What if I can’t remember them?

The main goal of the conversation starters is to help you avoid a social situation where you are standing there thinking “I don’t know what to say”.  You can be successful in doing this without memorizing all the conversation starters.

Different situations will suite different conversation starters.  When you have a social event coming up, scan the news for a few conversation ideas, take a look at the conversation starter list, and/or think of a few yourself.  Then jot them on a post-it or likewise and say them out loud just before you leave.   Just having 3 or 4 conversation starters in your mind should help avoid the anxiety that comes from not knowing what to say.

What do I do after starting the conversation?

Feeling confident making conversation in different social settings is all about practice.  The more conversations you have, even given a few set-backs, it will get easier and your confidence and comfort will grow.  But until you reach that point, planning a few questions to ask is a great way to ease you into the situation.

 Keeping the conversation flowing is not nearly as easy to plan and is where practice certainly helps.  One way to keep the conversation flowing is by finding cues on what to ask next by listening to what they say. If they mention a job, ask what they like best.   If they mention children, ask how old they are, their names etc.  If they mention a holiday, ask what they enjoyed most, where did they stay, see, do etc.

And remember you are not the only person in this conversation, they will ask you questions too.   You can do a lot to help the conversation by avoiding quick answers.  Adding a little more to your answers shows that you are interested in having a conversation, while short answers can give the idea that you aren’t.  The other benefit of giving answers that hold a little bit more information is that the other person now has extra information and is able to ask you more questions and keep the conversation flowing.

What if I say the wrong thing and offend someone?

There is always a risk of that when dealing with anyone.   No one is expecting you to know every little detail about their lives.  If you know of a sensitive issue, the obviously don’t bring up that topic.  But in most cases when you are meeting someone for the first time, you don’t know their past, their current situation and that is why you are talking – to get to know each other, to find things in common.

 Everyone has insecurities and sensitive issues in their lives, no-one expects you to know those of complete strangers, so if you do ask something that makes the other person feel uncomfortable,  remember it was an accident and don’t beat yourself up about it.

These questions relate to the post 50 ways to start a conversation.

Thanks to those who took the time to email me, I very much appreciate it.
 

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Recently I read of a person who was planning to write a screenplay.  To have realistic dialogue they recorded their workmates during the lunch break for a few days.  However when listening back they soon realized that this banter which was so entertaining, enjoyable and funny, was in fact very repetitive and at times boring.  Complaints about management were the same and the funny jokes were ones when “you had to be there”.

After reading this I made special note of all conversations, and while it has only been 10 days, I have noticed that if I was recording my conversations, I would have a similar result.  Over the last few days many conversations have centered around the passing of Sir Edmund Hillary and his upcoming funeral.  Along with many complaints of the weather; currently it is far too hot.  

If you were to record your small talk conversations, would also notice the repetition of topics? 

The key here is to remember that you don’t need to search for that perfect ‘one’ thing to say.   People talk about day-to-day stuff, news of interest and even the weather.   This is good news if you currently get stuck because you don’t know what to say.  A friendly smile and a sincere “how are you” is a great starting point.   Make a comment on recent news or weather and/or ask them their views and the conversation is flowing.   As you get to know the person, more conversation topics will naturally develop and the conversations will become more comfortable.

Starting conversations and engaging in small talk with strangers can seem daunting when you experience shyness or social anxiety.  But the best thing to remember is that you don’t need to find that perfect thing to say.  Start with the basics to help grow your conversational confidence.

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 General conversation starters.

1. Hi, I’m Dee.  It’s nice to meet you.
2. Hello, how are you?
3. Hi, what have you been up to since I last saw you?
4. Good to finally meet you, how have you been?
5. What line of work are you in?
6. Do you have kids? *
7. Where are you from?
8. Where did you grow up?
9. Hey, crazy weather we’ve been having.
10. Hi, good to see you again.  Hey I like your jacket/bag/shoes etc

Often the hardest part is just approaching the person and saying hi.  These conversation starts above are mostly obvious, but still they are all good ways to introduce yourself and break the ice.  

 * Asking personal questions always holds the risk that you hit a ‘nerve’.  Use clues around you to decide which personal questions to ask.

Conversation questions to get to know people.

11. What’s your favourite midnight snack?
12. What was the worst purchase you ever made?
13. What did you like best about high school?
14. What reality show would you go on and why?
15. What is the most embarrassing CD you have in your collection?
16. Have you travelled much?  Where? What was it like?
17. Which country would like to visit?
18. Do you have any brothers or sisters?  Younger or older?
19. Who is the most famous person you have met?
20. Do you ever have breakfast foods for snacks?
21. What do you think about ….?
22. What TV shows do you enjoy?
23. What’s the one movie you watch over and over?
24. What was your first job, and what was it like?

I have found these topics useful in those moments of silence.   But rather than blurting out the question, give your answer first then ask them.   If possible use common ground to start from. For example:   Sarah just got back from France, I would love to visit there one day, have you done much travelling?

Some of the more quirky questions are best left for when you see someone you have chatted with before, rather than on first meeting. 

Those “if you could only” conversation ideas.

25. You are stuck on a deserted Island, and you can only take 3 things.  What would they be?
26. You can only eat 5 different foods for the rest of your life, what are they?
27. You can only listen to 3 CD’s for the rest of your life, what are they?
28. You are stuck in a cabin for 2 years, what 5 movies would you take with you?
29. If you could pick anyone, which three people would you invite to your dinner party?
30. If your life was made into a movie, what would it be called?
31. If you wrote a book, what would it be about?

I always liked these questions.  To number 25, my favourite answer ever was: A jar of sand, a bottle of sea water and a photo of a deserted island.  I would love to hear what your answers are to these, so please leave a comment or message me.

First date conversation breakers.

32. Do you have any pets?
33. Are you a cat or dog person?
34. What’s your favourite song of all time?
35. What was your first concert?
36. Where did you grow up?
37. What’s the one place you want to visit on vacation?
38. What do you do when you aren’t working?
39. What did you do last weekend?
40. What type of work are you in?  Why did you choose that career path?

Conversation starters for work functions.

41. Hi, have you been here before?
42. Did you have to travel far?
43. Where do you work?  How long have you worked there?
44. How was your day?
45. Do you know many people here?

Work functions are more formal that other gatherings, so I have found it good to ask general, less personal questions, especially when you are meeting people for the first time.

Finding common ground conversation starters.

46. What type of music do you like?
47. What TV shows/movies do watch?
48. How do you typically enjoy the weekends?
49. What sports do you play or follow?
50. What’s your favourite hobby?

And there you have it, some general questions to finish off.  These questions as the heading suggest aim to help you find common ground with the other person.  If they like the same music or sports as you, you can talk about the bands or sports teams.

If you have any other conversation starter ideas, please leave a comment.

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