For an introvert time alone is a must.  The time alone doesn’t literally mean ‘you must be alone’.   I have found working out at the gym or shopping alone is just as effective.  Other people maybe around but essentially I am by myself and have the time and space to think, reflect and ponder.  However, in a busy day it can often seem impossible to find this time.   Since I am an introvert and have been busy lately I wanted to share some ways I found to ensure I still had my much needed time alone each day.

1. Finding time.

- Drop activities that you don’t need to do or don’t like.  Sometimes we can join an activity and continue because it’s what we have always done.  
- Get some help.  Maybe a friend could babysit or pick up your shopping. 
- Get up early.  I have found this very effective for finding a quite time.  It gives me time and space to quietly get ready for the day before the big morning rush
-Don’t plan too much at the weekend.  For many people the weekends are a good chance to catch up on the rest and relaxation.  If your rest and relaxation requires time alone then schedule this time into your day, this avoids your precious time being overtaken by other activities. 

2. Defend your time.

Once you have established your alone time - guard it.   Don’t feel guilty or feel pressured into ‘doing’ something else instead.  I, like all introverts, need this time to reflect and recharge.  It is this alone time which means I can then deal with people and tasks much easier.  

Introverts do need this time to re-charge, it gives us more energy to tackle the other tasks in our day.  Finding the time can be as simple as getting up 30 minutes before everyone else, just remember once you find your alone time – defend it!

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One of the first steps in my quest to overcome shyness was to ring up a store and ask what time they closed.  When this was easy I rang and asked if they stocked a certain product followed by a query.   It didn’t take me long to then move on to face-to-face social challenges.  The thing that puzzled me is why I still had a strong dislike for phones.  When mobile phones became common I resisted as long as possible before finally giving in and buying one.  Even then I didn’t really use it, other than texting. 

I hate the phone ringing for three reasons.

1. It interrupts me.   If I am in the middle of doing something important, I dislike the interruption even more.  Once I am in the right flow of work I can get a lot done, interrupt that and it can take me long time to get that flow back.

2. It means I have to be quick thinking.  Often people ring to ask something.   This can be stressful, especially at work.  I hate answering questions without having time to get all the information and think about it.

3. After each call I need some time to regroup.  The social aspect of the phone drains my energy and I need time to get this energy back. (except calls from close family and friends.)

I honestly thought it was only me that had this aversion to phone calls, but research shows that many introverts feel the same way.  Introverts by nature don’t like interruptions.  This is a giant relief to know that at least I’m not alone.

How I deal with this.

1. Understanding that I felt this way was the first step.  Being able to say, hey I don’t like getting phone calls and feel okay with it, was very refreshing.

2. I had to find a way that people could contact me, and have it a method I would feel comfortable with.  So I now ask people to contact me via email.  If they ask for my phone number I give both my number and my email address and tell them that I check email more often than my phone.

3. Yes, I still have a mobile phone, but I no longer let it interrupt me.  I always felt funny turning the phone off, so instead I turn the ringer to silent and put it on the side table.  This way it only takes a glance at the phone to check to see if there are any messages.

4. When I do find myself returning calls, I do so at a time that suites me.  

5. When I am caught (usually at work) and get a phone call I often ask the person if it is ok to ring them back in 10 minutes with the answer.  I find this much easier (and less pressure) that trying to find the answer for them while they are on the one end of the phone.

I wanted to share this because for so long I thought it was me, some character fault.    But I was wrong, it was my introvert nature.  It was nothing wrong with me, just the way I am.  Understanding this really allowed me to accept it and find ways to deal with it.    So if you have a dislike for phone calls it may just be your introvert nature.  If this is the case some of the tips above might help.

Posted in Introvert vs Shyness, My Shyness, Tips and Tricks | 3 Comments »

Recently I wrote a guest post for a wonderful blog, Introvert blogs.  The aims to offer a starting point for introverts to overcome their shyness.  If you are an introvert, I encourage you to take a look at Lea Anns blog, it’s a wonderful first-hand look at being an introvert.  I truly appreciate blogs like this, it’s offers comfort that we are not alone. 

Overcoming shyness: tips for introverts.

Being shy isn’t a bad thing.  You can be shy and live a very happy and successful life.  But when shyness prevents you from doing things you would enjoy or you miss opportunities, then you need to decide whether to let shyness control your life, or will you take control of your shyness? 

As an introvert working to overcome shyness there are two main needs to consider:

1. As an introvert – time to reflect, regroup and be by yourself.
2. To overcome shyness – join social groups, attend social gatherings etc.

The easiest way I have found to meet both needs is to plan social events so they are evenly spread throughout the week.  For example, if I had a work function on Friday afternoon, I would not plan to go out on Friday Night.     Likewise, if I went out with friends on Saturday night, I would have stay home Saturday afternoon and probably Sunday morning too.  

Just how much time you need to regroup depends on you, what the event is, and who will be there etc.   When I first began to challenge my shyness I liked to have several days after some events to reflect and regroup.  Now I need much less.   You probably already have a good feel for how much alone time you need.  So plan social events to ensure you have enough time for yourself.

Once you have your time planned out you can get to work overcoming that shyness.   Just attending social gatherings is not enough.  You need to step out of your comfort zone, approach someone say hello, introduce yourself and have a conversation.  If this all sounds too much, don’t panic.  You can break this down and practice until you feel more comfortable and confident.

Planning what you are going to say can be very helpful.  I use to get stuck not knowing what to say because I was searching for the perfect response.    I didn’t realize that my comments didn’t have to be witty, clever and smart all the time.  Talking about the weather or some local news is fine.  Small talk helps to create a bond and acts as a vehicle to lead to deeper conversations and relationships.  

