job/move and you don’t see them again, don’t dwell too long, instead use it to motivate you to take action next time.    Next time ask them out.  I promise you that you will regret not asking considerably more than if you ask and get a ‘no’.

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Recently I received an email asking “how much has my shyness reduced since my teenage years”.    I have talked about my shyness throughout this blog, in particular this post talks about how I reduced my shyness.

The following diagram is mostly self-explanitory.  It shows that since high school my social comfort zone has increased while my desired social comfort zone has decreased slightly.

My hope is that this will help one person to know that shyness can be overcome.   A little practice and a little time are great helps in reducing your shyness.

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Last week I talked about how you can overcome shyness by challenging your comfort zone.    The first challenge came from the book “The 4 hour work week” by Tim Ferris.  The challenge was to look people in the eye and let them be the ones to look away.   Look them in the eye when talking or listening, and even as you pass people in the street.

The results from last week.

Looking at people while I was listening to them wasn’t hard.  I quickly found nearly everyone looks around while they talk.  Looking people in the eye while talking was, as I expected a bit more of a challenge.  It took a strong conscious effort to do this and several times it put me off what I was saying.  But I stuck at it and it does become easier.   Though I still need practice when it’s a longer conversation where I am doing lots of talking.
Looking people in the eye as you pass them in the street gave me a few odd looks but many smiles.  I look non-threatening, (being a smallish female) so I didn’t get any “what you looking at?” accusations.  
To be honest I initially thought this exercise was somewhat a silly.  But after several days I did find that it made me feel more -I want to say powerful here, but that is just a little too strong a word – but certainly I felt more confident.  So I am pleased I tried this exercise and highly recommend it.

This weeks challenge: Learn to propose.

Don’t panic it’s not propose as in marry me proposing.  It is propose as in offer possible solutions instead of asking for options.   You are not allowed to say “I don’t know what do you think.” Possible lines are given to help you get started:

• Can I make a suggestion…?
• I propose…
• I’d like to propose…
• I’d like to suggest that…. what do you think?
• Let’s try… and then try something else if that doesn’t work”

This weeks challenge looks good.   I really like the sound of it because I know it’s going to work.  I think the biggest trick is going to be catching yourself saying “not sure, what do you think?”  And because it’s the way I work, I have written down those starters on post-its to help me remember them and most importantly to use them.   Once again I will report back next week on how it went.

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In high school I was incredibly shy, the thought of being called on in class and having to answer a question filled me with panic.  With the exception of giving speeches, I did not talk in class. 

So how did I go from this, to starting a debate in class?  Well, after high school I went on to college and after several semesters I decided full time study was not for me and chose to worked part time while studying only part time.  After a few years of working I was taking a paper that involved some theory similar to what I was doing at work.  The tutor was saying one thing that I knew was wrong, so in a class of about 30 others I questioned her.  She stuck by her notes and I argued my point.  It’s not so much that I started a debate where before I was scared to speak.  But that I did so with no anxiety or nervousness. 

So how did this happen, what caused the change? 

The  key was that I expanded my comfort zone.  And I did this by getting a job.   The simple fact of getting a job and stepping outside my comfort zone was the main reason my shyness reduced.   Expanding my comfort zone resulted in my confidence being increased.  Part of this is due simply to having more life experience.  But mostly it was because the job meant I was now interacting with different people, clients and co-workers in many different situations.  To be honest this was quite scary initially, but that soon went away (and quicker that I had expected).

 Before the job I would have been scared to go and ask a stranger a question now it was no big deal.   Asking clients for the required information soon became just another task.   So when I was taking a required paper, and the tutor starts teaching something I knew was wrong, I felt very confident in speaking up. 

Your shyness.

So when are looking at your own shyness and wondering how to start to overcome one of the best pieces of advice I can give is to find something that you are passionate about and use that as a reason to interact with others.  A job is one of many options. What about joining a sports team, a community theatre group, or volunteer for a cause you feel passionate about.  Each can lead you to expand your comfort zone and reduce shyness in your life.

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At the time I never understood why, but when I was in high school I was great at speeches.   In a couple of classes we had to give a speech, sometimes the topics were given other times we were free to choose.  But either way I would do a great job.    Now you have to realise that I was at my shyest during high school.  I never spoke in class unless directly ask, and even then I would mumble something and hope they would give up and ask someone else.  But still, speeches were fine.
So even though I was incredibly shy, how come speeches were no problem?

1. I felt comfortable early.

A lot of my confidence was thanks to a teacher I had when I was 10 years old who made my class give several speeches that year.  I guess because at that point all the kids were friends and clichés had not yet been formed, giving a speech was ok, no big deal.  So later, at high school when I had to give a speech it was fine.  I didn’t panic like I did when called on in class.  Giving a speech was associated with feeling of comfort and a sense of ease.

2. I knew exactly what I was going to say.

We were required to write a speech and use note cards when giving it.  So this is what I did, after writing it out then transferring to note form and a few practices later, I had basically memorised the whole speech.  I knew exactly what I was going to say.  Unlike being called on in class, that was a panic situation because I never knew what to say.

3. Everyone was doing it.

This is best explained by the statement – safety in numbers.  Because everyone else was required to give a speech we were all in the same situation.  I was not alone, or being singled out. 

Well that’s great for me, but what about you? 

It might not be a school speech that you need to give.  Maybe it is a presentation at work, or something similar.  Either way, you can take the key tricks that helped me and use them to your advantage.

1. Work towards feeling comfortable.

If speeches or presentations fill you with fear, the best thing you can do is start to change the feeling of fear to one of comfort.  And the best way to do that is to practice in a safe environment.  As you give presentations in a relaxed and secure setting your confidence will increase and soon giving a presentation or speech will be associated with feelings of comfort. 

2. Plan.

You don’t need to go as far as I did and memorise the presentation.  But know what you are going to say, write a few notes if you need to.  Planning what you are going to say takes away a lot of the uncertainly and can do wonders for helping you feel more relaxed.

3. Be a team member.

Giving a work presentation is a lot like a school speech because people understand that it’s not an easy thing to do, so are on your side wanting you to succeed.   Work presentations where several people take turns presenting mean you are working as a team.  The focus is not on you as a single person, but on the team. 

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One of the biggest challenges I’ve faced while working to overcome shyness is that I am shy and an introvert.  So I need time alone each day to regroup and reflect.  But my goal to overcome shyness requires that I talk and interact with other people.  It is a balancing act.  I need to give myself the time alone, but without using it as an excuse to avoid interacting with others. 

There are 6 things that I have found the most helpful to overcoming shyness while remaining true to my introvert personality.

1. Plan some time alone.

When I have a work function or am attending a party where I won’t know most of the people.  I plan time alone after the event, even if it’s just Sunday morning reading the paper with a coffee.  I always find knowing that I have this time helps.  When I don’t have this planned I try and find it during the event.  

2. Have lunch alone.

After working from 8-1pm dealing with co-workers and clients I really need and appreciate leaving the office for lunch.  Just taking that time away from every one helped me regroup, relax and gain some energy to get through to 5pm.   On the odd day that I had lunch with everyone (usually due to thunderstorms) I felt so tired and drained from about 3pm and it was a real struggle to get to 5pm.

3. Turn the phone off.

 I don’t like being interrupted.  And I especially don’t like being interrupted when I am having alone time.  So the easiest way to do this is simply turn the phone off.  People can still leave a message, and I do check my phone often to return any calls.  But this way I don’t get interrupted.   For a long time I thought it was just me, but after researching character traits of introverts I discovered that introverts don’t like interruptions. 

4. Spread out large events.

For me this basically meant that I would only go out once per weekend.   That is, going out to work events, or  parties.   Sometimes events are planned that you are expected/need to attend.  When this happens I avoid agreeing to attend other social outings that weekend.    Going to the movies, the gym, shopping etc. are separate and mentioned in points 5 and 6.

5. Go to the gym.

I use to love going to the gym, I made some really good friends there.  We use to chat before and after classes but in between chatting we would exercise.  So it was like chat for 15 minutes, exercise for 6, chat for 1, exercise 5, chat 1, exercise 5 and so on until the end of class where we would chat again.  I found this suited both my aim to overcome shyness and my introvert nature of liking time alone.  It was the best of both worlds.  

6. Go shopping.

 Similar idea to the gym.  Walking around even with loads of other people about I am alone buy myself.  But can stop and talk with people when you feel like it

If you are an introvert and also desire to overcome shyness remember to acknowledge your introvert side and allow yourself to take the time you need.  The thing to remember is not use it as an excuse to avoid interacting with others

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Sometimes it can help to remember why you want to overcome shyness.   A gentle reminder of why it is worth persevering even when it’s hard.  I have two motivating factors that are substantially bigger than all the rest. They are:

1. 1. My children.
2. 2. My life purpose.

Both my motivating factors are interconnected since I consider raising my children as part of my life purpose.  But in the past knowing that I was working this shyness stuff out now, to prevent it rubbing off on my future children was very motivating.   Because I know how hard dealing with shyness can be, and equally how challenging it can be to overcome – I wanted to do what I could to prevent any of my kids from having to deal with it also.

Life purpose as a motivator.

I have encounter people who find the idea of a life purpose to be ‘wishy-washy’ and other who suggested that life is its own reward.   But for me the idea of a life purpose is very motivating.  Once I understood what my life purpose was, I started to work out the steps I would need to take.  One of the challenges has been that if I am shy, then fulfilling this purpose is very hard, if not impossible. 

If, like me, your life purpose requires social interaction, then clearly, overcoming shyness is important.  Keeping this in mind can be powerful motivator.  Am I going to let shyness stand in my way?!?   Not a chance!! 

Your reasons for wanting to overcome shyness don’t have to be quite as dramatic as that; simply wanting to feel more comfortable in social settings is a perfect reason and motivator.   The key is to know why you want to overcome shyness – let this be your driving factor, let it be the thought that helps you stay at that party for 20 extra minutes.  

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