Once you have worked out a few things to say, the next step is where to practice.  The best place to start is in situations that are safe such as:

1. Close friends.  Rehearse what you are going to say with a good friend.  This is particularly good for job interviews and work related networking. 
2. The shopping center.  When you purchase something, look the sales clerk in the eyes as you greet and thank them.  Once this is comfortable add some small talk.   Ask questions about products, or ask another shopper their opinion on an item.  
3. The gym.  I use to do a lot of group classes, and there was good opportunities to have a small chat with someone before class and then during tracks. 

Once you feel more comfortable saying hi and making some small talk with strangers it’s time to develop those conversation skills a little more.  To do this try joining a group or club that interests you, volunteer work is also a good option.  Being with a group of people who share a similar interest or passion means conversation are much easier to start or join, allowing you to go beyond small talk and create a deeper relationship with people.   And don’t forget to always acknowledge your progress.  Don’t dismiss what you doing, this is a big deal, and it isn’t easy.   

Overcoming shyness as an introvert is similar to anyone overcoming shyness, but it does have the extra challenge of being social while meeting your introvert needs.    So plan your week so you know when you will have time to yourself and when you will be social.  In your social times stepping outside your comfort zone and talking with others all help to overcome shyness.  

Posted in Introvert vs Shyness, Overcoming Shyness | 1 Comment »

One of the biggest challenges I’ve faced while working to overcome shyness is that I am shy and an introvert.  So I need time alone each day to regroup and reflect.  But my goal to overcome shyness requires that I talk and interact with other people.  It is a balancing act.  I need to give myself the time alone, but without using it as an excuse to avoid interacting with others. 

There are 6 things that I have found the most helpful to overcoming shyness while remaining true to my introvert personality.

1. Plan some time alone.

When I have a work function or am attending a party where I won’t know most of the people.  I plan time alone after the event, even if it’s just Sunday morning reading the paper with a coffee.  I always find knowing that I have this time helps.  When I don’t have this planned I try and find it during the event.  

2. Have lunch alone.

After working from 8-1pm dealing with co-workers and clients I really need and appreciate leaving the office for lunch.  Just taking that time away from every one helped me regroup, relax and gain some energy to get through to 5pm.   On the odd day that I had lunch with everyone (usually due to thunderstorms) I felt so tired and drained from about 3pm and it was a real struggle to get to 5pm.

3. Turn the phone off.

 I don’t like being interrupted.  And I especially don’t like being interrupted when I am having alone time.  So the easiest way to do this is simply turn the phone off.  People can still leave a message, and I do check my phone often to return any calls.  But this way I don’t get interrupted.   For a long time I thought it was just me, but after researching character traits of introverts I discovered that introverts don’t like interruptions. 

4. Spread out large events.

For me this basically meant that I would only go out once per weekend.   That is, going out to work events, or  parties.   Sometimes events are planned that you are expected/need to attend.  When this happens I avoid agreeing to attend other social outings that weekend.    Going to the movies, the gym, shopping etc. are separate and mentioned in points 5 and 6.

5. Go to the gym.

I use to love going to the gym, I made some really good friends there.  We use to chat before and after classes but in between chatting we would exercise.  So it was like chat for 15 minutes, exercise for 6, chat for 1, exercise 5, chat 1, exercise 5 and so on until the end of class where we would chat again.  I found this suited both my aim to overcome shyness and my introvert nature of liking time alone.  It was the best of both worlds.  

6. Go shopping.

 Similar idea to the gym.  Walking around even with loads of other people about I am alone buy myself.  But can stop and talk with people when you feel like it

If you are an introvert and also desire to overcome shyness remember to acknowledge your introvert side and allow yourself to take the time you need.  The thing to remember is not use it as an excuse to avoid interacting with others

Posted in Introvert vs Shyness, My Shyness, Overcoming Shyness | 5 Comments »

While being shy and being an introvert is not the same thing, many shy people have elements of introversion in them.   Here’s a list of interesting introvert traits:

1. Introverts make up about 25% of the general population. 

2. Introverts are interested in facts and details. 

3. Introverts don’t like interruptions. 

4. Introverts love to read.

5. Introverts need time for themselves.

6. Introverts say what they mean. 

7. Introverts are not interested in trends.

8. Introverts are creative, resourceful and self-reflective.

9. Introverts make up about 60% of the gifted population.

10. Being an introvert is ok. It is not a negative characteristic that needs to be overcome.

Posted in Introvert vs Shyness | 5 Comments »

There is often confusion as to whether people are shy or introvert and just what the difference is.   

An Introvert is not the same as shyness.  An introvert is more concerned with their own thoughts, ideas and feelings than with what is happening around them.  An introvert is energised being alone and often feel drained by spending time with others.  Introverts enjoy the solitude, but when it comes to social situations they have no problems interacting with others.   

Shy people on the other hand are uncomfortable in social settings, and often chose to avoid them due to this fact rather than personal preference.  

But as is life we often don’t fit in just one category.   It is possible for shy people to have a degree of introversion in them and likewise for an introvert to have some degree of shyness.

And not to forget that extroverts can also have a degree of shyness in them.  They can appear outgoing and popular but can still feel uncomfortable around others.   

So where do you stand?    I am shy with elements of introversion.   Social settings are uncomfortable for me so I avoid many gatherings based on that.  But at the same time I really do enjoy spending some time just with me. 

Posted in Introvert vs Shyness, Understanding Shyness | 5 Comments »